The art of independence and the ashes of Ukipukia

The world is having a flashback from a tab of LSD it dropped in the late 1970s. It’s either that or the UK has been sucked through one of those space-time vortex thingies that fill the centre of every science fiction plot hole and we’re now in the Dark Universe of Star Trek where everything is upside down and the wrong way round – Captain Kirk cannae get a shag (I mean, William Shatner. Would you? I rest my case.), Scottie’s being forced to hoard a warehouse of weapons of mass destruction for the Lizard Aliens of Wesminstron, and Neil Hamilton is the voice of the anti-establishment uprising.

Neil Hamilton. Lemme run that past you again. Neil … Hamilton … He’s the deputy leader of UKIP and on Monday he was all over Newsnight on BBC2 preaching revolution and the downfall of political immorality. Satire hasn’t been so bombed since Kissinger won the Nobel Peace Prize for plastering Cambodia in napalm and Agent Orange. In case of any confusion that’s the chemical, not the community organiser of the only grassroots movement that Better Together’s really got – although both are equally toxic.

Before Neil Hamilton and his jolly hockeysticks wife scraped a living as a comedy guest turn on chat show sofas, he was best known for being the Tory MP who in 1994 was caught taking cash in a brown envelope in return for asking questions in the Commons. Despite it being proven that Hamilton had serially accepted non serial banknotes in return for asking a series of questions in the Commons on behalf of Mohammed Al-Fayed and others, Hamilton refused to resign. He was the first wee drop in the shower of venal and unaccountable politicians which turned out to be a permanent monsoon of Westminster climate change, destroying civilisation by its denial. Now for the second time in his life Neil’s on the leading edge of a wave of shite.

Although Neil refused to resign, because being punished for transgressions is something that only benefits claimants should face, at the following General Election he was defeated by independent candidate Martin Bell, the BBC reporter in the white suit who was going to clean up politics without the benefit of the Kissinger’s worth of chemicals required to disinfect the Westminster Parliament and remove all traces of flesh eating microbial politicians. Bell’s whiter than white clean up crusade melted like a snowman, and then evaporated away leaving nothing behind, not even a damp patch on Gordon Broon’s troosers.

Back in the 1980s, Neil spent much of his time campaigning against a ban on lead in petrol. He’d spent his childhood licking lead paint and it never did him any harm. The proof is in the intellectual tower of moral rectitude and joined up thinking we see in Neil and UKIP today.

Now it’s Neil Hamilton who has been entrusted with the task of cleaning up politics. It’s like King Herod came back 20 years after that unfortunate incident with the first born and opened a creche. It was all just a bit of a misunderstanding really. You’ll be able to entrust your children’s future to Ukipukia with a similar degree of confidence. They’ll be encouraged to play with sharp objects, it’s character building. They’re going to need it because they won’t have any friends in Europe. That’s where nasty foreigners live, people who are bilingual in jibberjabber but talk in English behind your back. UKIP MEPs are monolingual, they speak jibberjabber all the time.

Scotland’s very own jibberjabberer was interviewed on STV before the election, claiming that Al-Iqsammin wanted to fill the Highlands with Pashtun warriors and Afghan warlords, who will be slotted in between the windfarms that are being built for no other reason but to destroy the property values of deer estates belonging to hard working multimillionaire hedge fund managers and investment bankers. And he said referenda, which is the only proof anyone should need that the man’s a pretentious idiot. He needs to be encouraged to appear more often on the telly and in the pages of newspapers. Every time he opens his gob he reveals the selfish vacuity at the heart of UKIP’s message. He’s a walking talking advert for all that is wrong with the UK’s politics. UKIP have no answers, except a return to an imaginary golden age when Britain stood alone against the world, a wet dream of Great British Contrived WW2 Angles as beloved by the BBC. They’re not the cure for what ails British politics, they’re the feverish and delusional part of the disease, disjointed nostalgia and demonic nightmares in equal measure.

It’s like this: Scotland used to have its self portrait hanging on the wall. It was never a very good likeness, and too many parcels of rogues had a hand in the brushwork. Then the rogues sold it to Westminster in return for a handful of coin, and Westminster painted itself over the canvas. People got used to it, some even considered it an old master. But it was always a work in progress, constantly retouched, touched up and touched for expenses by generations of political piss artists whose confidence in their untouchablity grew as their talent decreased. The less in touch they were, the more they convinced themselves they breathed the refined and rarified air of lofty heights – when it was in fact oxygen starvation eating away their brains. And now we’ve been left with something scrawled in crayon and elephant dung, art created by a committee of over-privileged five year old brats.

The political arsonists of UKIP want to throw the canvas on the bonfire and replace it with a photo of a typical British family at a royal event street party that they found in the September 1954 edition of Empire magazine.

The artists of independence want to take the canvas back and paint a new picture of Scotland instead. The art of independence, not the ashes of Ukipukia. We’ll rebuild the School of Art, and we’ll rebuild a just, democratic, and outward looking Scotland as well.


0 thoughts on “The art of independence and the ashes of Ukipukia

  1. Pingback: The art of independence and the ashes of Ukipukia - Speymouth

  2. I was extremely surprised to see Neil Hamilton on a serious ( relatively) programme.
    Amazing how some folk reinvent themselves ,particularly criminal politicians!

    • Neil Hamilton, good grief. A sermon on political immorality from a disgraced politician.

      You know I’m seeing a pattern forming amongst Tory max and I can’t believe its not Tory. Farrage, Cruddas, Hamilton, Coulson and yes even our dear PM himself. Every one of them reek of corruption and recent scandal. Manipulation, money and power seem to figure heavily in their private and professional agendas. Not the people, not the common weal of the nation, as you would expect even from our highest placed “PUBLIC SERVANTS”, but what their careers provide for them personally.

