Last orders in a nation of drunks

Shee that fuckn Alicshammin. Shee whit he’sh fuckn cawin ush noo? Fuckn nation a fuckn drunksh sho we ur. At’sh whit he sayed aye, sayed so in the Shcotshman. Mush be true. He’sh been at the voddie wi his pal Vlad… Naaaw shtraightup. You cawin me a liar pal?

Whit you laffin fur? Dae you no know who ah mur? Dae ye? Right. A’m a fuckn MP so fuckn shutit.

Haw Jim, Jim … shee’sh ush wan o thae boatles err. Naawww, the super stremf cider ya clown. Nane a that fuckn Newton Merrns wine wank.

Right, noo, fuckn shutit, where wis ah …

Cannae haud his wine that Alicsammin. Caws hissel Scottish. Cannae haud his wine. Fuckn hate im. He’ll no fuckn tell me ah’ve hud enough. Nation a drunks ma erse. Fuckn Alicshammin.

Gie’s another wan ae thae boatles err.

He waants tae make us pey mair fur wur swally. Fuckn baaaaaastert.

See that Alicshammin, pure dead embarrassment so he is. Pure showin up he gie’s ye. No lik me. Ah kin haud ma swally. So ah kin. Naedbie fae Labour’s ever gied a showin up like that. Nivver. The House a Commons committee sayed it was aw jist a wee misunderstandin. Disnae count. Ah peyed it back. Ah’ve goat the receipts an a note fae ma maw.

Nation a drunks. Ah’m pure affrontit. You should be affrontit too. See whit he sayed? Fuckn Alicsammin. He sayed

“… there is something deep about Scotland’s relationship with alcohol that is about self-image – lack of confidence, maybe, as a nation – and we have to do something about it.”

He’s jist sayed your maw’s an alkie. So he huz. Is that no some cheek. You should be angry. Ah’m tellin ye tae be beelin, that’s how you should be angry. Fuckn Alicsammin.

Fuckn self image. Ah look in the mirror an ah hink ah look pure great. So ah dae. An it’s no cheap this self image. You should see ma dry cleanin bills. Ah huv tae dae aw that fur youse. You owe me. So’s Ah look good on the telly. Kiz Ah’m a fuckn Labour MP.

No lik him. Ah hate him. He’s jist vain. No lik me. Fuckn Alicsammin.

Whit dae ye mean, see wursels as ithers sees us. Ah kin see you’re bein a wide-o, ya wee bastert. Ah’m a Labour MP. You’ll respeck me. Kiz Ah’m a fuckn Labour MP. Ah’m the peepil’s party me.

Who’re you cawin a sell out? Wi yer wee hoose and yer wee life. Ah fuckn made sumhin ae masel. Ah peyed ma dues, done ma time. Ah done whit the party waantit. So youse fuckn owe me. It’s jist ferr. Ah huv tae go and deal wi aw these important people and pretend lik Ah gie a shit. No lik youse. Fuckn no marks tellin me whit tae dae. That wull be right. Don’t youse talk tae me aboot self image. Fuckn Alicsammin.

Haw err a polis, moan huv a wee dance. Mooaaan… ya humourless bastert. Wur jist huvin a wee laff.

Whit’s it aw fur anyway? We’ve goat nae language, we jist talk shite instead. We’ve goat nae culture, jist look at me. Ah’m a fuckn Labour MP.

Ah love Scotland. Ah really love it. Ah love it so much ah’ve goat four hooses. That’s four times mair than you. Ah love Scotland four times mair than you. Ah’m proud. Ah’m dead proud. Whit huv you goat tae be proud ae but me? You owe me. Ah’m a fuckn Labour MP.

Fuckn Alicshammin. Disnae waant tae talk aboot isshsooosh. No lik me. Pleys the fuckn man no the baw. So he diz. No lik me. Fuckn hate im.

Don’t gie me that pish. Don’t gie me that. Sayin yer no votin fur Alicsammin, ye’re votin fur independence. Well yese urnae. Ah’m the politician. Ah’m the expert. Ah’ll tell youse whit yese ur votin fur. At’s the wey it works.

Whit dae yese waant tae chynge it fur? Jist gaunnie no? Fuckn Alicsammin.

