Since the negativity isn’t working, Davie Cameron has come to visit for two days, painted his face orange to blend in with Scotland’s last remaining North Britons, and wants to tell us all about oomph. Davie the Oomphaloompa promises that his bar of chocolate substitute really does contain the golden ticket to the Willie Wanker’s Devo Factory. This is what passes for a positive case for the union in case anyone was wondering. If we vote no we’ll get a bar of his special oomphy chocolate, and can open it up to find a big devo surprise.
There’s one chance in 1.5 trillion of it actually containing any devo, or even any chocolate. More likely it will contain a letter from Iain Duncan Smith saying your chocolate ration has been removed because you refused the offer of a zero hours contract. Davie’s not promising devomax then, just oomph, which is also a handy mnemonic for the speed at which devolution legislation passes through Commons committee stages: 00 mph.
We also put the Great into Britain. Which was nice of him to say. It’s like oomph, but with nuclear missiles and submarine bases. That’s what allows Westminster to be the Big Bawed Oomphaloompa of Europe, only because Brussels sprouts give them testicular envy and Davie would prefer to be firmly attached to the scrotum of the Pentagon they’re semi-detached Big Baws. Which is possibly the first time ever that a hernia has been pitched as something to aspire to. That might explain the strained expression on his Davie’s face then.
Got to keep that positive vibe going, and that’s hard to do when you don’t have anything concretely positive to say. The Oomphaloompa kept repeating the phrase ‘best of both worlds’, which his strategists had obviously told him was the theme du jour, apart from the oomph. It’s unclear how any world can be described as best if it means having Oomphaloompa Davie as Prime Minister. But he does make a good impression of a Roald Dahl character, after all Davie and his pals throw kids down the waste chute too.
You’d think in at least one of those two best worlds the Prime Oomphaloompa of Scotland would actually talk to the little people in Scotland who were not either serving members of the armed forces under orders to treat him with deference, or tame journalists who do the same because it’s part of their job description. He keeps carefully away from anyone who might point out that he’s not actually a children’s character proferring a bar of chocolate and a dubious devo lottery.
So he’s definitely not for debating Alicsammin, even though he’s a very naughty boy bent on gobbling up all Westminster’s Scottish sweeties. A real Oompa loompa would have words with him. Or at least a wee song. Instead we got waffle about this great family of nations. The problem with that is that Davie thinks he’s the daddy. He wants to tell Scotland when it’s devo bedtime.
He also made what is quite easily the most asinine argument ever made in favour of the Union, and in that he’s been up against very strong opposition. Not for Davie the simple ridiculous scare, the outlandish threat. Oh no, in his manic quest for PR content free positivity he took inanity to an entirely new level. The long awaited positive case for the Union is that the only way we can get more devolution is by voting no. If we get independence, the process of serving up more devolution stops. Davie wants us to know that we’ll no longer have dinner to look forward to if we have a full plate of food and are able to feed ourselves.
We’re having to arm wrestle him and his Labour and Lib Dem associates for the dinner one cold baked bean at a time, with only a hint that there may or may not be some chips too, but forget about ever seeing the steak pie. A pudding? You think there’s chocolate too? There might be a stale cracker that Michael Forsyth, Iain Lang and George Foulkes have chewed on until it’s devoid of any flavour or calorific value. And there’s always the food bank.
You’ll have had yer tea Davie. And now we’re going to help ourselves to ours. You can get back to Willie Wonka’s Chocolate Factory. We’ve had enough children’s stories.
Oompha Loompa, de-vo-voo-doo,
Dave’s got a devo carrot for you.
Oompha Loompa, de-vo-dee-lay,
If you vote no he’ll whisk it away.
What do you get when you trust a Tory?
Trident, bedroom tax and austerity.
What is he at we can see through his crap.
What do you think will come of that?
And we don’t like the look of it
Oompha Loompa dee-vo-dee-dum,
Vote yes to give him a kick in the bum
Then we’ll live in happiness too,
Bye bye Oompha Loompa dee-vo-voo-doo.