The four whored-men of the acrapolypse, Warmonger Reid, Kiss of Death Murph, Pestilence Prudence Broon, and Wee Dougie who’s starved of affection, are riding across Scotland to rid the land of worshippers of the demon Alicsammin in preparation for the coming of the Tory lairds and just in time for the release of the new Godzilla movie. Better Together is relaunching its campaign only this time it will be headed by Labour’s own Godzillas – Gordie, John Reid, Murph the Smurf and Wee Dougie have all been fingered. Scotland’s likely to reply with a pair of fingers of its own.
How many relaunches is that then? Wasn’t there one of those last year? And another in February? By the time you get to three, it’s no longer a relaunch it’s what happens to a rubber chicken stuffed with a whoopee cushion when it’s tossed out of the window of a London PR and rebranding specialist. Birds are after all the only living descendants of the dinosaurs, so it’s appropriate really.
Labour’s Big Beasts are exactly the same as the city wrecking version found in Japanese B movies, they went through several relaunches and rebrandings too. The only difference is that Labour’s Big Beasties insist upon us paying for a glitter effect lavvy seat before they take a dump in the High Street. At least Godzilla takes care of his own toileting arrangements and isn’t overly concerned with public donations. But it’s not enough that John Reid got taxpayers to pay for his sparkly new bog seat, Labour wants us to kiss the arse of a man they loathe almost as much as disaffected Labour voters do.
There’s a reason John Reid has hitherto not put in an appearance in the independence debate. And it’s because the hatred that the rest of the Labour party has for him is exceeded only by his hatred for them. John never held on to his socialist principles, but he’s got a PhD in holding grudges. He enthusiastically hitched his wandering red star to Tony Blair’s warwagon because he wanted to be a cowboy. However he is a fortunate man, not only has he already got his bahoochy firmly planted on both a sparkly lavvy seat and a bench in the Lords, unlike Dougie he doesn’t need the plebs to love him. He’s already blessed with a close and loving relationship. Every morning he gazes upon the face of only person on the planet that he truly loves and who loves him back, and then he has a shave. The only reason he’s getting involved now is because they really are so desperate that they have to be pleasant to him.
His arch nemesis Gordon Brown has been ‘entering the fray’ ever since the fray started to unravel, which was before Better Together’s stuffed rubber chicken was first hatched in a PR company’s focus group meeting. Gordie pops in and out more often than a drunken knee trembler up a back alley. That always starts with a promise and ends in disappointment too. However Better Together’s Tory strategists have managed to convince themselves that the sympathy we felt for Gordie when he was subject to blatantly anti-Scottish abuse at the hands of the Tory press somehow translates into respect for what he did while in office and a willingness to believe any of the tortured syntax that issues from his conniving gob. We felt sorry for him. But no one wants to vote for an object of pity, especially when the object of pity has made an extremely lucrative career out of preaching about poverty in luxury hotels and conference centres. They really should stop dragging him out. It’s getting cruel now.
Wee Dougie Alexander needs to remember that the next time he does the puppy eyes thing and begs for us to show some solidarity. You know, like he did for his sister. Dougie only wants to be loved for being a clever little boy, but big sis was the one with the galaxy intellect. Dougie was left with the fun sized curly wurly and the task of masterminding Ed Miliband’s 2015 general election campaign. At this stage in the proceedings, Her Maj’s Opposition ought to be enjoying a commanding lead over a collection of clueless public school Tories and Lib Dems with a suicide note. But no, instead UK politics are dominated by a fight between the Tories and UKIP over which one of them is the true inheritor of Maggie Thatcher’s handbags, and Labour is behind in the polls. Dougie knows that the only way Labour can get back into power is by showing they can wield Maggie’s handbag just like the rest of them and by adopting the Iain Duncan Smith approach to statistics. So this one looks like it’s going the same way as the last election campaign that Dougie masterminded, the one that gave the SNP an absolute majority in a system Labour had designed expressly to prevent that happening. How many bites has he taken out that curly wurly so far?
And then there’s the Murph, skulking up from behind and hoping that no one with a vote will notice him. A cut price Jack Straw in an ill fitting suit conspiring against his party enemies in whispers. He was another devotee of Tony’s. Tony is the great unmentionable of Labour’s ProudScottery Promotional Department, the spectre and his 150,000 Iraqi ghosts at Labour’s funeral banquet, whose name cannot pass the lips of Better Together in case the public remember that the four whored-men had sold themselves for that one too.
Better Together believe that disaffected Labour supporters in Scotland can be persuaded to place their trust in a party and a parliamentary system by the very same bunch who trashed that trust in the first place. They embody most of the reasons we’re having this independence debate. They’re not the solution, they’re the problem. But they’re going to come and lecture us about the dangers of alicsammin anyway. Which is why they will convince no one, it’s not about alicsammin, Scottish independence is a non-prophet organisation.
Meanwhile details of the secret poll suppressed by Westminster have started to leak out. Rumour has it that when asked whether they thought that the intervention of Gordon Brown would aid the No campaign: 47% of respondents broke out into derisory laughter, 16% demanded he reimburse the losses they’ve suffered to their work pension plan, 21% said they they were too creeped out by his photograph to answer, 11% said there is nothing he could ever say now that they could possibly believe, 4.9% said ‘Who?’, and 0.1% said they were related to him and had to agree because they need to face him at family New Year gatherings and he’s a kill-joy enough as it is.
99.98% agreed that George Osborne is an alien space lizard, and 0.02% are Ruth Davidson. Asked their views on his Sermon on the Pound, 62% said it made no difference because they never believed a word Osborne had ever said before anyway, 23.5% said it made them throw a mug of hot coffee at the telly, and 1130% said they couldn’t give a shit about numbers and statistics and currencies because it’s not about money, it’s about democracy.
The only accountancy some of us are interested in is making sure our politicians are held to account. We can only do that with a yes vote. We can’t do it with the four unaccountable accountants of Labour’s love in with power.