Gie’s another boatle err.

That was a party political broadcast on behalf of the Scottish Labour Party.


0 thoughts on “Last orders in a nation of drunks

  1. I would say that we do have a problem with alcohol and it permeates the whole of society, from the drunk on the street to the genteel old lady with her bottle of whisky in her shopping basket, we all do. We need to drink less, all of us and I include myself in that. Alex will not have said anything like what is being portrayed, but Labour, will use anything they think will tarnish their opponents.
    The folk from ower the border think we are all drunks any road, none of us pay taxes, not even on the alcohol we drink. So we are so obviously better together, they pay and we swallow. For those willing to swallow the pish, it will be right up their alley.

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  3. Alcohol has always been a problem in the northern countries but has been tamed partly through various forms of taxation.
    I see there is going to be a delay in introducing minimum pricing in Scotland while the EU decides whether the booze industry has a case (sorry about the pun) or not.
    Probably a case too many!
    Deprivation and hardship drive people into seeking escape through substance abuse but by targeting taxation and lifting people out of their despair we can do something about this.
    People need to feel valued and not left on the scrap heap as has been the case under all the Westminsterr administrations.
    Labour,in particular,owe it big time to those they have ignored for so long.
    Thanks Paul.

    • Actually, not just the northern countries. The French have a disease which is unknown in the UK, ‘La crise du foie’ (the liver crisis). Caused by too much wine drinking.

  4. Witty patter, pithy and ‘pure dead brilliant’.

    However, the other commentators have a point and as with most things in life, we have to learn moderation – and yes – one way to help is to raise self respect, which is what we are aiming for after 18/09/14 – I hope.

    Well done,

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  6. I think there is definitely a connection with not being an Independent country and alcohol abuse, I mean it, have you ever met an Irish alcoholic………….Exactly.

  7. Christ’s sake Paul, you hud me choking oan ma cider.

    ” Ah love it so much, ah’ve goat four hooses.”


  8. Brilliant, just brilliant, Paul. You nailed them on their hypocrisy, their dishonesty, their venality – and well, just plain stupidity. And it was so funny too. Glad I wasn’t eating at the time or I might have inhaled my lunch. ( No, not liquid lunch.)

  9. I think I can see a Play developing here all about the “independance debate” and how it went all wrong for better together would make help educate the children in the future Scotland.
    As has been said brilliant piece of work yet again.

  10. Brilliant. I’m so glad that you carried a statement from one of the more literate and comprehensible members of Scottish Labour!

    To turn to the more serious issue of minimum alcohol pricing, I can see no other route to making people think about what they’re doing when they purchase alcohol (and I’m a purchaser and consumer myself). We badly need to re-assess our relationship with alcohol in Scotland. The culture I was brought up in celebrated an ability to “haud yer drink weel”, and excess drinking was (and I guess still is) accepted if not celebrated.

    We need to look at advertising and alcohol strengths as well. A mining village in which I lived as a kid/teenager for several years had a popular high street bar, widely used by men having “a pint” on their way home from work. The available beer was either 60/- or draught lager, with 60/- the standard choice. This was a weak but tasty beer being drunk by manual workers who had a genuine thirst, and who would in the main have a single pint. it would be hard to find a beer with an abv of 3% or less these days (in fact bloody hard to find a beer with an abv of less than 4%). We need to get people to think about why they drink alcohol, what they’re drinking, and what the context is. Long term, we can only do this by education. Short term, we need to do something else – getting rid of alcopops might be another thing to consider.

    Most importantly, however, if we vote for independence, we directly control and become responsible for the choices we make and the sort of society we live in, in a way in which we cannot if power is dribbled down by a “mother parliament” which cares more about strutting the post-imperial stage than in the success and wellbeing of its citizens.

  11. I was asked to work for a night at the Labour Club in Burntisland in the early 80’s when I was 18 because a local Labour man had been voted in as a councillor & they were expecting a busy night.

    Mine eyes were opened then as they are now as what you have written is spookily
    like his ‘victory’ speech. Suffice to say I have never voted Labour, probably because
    of that experience.

  12. The personal attacks are ramping up which means they are scared. VERY SCARED!

    I’ve never met a single intelligent person who has lived in Scotland for any length of time (one weekend would probably be time enough to be fair) that doesn’t accept that Scotland has a serious problem with alcohol.

