Not a legend, an epitaph

The Labour party, after the currency union veto which left its credibility as sound as the Zimbabwean dollar, and the devobuggerall which not even their own leadership understands, has now announced a new strategy which is going to save the Union and kill nationalism stone dead.  No don’t mock, this time it will, honest.  Anas Sarwar said so, and his dad thinks Anas is a first class politician.

The new killer strategy to put the fear of god into the monsters of independence is to summon up the Legends of the Lords.  It sounds more like an episode of He-Man Masters of the Universe than a strategy, but Labour’s been trading in cartoon fiction for decades, so it’s really quite appropriate.  And Jim Murphy blagged the role of Skeletor years ago.  The marketing opportunities are obvious, in its assortment of lordy troughers,  Labour has already got a surplus of overpriced plastic inaction figures.  You can have your own in return for a part time directorship and a six figure salary.

It’s a sub-Tolkienesque fairy tale, piss poor dialogue complete with goblins, intellectual dwarfs, and George Foulkes doing an impression of Gollum, on a quest to defeat the Wizard of Bute House who wants to slay the gold grubbing trolls of Westminsteron.  Sadly, what with austerity and everything, the special effects budget is very limited, but Johann Lamont and Ian Davidson will be in it, so they’re saving a fortune on orc costumes.

They got the lords, or at least people who were given pretendy titles by their pals in the party.  The legend in this instance is the legend that Labour’s lords are heavyweight statesmen and women who command respect, as opposed to them being a bunch of pensioned off troughers whose snouts are firmly buried in swill.

Gordie Broon is going to step up to the plate and save the day, which at least means he’d have to do a proper day’s work in Scotland instead of jetting off to give highly paid speeches in conference centres in the Azores where he can insist that he saved the world.  I’m sure Gordie stepped up to the plate and saved the day a couple of months ago, and then again a few weeks back, at least if stepping up to the plate and saving the day is defined as giving a speech in front of an invited audience of Labour loyalists and media representatives.

But there’s a lot of other legends too.  There’s the legendary rightward trajectory of John Call Me Doctor Reid, the holiday companion of Radovan Karadžić, apologist for the Iraq war, and close ally of Tony Blair, who will put aside his differences with just about every single other person in the Labour party and pretend he’s better together with people he loathes.  He was once famously described by Henry McLeish as a “patronising bastard”.  He’s got a PhD in pissing people off.  John’s a very clever man you see, but not clever enough to realise that people don’t like it when you rub your intelligence in their faces like it was a custard pie.  Or not possessed of sufficient empathy to care, which is a lot worse.

There’s Helen Liddell, who was the local MP during the Monklands scandal when Labour was mired in accusations of sectarianism, and who once followed Robert Maxwell into a toilet.  She will also happily give up her well remunerated time to condescend a wee bit to the little people.  It will be just like presenting Reporting Scotland all over again, complete with the hysterical denunciations of alicsammin.  She’s even prepared some photies of some cute furry animals.  Oh look a squirrel.

And then there’s the old stalwarts.  George Robertson will step up his efforts to persuade his business pals to issue statements against independence while telling Scotland we can’t have independence because we have no culture.  George Foulkes will do a wee dance with a polis and claim that independence supporters are being positive on purpose.

Sadly for Anas, big daddy, the emeritus MP for Govan, His Sarwarness himself, won’t be able to make it  as he’s too busy fending off Islamic fundies in Punjab who’ve found out he made his money flogging alcohol to Scottish people and are not at all happy he’s their new governor.

South of the border Labour is frantically hoping that voters will forget the dinosaurs of its previous terms in office, just in case the voters remember that Eds Miliband and Balls were up to their neck in it as well.

The architects of New Labour are one of the main reasons we’re having this independence debate in the first place. They were the people whose terms in office finally put rest to any hopes that a vote for Labour was a vote for progressive and social democratic change.   Labour gave us privatisation, PFI, ATOS contracts, ruinously expensive attempts to introduce compulsory ID cards, the security state and foreign wars.  We got a financial sector that ran amok, and a government that rushed to rescue the banks while insisting the poor had to pay for the sins of the rich.

