The Gospel according to St Dougie the Wee Lamb

I. And verily it came to pass that the Elders of the Kirk did decide to hold a debate on the independence of the land of Caledon. For the campaign hath caused rent and division, thus is it written in Scripture in the Books of Dailimail and Gaurdion and must be True. And did not the prophets warn that thou shalt not call politicians rude names on Twitter, for it is an abomination in the eyes of the Gord. But the people payeth heed not.

II. Lo! said the Moderator, we shall not take a vote, for if we vote yea the worshippers of Union shall rend their clothes and raise a mighty wail that shalt reach unto the Kingdom of Haverin at Pacific Quay. If we cast a ballot, Better Together shalt refuse to send a speaker at the last minute, Ken MacQuarrie reporteth us not and we shall never get mair bums on pews. For is it not true the Kirk loseth enough to thae mad Wee Frees or long lies in on a Sunday as it is?

III. And thus guaranteed – or so did he think – that he would not suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous ridicule, Wee Dougie of Alexander, belovéd of Gord but not of his sister, did hear the call. A host of Magrit Currans and Ian Davidsons appeared to him in a dream, and did chorus: “Furfuxake Darling’s lost it, and thou shalt get thy jotters. Thou best get thine arse in gear, and thou canst save ours while thou art at it. Gaun make like a Holy Wullie, for it is the only thing thou art better at than thy sister.”

IV. And Wee Dougie packed his sub-galactic intelligence upon his Labour donkey and did pass unto the General Assembly whereunto he did speak upon a pedestal with his halo freshly polishéd with Mr Sheen. For was it not written by the Prophet Kokring of Telegraffos that in the End of Days Labour shalt lie down with the Tories and preach obedience to the One True Parlie? For yea it is a vengeful Parlie.

V. Dougie told the parable of the good neighbour, and proclaimed that the land of Caledon must show the loyalty to its neighbours that siblings have for one another. For are we not taught by Westminster that we must pool our resources, and share Scotland’s oil, and deer estates, and grouse moors with our neighbours, or at least the rich ones.

VI. And Dougie sayeth, is it not true that Westminster giveth tax cuts to our rich men, for it is easier for a rich man to enter the kingdom of Sterling than for a Scottish camel to enter Threadneedle Street.

VII. And let us forget not that they allow us to look after their Trident missiles, which is the only potential boom we’re ever likely to be granted.

VIII. All that is good and True is the bounty of Westminster, and we would be lost sheep without a shepherd if it were not for their wisdom and the guidance with which they lead our future to the abbatoir.

IX. Neighbourliness and community, preacheth Wee Dougie, these are the things we can only experience through communion with Westminster. It mattereth not that Westminster has been hell bent on destroying them for the past three decades. For that was just a phase. Honest, ye can trust me, sayeth Dougie. For he was out the room the whole time he was a cabinet minister under the Lord Gord and He Who Must Not Be Mentioned. And so were the two Eds. That unpleasantness is safely out of the way, and so we can return to the True Path to invisible jam in a mythical Jerusalem.

X. And is it not true that if the land of Caledon were to sunder to the demonic armies of AYEbernats we would retreat from the benificence of Westminster’s multiculturalism. For Caledonians would then be foreigners too, but not in an exotic or interesting way.

XI. And is this not a very clever way of insinuating that wanting independence is racist but without actually saying so. See so I am so as bright as Wendy, thinketh Dougie the Smug to himself.

XII. But we must only pool with some neighbours, not foreign neighbours which follow the teachings of false parlies. For the One True Westminster is a jealous Parlie and refuseth to mention the Irish Republic.

XIII. Behold, sayeth Wee Dougie, the fruits of redistribution. Rejoice, for we are truly blesséd with the best of both worlds, and the weapons of mass destruction of one of them.

XIV. Yea, for it is not written in Holy BBC Scripture, but ’tis how better together we really are.

XV. And the people did laugh and mock. Except the Moderator of the Kirk of Scotland, who hath a contractual obligation to keep a straight face.

XVI. Then the people did reply – Aye but the neighbours keep voting Tory and UKIP, and we can’t change that for them. For it profit neither them nor us for us to jump into a barrel of shite and drown with them, as thou knowest fine bloody well. But we can see why thou hast a different opinion.

XVII. And the people cried out, before did we think that thou wert just sanctimonious, but now thou hast taught us well the meaning of Pharisee.

