Attack of the Oomphaloompa

Since the negativity isn’t working, Davie Cameron has come to visit for two days, painted his face orange to blend in with Scotland’s last remaining North Britons, and wants to tell us all about oomph. Davie the Oomphaloompa promises that his bar of chocolate substitute really does contain the golden ticket to the Willie Wanker’s Devo Factory. This is what passes for a positive case for the union in case anyone was wondering. If we vote no we’ll get a bar of his special oomphy chocolate, and can open it up to find a big devo surprise.

There’s one chance in 1.5 trillion of it actually containing any devo, or even any chocolate. More likely it will contain a letter from Iain Duncan Smith saying your chocolate ration has been removed because you refused the offer of a zero hours contract. Davie’s not promising devomax then, just oomph, which is also a handy mnemonic for the speed at which devolution legislation passes through Commons committee stages: 00 mph.

We also put the Great into Britain. Which was nice of him to say. It’s like oomph, but with nuclear missiles and submarine bases. That’s what allows Westminster to be the Big Bawed Oomphaloompa of Europe, only because Brussels sprouts give them testicular envy and Davie would prefer to be firmly attached to the scrotum of the Pentagon they’re semi-detached Big Baws. Which is possibly the first time ever that a hernia has been pitched as something to aspire to. That might explain the strained expression on his Davie’s face then.

Got to keep that positive vibe going, and that’s hard to do when you don’t have anything concretely positive to say. The Oomphaloompa kept repeating the phrase ‘best of both worlds’, which his strategists had obviously told him was the theme du jour, apart from the oomph. It’s unclear how any world can be described as best if it means having Oomphaloompa Davie as Prime Minister. But he does make a good impression of a Roald Dahl character, after all Davie and his pals throw kids down the waste chute too.

You’d think in at least one of those two best worlds the Prime Oomphaloompa of Scotland would actually talk to the little people in Scotland who were not either serving members of the armed forces under orders to treat him with deference, or tame journalists who do the same because it’s part of their job description. He keeps carefully away from anyone who might point out that he’s not actually a children’s character proferring a bar of chocolate and a dubious devo lottery.

So he’s definitely not for debating Alicsammin, even though he’s a very naughty boy bent on gobbling up all Westminster’s Scottish sweeties. A real Oompa loompa would have words with him. Or at least a wee song. Instead we got waffle about this great family of nations. The problem with that is that Davie thinks he’s the daddy. He wants to tell Scotland when it’s devo bedtime.

He also made what is quite easily the most asinine argument ever made in favour of the Union, and in that he’s been up against very strong opposition. Not for Davie the simple ridiculous scare, the outlandish threat. Oh no, in his manic quest for PR content free positivity he took inanity to an entirely new level. The long awaited positive case for the Union is that the only way we can get more devolution is by voting no. If we get independence, the process of serving up more devolution stops. Davie wants us to know that we’ll no longer have dinner to look forward to if we have a full plate of food and are able to feed ourselves.

We’re having to arm wrestle him and his Labour and Lib Dem associates for the dinner one cold baked bean at a time, with only a hint that there may or may not be some chips too, but forget about ever seeing the steak pie. A pudding? You think there’s chocolate too? There might be a stale cracker that Michael Forsyth, Iain Lang and George Foulkes have chewed on until it’s devoid of any flavour or calorific value. And there’s always the food bank.

You’ll have had yer tea Davie. And now we’re going to help ourselves to ours. You can get back to Willie Wonka’s Chocolate Factory. We’ve had enough children’s stories.

Oompha Loompa, de-vo-voo-doo,
Dave’s got a devo carrot for you.
Oompha Loompa, de-vo-dee-lay,
If you vote no he’ll whisk it away.
What do you get when you trust a Tory?
Trident, bedroom tax and austerity.
What is he at we can see through his crap.
What do you think will come of that?
And we don’t like the look of it

Oompha Loompa dee-vo-dee-dum,
Vote yes to give him a kick in the bum
Then we’ll live in happiness too,
Bye bye Oompha Loompa dee-vo-voo-doo.

0 thoughts on “Attack of the Oomphaloompa

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  3. Dave is offering us nothing and could have saved himself the trip. We don’t believe him because he’s saying it up here instead of from the Olympic stadium in London which we helped pay for.

  4. I must say, you really made me laugh and choke on my coffee with a gasp for air! Please keep up the great pieces….well done.

  5. Hope you don’t mind me mentioning Derek Bateman in your blog Paul, but between you and him , you make my day. In differing ways both of you are brilliant writers, expressing what I’m sure a lot of us are thinking, but without your talents.

  6. Perhaps you could build on the Stick and Carrot theme. Baseball bat with nails hammered through and Scare stories written across it. Carrot on a string with label “devo promises postage unpaid”.

  7. Singing along !

    Just read Tamas and his carrot on a string – reminded of Sandi Shaw and her puppet.

