In a desperate effort to get some headlines in a country where most people think the party leader’s name is Bawbag, UKIP’s top candidate in Scotland has accused the SNP of adopting sectarian tactics because of a recent visit to a mosque by Al-Iqsammin. Many UKIP members believe he is a secret Muslim just like Obama, and the minute after independence he’s going to ban bevvy and pork sausages. You can write his name in Arabic letters and Al Qaeda will understand what it means – just how much more evidence do you need?
But if you’re still not convinced, Donald Trump is going to make a video demanding that Al-Iqsammin show his birth certificate, which will prove beyond all doubt that he is in fact a gay shoplifting communist Roma Muslim Romanian windfarm engineer asylum seeker on benefits who can’t be deported because he’s got a cat. And I’m not making this up, or at least, I’m only making things up to much the same extent that UKIP and Theresa May do.
David Coburn, UKIP’s Scottish candidate, is desperately hoping to get a seat, which he can only get if the SNP’s Tasmina Ahmed-Sheikh doesn’t get one. The polls aren’t looking good for Davie. Unkind people might think that he was sounding a racist dog-whistle in making a sectarian song and dance out of ‘party leader asks people to vote for his party shock horror’. Thankfully we’re not unkind at all. Milk of human kindness we are Davie, and our milky nature means we can recognise that Davie’s just sour because north of the Border UKIP’s as popular as Maggie Thatcher the Milk Snatcher.
Standing on a milk crate, Davie pointed that if he appeared in a Catholic church people would accuse him of sectarianism. Which would only be true if you were singing the Sash at the time. However more realistically Davie would be unlikely to gain a sympathetic hearing in a Catholic church in Scotland because most of them are full of Scottish-Poles and Scottish-Lithuanians and the priest is likely to be Scottish-Nigerian.
UKIP’s Scottish candidate doesn’t have a high opinion of gay people either. Which is fair enough, gay people don’t have a high opinion of him. He thinks that gay marriage is “rubbing people’s noses in it”. Which is just silly. That only happens at Inuit marriages. Gay marriage is legal in Greenland and Canada, perhaps Davie Coburn spends a lot of time in the Arctic and was unfortunate enough to attend a gay wedding when he had a heavy cold. It’s not nice when a bearded wedding guest reeking of whisky rubs noses with you and your snotters freeze him to your face. It’s even more unpleasant for the other person, especially if he’s a gay Romanian. However it would be a justifiable reason for Davie’s nose rubbing traumas so let’s not leap to the conclusion that he’s just a bit of a bigot, the wee snottery lamb.
Nigel doesn’t condone homophobia, not at all. Oh no. He just thinks that homosexuality makes most people over 70 uncomfortable. Which is peculiar, you’d think by that age they’d have learned the importance of a good lubricant.
UKIP is widely expected to become the largest UK party in terms of vote share in Thursday’s European elections. In Scotland it’s unlikely to gain a seat, although it will probably overtake the Lib Dems in vote share, Scots will still prefer Professor Pongoo, who did it first. Penguins don’t even come from the UK, they come over here and gobble up our fish stocks. They should go back to Penguinia, which as the geographically challenged contestants on Dale Winton’s In It To Win It know is right next door to Romania. This is convenient because such people are UKIP’s target voters. Yet penguins are still more popular in Scotland than UKIP.
UKIP doesn’t seem to have a policy on devolution. In its last manifesto it wanted to replace the Scottish Parliament with a glorified committee of Scottish Westminster MPs, but in August last year while on a visit to Wales Nigel the Bawbag said that was old outdated thinking and he told a reporter for BBC Wales that UKIP was about to unveil a shiny new devolution policy. He still hasn’t told anyone what that policy might consist of however, apart from vague noises about federalism, although the possibility remains slim that Nigel is the Federalism Fairy David Torrance thinks is going to magically deliver a federal UK. This is despite the fact there’s a Scottish independence referendum going on – you’d imagine that ought to have the effect of concentrating the political mind, but it remains uncertain whether UKIP has one of those either.
UKIP are the political bastard offspring of Maggie Thatcher and Tony Blair. Nigel is in no hurry to pin his party down to specific policy measures. In the meantime the party can be a convenient vehicle for voters in the rest of the UK who are disillusioned with politics as usual. The real danger from UKIP is that the other parties will tack even further to the right in a bid to prevent losing support, and as they do so they’ll move ever further away from Scotland’s priorities. If the party does gain the largest vote share after Thursday’s election, the pressures on the Tories and Labour to shore up their dwindling voter bases will be immense. Expect a lot more ‘tough talk’ about benefits, more demonising of migrants and foreigners, and the looming certainty of a referendum on EU membership which could see Scotland out of the EU even if most in Scotland vote to remain.
Most of the results will be announced on Sunday evening, after the ballot has closed in countries where elections are traditionally held on Sundays. In Scotland however, we’ll have to wait until Monday – the Western Isles votes won’t be counted until then – by which time the gulf in political aspirations between Scotland and the rest of the UK will be starkly apparent.
In September we can vote to make Scotland a UKIP free zone, then we no longer need to worry about what plans are being made for Nigel, and we can get on with making our own.