XVIII. Thou getst not the irony dost thou Dougie son? It is a truth uncommonly told that Labour needeth independence far more than the SNP. For it is the only path to your political salvation and through which ye can regain the soul ye sold to your lord Gord and the demon Tony Blair.

XVIX. Thus endeth the lesson on 18 September.



0 thoughts on “The Gospel according to St Dougie the Wee Lamb

  1. And these Apostates of The General Assembly led by Their snouts unto Damnation by The Stooge Designate, beholden unto The Deil that is The British State and His Multitude Minions and Incarnations now in Flesh as Sister Stabber Alexander, shall be cast into the Pit of The Citizen Referendum of Caledon and found Wanting.

    Thereafter, They shall be thrown into the Pit of Eternal Oblivion where They shall wail and gnash Their bleeding gums Forever. Amen.

  2. I could’t help but have Monty Python in my head the whole way through reading that… Dougie of Alexander and his popular peoples party of Judea. LOL

  3. That was just glorious. 😀

    Was it just me or did the image of Dougie in the Guardian remind anyone else of a model pose in a Kays catalogue circa 1973?

  4. Brilliant,
    Yea, verily I being of Caledon, an AYEbernat, I shalt go forth and place my holy cross, at the alter of the separatists, there sending a message to Dougie the dull witted, that he will no longer be able to fleece, the peaceful peoples of Caledon.

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  6. It gets better every day must read first thing in the morning, when will the collection be made into a book ?

  7. Then wee Dougie was led by the Spirit to be tempted by Westminster. And the leader of the Labourites did take him to a very high balcony and shewed him all the constituencies of England and their splendour. One of these I will give you, he said, if you will bow down and worship Better Together just a little longer.

  8. Most excellent !

    But will the prodigal son return to an independent Scotland and attempt to usurp the leader of labour in Holyrood – wee JezzieBell?

  9. And the people cried out “Bring forth Wee Dougie so that we may know him!”

    Seriously although I am an atheist through and through. I am disappointed at The Kirks stance during this debate. Since when did they start standing on the sidelines.

    History shows that the church in Scotland has stood up for independance many times. It was Bishop Wishart (Of Glasgow) that basically ran Wallace’s campaign against the English and suffered terribly for his troubles. The church was also right behind King Robert the Bruce, (First Knight of Chrisendom) It was the Church of Scotland that was behind the Covenanters who again suffered terribly for wanting freedom of worship in Scotland. It was the Episcopal Church of Scotland that was behind the Jacobites. And if my memory serves me well the Kirk spoke out against the poll tax.

    If you compare Better Together and Yes Scotlands aspirations then I think it is quite obvious which side has values closest to christianity. So why the fence sitting?

    • Aye, you’re right there. Of course the kirk was Catholic in Bruce’s time and Wishart (and Lamberton) were Catholic bishops. So maybe both moderator and archbishop should both come out and stand up for Scotland.

    • Yes the Kirk in the ’80s did seem to be a different animal. I’m wondering if diminishing congregations means that they are down to the bedrock of believers now who would tend to be much more conservative? Just a thought since as an atheist I’m only an observer.

      (BTW visited Glasgow Cathedral about 3 or 4 years ago, having last been in yonks before as a child and asked to see Wishart’s tomb which I had been told had been vandalized at the time of the Reformation, which I thought was sad,
      However, we were shown to the back of the cathedral and there was the effigy of the old boy. It was certainly hard to make out in its dark corner and there was ancient damage but the very kind staff member who took us there said that the damage was probably due to longevity and neglect rather than deliberate defacement. Quite moved to see it though and just wished that his tomb could be given more prominence due to his role in Scotland’s history.)

  10. Gey confusing this religion thing. Years of worshiping Labour as my father before me and then foreigners like Al-Iqsammin preaching apostasy or SNP and forcing us to the altar of the referendum to sacrifice or turn away.

    They say Jamie VI+I invented the divine right of kings as answer to Andra Melville calling him Gods silly vassal and now our answer to Westminsters divine right of Parliament is September 18

    PS Love the blog. Are you giving evening classes in vituperation this winter?

    • Are you giving evening classes in vituperation this winter?

      Only if we’re daft enough to vote no, then we’re going to need all the vituperation we can get.

  11. Yes has to win. Our humour and satire are so much classier than the No side. In fact I don’t think the No folk have any sense of humour — just a sense of doom.

  12. And an old priest said, Speak to us of Religion.

    And he said :

    He who wears his morality but as his best garment were better naked.