    The words are just ripe for a wee bit of twisting – not much needed!

    I wonder if one day that you’ll say that you care
    If you say you love me madly, I’ll gladly be there
    Like a puppet on a string

    Love is just like a merry-go-round
    With all the fun of the fair
    One day I’m feeling down on the ground
    Then I’m up in the air

    Are you leading me on?
    Tomorrow, will you be gone?

    I wonder if one day that you’ll say that you care
    If you say you love me madly, I’ll gladly be there
    Like a puppet on a string

    I may win on the roundabout
    Then I’ll lose on the swings
    In or out, there is never a doubt
    Just who’s pulling the strings

    I’m all tied up in you
    But where’s it leading me to?

    I wonder if one day that you’ll say that you care
    If you say you love me madly, I’ll gladly be there
    Like a puppet on a string

    I wonder if one day that you’ll say that you care
    If you say you love me madly, I’ll gladly be there
    Like a puppet on a string

    Like a puppet on a string

    • I wonder if one day that, you say that you care.
      You yitter madly, with a goggle eyed stare.
      You think I’m a Muppet, you can scare.

      The union is just an unfunny clown, with absolutely no flair.
      They say we can’t use the pound and I don’t care.

      Are you hivin us own, tomorrow you will be gone.

      I wonder if one day that, you say that you care.
      You yitter madly, with a goggle eyed stare.
      You think I’m a Muppet, you can scare.

      Yes will win, there is no doubt,
      because of sites like WINGS.
      Yes, there is no doubt,
      ‘Cos O wee dug and wings.

      You lied and I’m sick of you, but that’s it were AFC the noo.

      I wonder if one day that, you say that you care.
      You yitter madly, with a goggle eyed stare.
      You think I’m a Muppet, you can scare.

      Let us sing, to Bella, Munguin, Wee Dug and Wings; because we’re Cybernats.


      Needs a bit o polish, but that’s the homemade wine for you.;-)

  8. Oomphy voodoo devo. Dave and his mates sticking pins into our aspirations, but we’re spitting them back loaded with satire. Oomphaloompa sounds like an elephant. Just like Pinoccio it has a long nose too to warn us of the lies.

  9. Paul,

    They recently had the Scottish Press Awards. Had it been a truly open competition you and Derek would have been fighting it out for first place with the rest of them nowhere.

    Of course one reason (not the only one) why the rest of them are nowhere is because they are having to write to order. I bet they’re sitting at their desks, taking dictation, boiling with envy at the two of you for the freedom in which you have dipped your pens.

    If you ever need some crowdfunding you can count on me to be first in the queue. Or second. My mother always told me to make room for others.

    By the way, whatever happened to Jezerna Roza?

    • Jezerna Roza? Nae idea – gone to a gay festival in Austria with a bearded drag queen maybe. I haven’t seen much of Better Together’s Slovene contingent recently.

      I suppose I could organise a crowd funding thingy so you can all buy my hoose in Spain. Then you can all argue amongst yourselves about who gets to stay there for the two weeks of the Glasgow Fair and who gets a week in November. But possibly that’s pushing the concept of Scots indy crowd funding just a bit too far, so maybe not.

  10. “the Big Bawed Oomphaloompa of Europe”: you’ve just caused my keyboard to undergo trial by spluttered coffee again! This is cutting and highly entertaining stuff. My old English teacher would have described you as an iconoclast. I’ll just say that you bring me daily hope that we can do better than we’re doing. With regard to David Cameron’s brief expedition across the border, he’s basically saying vote no and I’ll increase your chocolate ration to nothing, following the Flipper Darling alternative dictionary. It looks increasingly like a serious possibility for a future UK government is a UKIP/Tory coalition. For all the tattered shreds of principles Labour has left (and for all the difference in policy) it could equally well be a UKIP/Labour coalition.We must get this right in September – there’s no need to wait for “further devolved powers”. We can gain all of the powers we need by voting Yes and taking responsibility for our own decisions and direction of travel. Why would anyone not be excited and enthused by that?

  11. If ever you need a lift come here and remember NOT to have a hot drink with arms length . It’s lethal and my keyboard canny take any more. On the plus side i have to wash the screen after each item and it is oops was sparkling clean.

    Wonderful stuff Paul . Agree with every comment too. You put a smile on many a face .

    Big thanks.

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  13. Nice one, as always, gave me inspiration for my new song too!(to the ‘walking the dog’ tune)
    1st verse-(take one!)
    Davie’s back, same old craic-
    Sez he wants the union back on track!
    Hinks he’s fly, the Dug’s no’ shy-
    Chasin’ Davie back doon tae the M25!
    Walkin’ the Dug, hey-hey, wur jist-a-walkin the Dug,
    And if ye think we canny dae it- jist go an’ hae a walk wi’ the Dug!

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