Anas’s call for a Jurassic revival is Labour’s equivalent of calling all hands to the pumps as their leaky ship hits the rock of devo-ye’re-havin-a-laff. The gilded princes and princesses in first class have to go back to pumping bilge because Labour’s natural support base has deserted them in droves.  Anas isn’t for saying why he thinks the disaffected will be enticed back by the very Labour figures who disaffected them in the first place.  Which probably means that this latest wheeze has been as carefully thought through as Darling’s currency scare and anything Johann Lamont has ever said in her entire life.

It’s certainly just as desperate, and just as doomed to failure.  It’s not a Labour legend, it’s an epitaph.

0 thoughts on “Not a legend, an epitaph

  1. These ‘big beasts’, these ‘Lords of the bing’ are the self same careerists who have left Scotland with its legacy of poverty, illegal war, ineffectual corrupt govt. quangos and tribal politics. They, much like their party leadership and their ethics left Scotland for ‘better’ things a long time ago. The monsters of nineties politics, the Blair Legacy, the rest of us have to live with.

    They had their chance, fucked it up royally, betrayed everything Labour was supposed to stand for and were handsomely rewarded for their efforts. ‘Wormtongue’ Darling has been poisoning the electorate for the past eighteen months, attempting sow despair and division, Darling’s been outed by his own team as the architect of the currency strategy so now in desperation they turn to the subs bench.

    Now we know they’re in bother. 🙂

    • All true, macart763, but the compliant M.S.M, led by their cheerleader the B.B.C, will still give their “pronouncements” maximum coverage without any pertinent questions being asked about the substance of their arguments. That of course is because there isn’t any logical explanation of whatever so-called policy they are trying to promote, but never fear the media will portray them as messiahs’, coming to lead us to the promised land, the land of Labour, where at least they will continue to enjoy their troughing at Westminster. By the way, I take that even after a Yes vote, these unelected idiots will continue to “grace” the House of Lords|? How will that sit with the rest of the peers, especially the English division, once Scotland is an independent country? Considering their Commons colleagues vote regularly on issues affecting only England, will this mob take the same line? And how long will this continue? Until they die I suppose, since I don’t believe there is any method for removing them, considering they already rub shoulders with convicted criminals.Since I assume the Scottish Government will no longer have to foot the bill for their expenses, how long before the English start screaming about the cost, especialy if they influence legislation in their country. Maybe somebody could enlighten me is this will be the scenario? As for Robertson’s speech, he is doing B.B.C Scotlandshire out of a job.

      • Yeah, Robertson’s speech is a beauty and a gift if ever there was one. The comments over on Guardian CiF even from unionist support are incredulous over George’s wee rant on the forces of darkness. As for the HoL? Frankly that’ll be their problem. After September 18th we’ll be busy setting our house in order.

        There may also be a party or two to attend. 🙂

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  3. The No campaign and SLAB in particular, remind me of the current TV advert where everything that a man touches turns to Skittles. Only in this case, everything they touch turns to Yes votes. They’re damned if they do nothing and they’re screwed if they do anything.

  4. What power we have.
    We are about to bring about the end of the world according to nae culture .
    Robertson At least it makes a change from being told we are so useless we couldn’t organise a piss up in a brewery We’re certainly moving on
    We have the whole world in our hands Incredible

  5. Jim Murphy as an impotent ,screaming SKELETOR…..would put you off your porridge:)….lock up yer weans!.

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  7. I’m surprised they left out former speaker Martin, what a great addition to the team he would be. I’m sure he commands respect, especially with the English political establishment

  8. I think you underestimated wee George a bit. “CATACLYSMIC” – never saw that one coming did you ? 😉

  9. Summed them up beautifully. George wouldn’t be the man he is today if it hadn’t been for the main chance, or in his case the main chancer Blair. The amount of ordure these people will swallow is truly amazing. Money and position must be the only thing they live for.

  10. So they’ve rolled out Ming Campbell and George Robertson in quick order. I can’t wait for a Foulkes interview live on TV. Getting the kettle-chips and beer ready.

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  12. to wake up this morning by my radio alarm and hear that thug, Robertson spouting off! I’ve never got out of bed so quickly – no! no! no! I’m not, I can’t, listen to that crap from a wee man who thinks he’s got big idea’s, rather than big greedy needs, to save himself from his destined banishment from the stage in Scotland. To think that the next tactic of the bittertogether campaign is to reel out the rest off his cronies, Liddel an the rest……oh, lordie, lordie! save my sanity, save Scotland from this sycophantic bunch of hasbeen exiles.

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