    ( from The Prophet by Kahlil Gibran )

  13. I don’t want to see the Labour Party rescued. I’d like to see socialism rescued and I cannot see any role that the Labour Party might perform in that project. Unless we offer money, I suppose.

  14. Behold! Mine eyes have witnesseth the coming of the prophet Weegingerdugiah. He shall cast down false idols and deliver the children of Caledon unto the Promised Land. For he is a vengeful dug and shall visit the sins of the Mother Of Parliaments upon its children, yea, even until the third or fourth recount of the Day Of Election.

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  16. It just occurred to me, was Dougie trying to emulate the Blessed Margaret who also gave a sermon on the Mound? And the outcome wasn’t exactly good that time. She was reviled in Scotland for ever more, even to this day… Dougie should maybe have paid heed to that as he could be next to be reviled…

  17. Hey guess what I found?

    A positive independence article in the Telegraph. Cochrane must be on holiday or something.

    “Scottish independence: Better together ignores the youth vote to its cost”

    The BTL comments are shall we say “lively”

  18. Read this and think of Ricky Fulton as the rev I.M.Jolly with his drawl ministerial tone..brilliant Paul…xxx

  19. I don’t think any links are necessary this morning, just pick a front page of any London daily. You want a picture of the UKs immediate electoral future for either GE or in/out EU go take a peek. UKIP have savaged everyone south of the border. A plain and simple demonstrable fact, electoral preference is a steady march ever to the right.

    • It’s very depressing isn’t it.

      No updates today – nothing to do with UKIP and the onward march of the UK into a neo-Thatcherite Hell though. I need to catch up with housework and stuff.

      • I know this could have an upside for the YES campaign, but somehow I don’t really feel like having a smirk. I feel sorry for the folks on the receiving end of what’s coming their way in rUK. We’ll be better out of it, no question now at all.

        Anyroads, have a good weekend Paul.

  20. The rise of Fascist UK would be utterly terrifying were it not for the strong counter balance from the Labour Party whose leader recently vowed to defend the poor against Thatcherite policy.

    At least that’s what i think he said…

    • BoabyBruce. What are you on? Ed never in his life said anything remotely like that! Never, ever. He never said anything so blasphemous. Ed doesn’t know the meaning of poor so why would he bother with them?

      • Doh! You are of course correct WRH2.

        That should have read that he would defend thatcherite policy AGAINST the poor. My mistake. And the DR’s.

  21. Superb Paul, absolutely hilarious.
    I wrote to the C.o.S last week asking for an explanation why, after more than 300 years of silence on the poverty, inequality, death & deprivation forced on Scotland by successive UK govts, it now feels that it must make a press release ‘re.reconciliation of Scots society after the Indy vote. It beggars belief that the church that bears our country’s name only gets involved in our debate once it sees that it’s beloved union is finished. It has ignored all the wars, poverty, unemployment & WMDs forced on Scotland. Trident for God’s sake, I thought they would’ve been screaming for its removal. Following the unionist negative nonsense script they give the impression of Scotland being close to civil war, no one gains from that, except their bitter thigither brethren, which only proves how out of touch they are from the vast majority of Scots.
    I also wrote to the BBC, Euro direct & ofcom, only waiting on reply from C.o.S

  22. I love this site. WGD thanks for ALWAYS putting a smile on my face.

    I had to read it twice , couldn’t see the text for tears of laughter. And i could hear Rev I.M. Jolly’s voice through it all . Your blessed with a talent that many of the politcal class lack.

    I’m with you Eilean,

    The church had plenty to say about the poll tax but their fence-sitting only confirms their impotence these days. As an atheist i can not comment much on the churches whatever the denomination but the offer of prayers and fasting are so old and worn it’s laughable. No wonder the pews are empty.

    The comments from you all show what wonderful humour we have in the face of adversity . By the time i get to the bottom of the page i need a rest . laughing can be tiring .

    Macart. I get what you say too. I have family down there too and the rUK looks like being a nasty place to be. But and this is important, they vote for these people through choice, ignoring any evidence to the contrary. My hope that it is a “protest vote” seems a bit weak when you actually see and hear people you love and care for speak out the drivel we know is just so wrong.

    iScotland may have a fascist neighbor . Thats really scarey.

    • Same here, got family down south and they are definitely not on Nige’s Christmas card list. For them and folks just like them you can’t help but worry about the direction of future government.

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