    I’m starting to think that if this is all they have left in the tank….we’re going to win and win big! 🙂

  13. Yes is winning. Why else has the No campaign turned into little more than a barrage of daily attacks on Alicksammin?

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  15. minimum pricing and the ‘gothenberg’ system of distribution – pride in ourselves and profit to the community.

  16. It took a bit of getting into, putting it all together it was really good. Last line cracked me up!
    ( glad it was there!)

  17. Actually, last time I looked at the figures, the amount of alcohol consumed per head in Scotland was lower than in England. But as I can’t remember where that research was done I can’t provide a link. Nevertheless, at an alcohol seminar I attended some years ago, it was stated that there is a line around the world, about the latitude of Newcastle, above which people tend to be binge drinkers and below which they tend to be drip-feed drinkers. So whether you prefer to overdose at the weekend or sip wine or beer every evening seems to depend on where you were born.

  18. Paul,

    I admire the talent that went into writing that most fluent of pished weegie. Hat off to you sir!

    On the subject of Scotland and alcohol; why is is such an issue for us, as a nation, to face up to the fact that many of our inhabitants drink way too much more than is good for them? I hate to bring the damn Scandy-hooligans into it, but the reason that Norway a) has such ridiculously highly prices for alcohol, b) a complete government monopoly on selling the stuff through off-sales (other than a bit of beer in the supermarkets) and c) a remarkable network of alcohol delivery to the rural areas is because they acknowledge that Norwegians had a problem with excessive alcohol consumption and it was doing the nation no good at all. I don’t know if they have really fixed the problem but I rather suspect they have done a good job even if not a perfect one.

    I really hate to get all accountantie about it, but there are times when a financial bottom line is a good measure of whether we should be doing something or not. Alcohol consumption costs this country (UK or Scotland) in terms of health, public safety and productivity and we need someone to do something about addressing the issue. And realistically, that means a politician or three.

  19. If my neighbours complain of excessive noise in my house tonight – it’s entirely your fault! I simply roared with laughter again and again. What a pity that Billy Connoly (sorry of course about his illness) has turned out to be such a pathetic wimp on the referendum – he should have been paying you a fortune for that script. Quite, quite brilliant and so very perfect for the stage. Can’t wait to show it to my playwright other half.

  20. Aw man, that was fuckin brilliant. Fuckin nailed it big man!
    See these separatist basterts there just a bunch o fannys so they are. Its aw jist made up pish. Fuckin Alecsammon… Wee baldy bastert…Wee baldy fat fuckin bastert!

    Labour… Labour… Labour. We ara pee…pul.

  21. An while am oan whit are aw these bawbags oan aboot. “minimum pricing o alcohol”. You seen the price o a bottle o Buckfast. S`no fuckin cheep. No like you subsidised champers ah can get doon in Westminster.

  22. So funny, yet so horribly real too. The Swedes have a problem with alcohol — the ones in the south nip across to Denmark with the ferries like booze cruises. The Russians are known for their hard drinking too. Climate, and long winter evenings might play a part, poverty, lack of options for a better life, despair and low self-esteem. And as well as the personal cost for many, there is the cost nationally in crime, abused families and an economic impact.

    Minimum pricing of alcohol may or may not help, but at least it is an attempt to tackle a problem that has dogged Scotland for too long.

    Looks as if BT has reached a stage where any words spoken by AS, no matter how innocuous, have to be pounced on and ridiculed in order to silence him, with faux outrage spewing from the opposition and the media. They’re certainly all in it together, though hardly better together. The destroying of our FM is a key plank in their dirty campaign against independence.

  23. That’s it you’ve made it. You’re establishment material now. You can’t deny it, your on BBC Scotlandshire, l had my suspicions, your one of those “cybernats” aren’t you.

    • Oh no! My camouflage isn’t working! Damn that Avon lady and her false promises.

      But I was shocked. Appalled. To discover that Alicsammin was personally responsible for cancelling Firefly. It was on BBC Scotlandshire, so it must be Och Aye the News. That’s it. I’m voting no in case I’m forced to watch re-runs of Bablyon 5.

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