Let the love bombing begin! Well not really. It consisted of Eddie Izzard in union flag nail polish appearing at a Better Together fundraising concert in Edinburgh, paying his dues to the Labour party so they’ll let him stand as their candidate for London Mayor. Eddie is a very talented comedian whose heart is in the right place, it’s just a pity his understanding of Scotland is up his arse. Still, it was a sell-out event, just not in the sense of selling all the tickets.
Better Together events are always stage managed, and this one come came with a proper stage. It should have dominated today’s Scottish news coverage but was pushed off top billing by the sad death of Margo MacDonald, having a last laugh at the contortions of a wealthy elite trying to manufacture a grass roots movement.
Eddie’s appeal to Scotland consisted mainly of expressing the view that without Scotland, there would have been no London Olympics. This was a fine and emotional call, let down only by the fact that few in Scotland give a toss about the London Olympics, other than the fact that our taxes helped to pay for them, and the Olympics are awarded to cities, not countries. It’s an appeal that might have worked on Chris Hoy, but the rest of us know that riding bikes really really quickly is merely a form of entertainment, it’s not a strategy for governing a nation.
One of Eddie’s funniest sketches is the Corinthians’ Letter Back to Saint Paul, in which he describes the reaction of citizens who wish only to decide their own rules for governing their city to a series of interventions from an interfering and self-important busy-body who doesn’t have a clue. Amongst other imprecations, St Paul told the Corinthians that they should never put jam in a toaster. St Paul wouldn’t approve of the nail polish, but apart from that Eddie’s impersonation was spot on – although we can’t put jam in a toaster as Scotland’s jam never arrives. Eddie should ask Johann about that.
His comedic sketches might be a riot, but Scotland doesn’t want to live in them. The joke isn’t funny when Conservative governments are the punchline. In Eddie’s letter back to St Paul from the Corinthians, the Corinthians told St Paul to fuck off. Perhaps Better Together was hoping for a similar reaction from Scots, giving them more grist to their evil cybernat mill. But it didn’t happen. There were no heckles from the audience, which is hardly surprising since there aren’t many independence supporters who are going to pay £25 towards Better Together’s funds just so they could should fuck off at a distant stage. We can do that at TV screens for free.
Johann Lamont opened the proceedings, and received a huge cheer from an audience who thought they were in the presence of the UK’s most surreal transvestite. But then she opened her gob. It’s a shame really, with Labour’s shambolic devocontradictions she’s got some extremely good material for comedy, but Johann has no sense of. All she does is slag off Alicsammin, poorly. Timing. If she’d been a real comedian she’d have been howked off with a stick.
Meanwhile another wannabe stand up comedian was making his pitch to an audience at a Tory party gathering in London. Davie Cameron was again hoping that someone, somewhere, would make a positive case for the Union. But it wasn’t going to be Davie, who trotted through a list of achievements that belong in ancient history. There was precious little about the future, which is where the rest of us will be living while Davie lives in the past. Even so, it might have counted for something if Davie and his crew were not hell bent on destroying the legacy of the United Kingdom that he hopes might appeal to Scotland.
In lieu of a positive case, Davie had to rely on the old stand up material, personalising the debate and making out it’s all about Alicsammin. Alicsammin has no independence plan, said Davie, although he still won’t come to Scotland to debate the Eck. Davie can’t risk his assertions being challenged, since Scotland knows that he’s about as plausible as St Paul in an Eddie Izzard sketch.
The only plan Davie has ever had is to continue to treat Scotland as a cashcow, a source of skilled labour, of resources to be pillaged, and along with everywhere outside London as an internal colony in the service of the City. To be fair, that is a plan. It’s just a rubbish one. If Davie wants to tell Scotland not to put jam in a toaster, it might help if he provided some jam.
There is only one plan that’s required for Scottish independence, and that’s the plan to vote yes in September. The rest isn’t up to Alicsammin, it’s up to the people of Scotland. That Davie, is the only plan we need.