      There’s no hiding the fact that 2015 looks increasingly to being the year of a Conservative/UKIP pact, if not outright coalition.

  3. Another great read Paul, may I say I was a fan of Spock rather than the good Captain though he has an infectious sense of humour, he can laugh at himself. Now Neil Hamilton has no sense of the ridiculous, nor has the women he is married to. A wee airing of the entire Ukip membership might have stopped the seat going, that and the Greens voting SNP, just me. I do wonder at those who felt that we have such a large immigrant population, but then good old Auntie the informer ensured that the stupid, the too stupid made the right choice.

  4. Ukip are now part of the British political establishment and their beliefs becoming mainstream in all of the other London based parties.
    Blair realised that the only way Labour were going to get elected in England was to move his party to the right into Thatcher territory.
    Now,if any political party wants to be elected to Westminster,they are going to have to adopt a message which is even further ritght than that.
    I do not see Scottish based parties having to do this because,despite what the British nationalists say,there is little support for this viewpoint in our country.
    However,it is a wake up call for all those Labour supporters who thought we are better together because they can now see what the near future looks like if they swallow that propaganda line.
    Far better apart.
    Thanks Paul.

  5. Met Neil Hamilton and his wife several times whilst growing up in a not so pleasant part of his Tatton constituency, Very much an empty shell of a man with his Lady Macbeth of a wife running the show and giving him a nudge when needed. Predicted to be cash hungry by a mates wise old father and that certainly proved the case.
    His neighbouring constituencies of Macclesfield and Congleton were little fiefdoms of the Wintertons’, a husband and wife extremist team on the far right of Torydom who allowed no prejudice to pass them by without absorbing it and flaunting it in the odious rags that passed for the local press. I think they got caught in the MP’s expenses fall out regarding the rent they claimed to pay for a flat they actually owned.
    Hamilton was a member of the Monday Club, an extremist right wing grouping with a not so covert fondness for Nazi ideology and uniforms.Ukip really is his natural home, until he gets evicted in one of the periodic internal feuds. Having worked as a teenage barman in the posh natural surroundings of these people there is nothing about them that surprises me and I see this personality type at large in many, (not all) active unionists. They’re not a cancerous tumour that can be identified and cut out, which is a shame, but rather like herpes, sometimes dormant and sometimes unpleasantly active but always present. On the positive side there’s less of them in Scotland and that’s a very good thing.

      • Nicholas and his equally swivel eyed wife Ann.He had some kind of obsession with murderers and was often quoted on his willingness to behead them himself in publi, he outright relished the idea. Insisted on 1st class travel to avoid contamination with normal people who are a “totally different type of people.”
        If i wished to do a study on Sociopaths I could do worse than start with those two or research the careers of Young Conservatives from the 1980s’. Working bar when that lot were on the razz was an eye opener, malice, bitterness, prejudice, greed and ambition combined into something outright alien. Mostly they learn to wear the masks of civilized concern as they get older but it’s a struggle to hold intact so it leeks out in jokes and off the cuff remarks.

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  7. Dear WGD. I know your partner is ill and this may be an impossible request but, I would like to meet you, buy you a glass of something and chat, at teh CH@ on Friday Night. I am coming up especially that.

    I really enjoy you epistles and would like to shake your hand.

    • I am definitely coming to the Counting House on Friday. I’ve arranged for a care assistant to come and sit with my partner for a few hours so I can get out without having to rush home after 30 minutes like last time. It’s expensive arranging this kind of care (it’s not paid for as it doesn’t count as personal care – it’s care for carers) so we have to ration it carefully.

      Looking forward to seeing you there.

  8. I hope you will publish some of your stuff in print, because it is admirable. It reminds me of Alan Coren , where I used to laugh so much I hurt myself (and several unfortunate passers-by) I liked “the leading edge of a wave of shite”. particularly.

  9. I was feeling a bit down after the Euro election but came away from your writing with the uplift of humour. Don’t know how you keep going but your pieces are greatly valued.

  10. Always leave this site with a smile. Great work Paul as usual and a wee book after the win on Sept would go down a treat. You do a cracking job and I’m with JGEDD on that when feeling low or angry , a wee read here sorts out the smile.. I am amazed you can keep the laughs going when their is so much negative drivel these days.

    Sadly i cant get to the Counting House and shake your hand but i give you a big thank you anyway for keeping the blues away.


  11. Reblogged this on Political Pip Spit or Swallow its up to You and commented:
    For some unknown, jealousy? reason the Irish, Scots and the Welsh can never bring themselves to believe that there is a majority in England, who either don’t care what the other three are up to or hate the never ending whine emanating from them.

    The Tories consistently hold fast in England not because the English love the union but because the English prefer honest hypocrisy to pious dishonesty.

    Its a toughie for the outer regions to grasp let alone learn and the sad thing is that the English don’t care if they learn or not more and more of the English just want them gone…UKIP are becoming respectable because they are making the right noises about the EU and its not too hard for the English to think they might be a better option for the castrate the union brigade as well, funny thing about Farage he’s bwanker through and through and bwankers don’t back losers they either have it or know where they can get it no questions asked and if a little surgery is required? That’s no problem either.

    Increasingly the UK is teetering on the edge but what no one appears to be noticing is that its just as much the English doing the pushing.

    The remarkable thing is that in a country where calling yourself English is considered racist almost seventy percent insist they prefer to be called and call themselves English.

    England hasn’t gone away ye know…

    • For some unknown, jealousy? reason the Irish, Scots and the Welsh can never bring themselves to believe that there is a majority in England, who either don’t care what the other three are up to or hate the never ending whine emanating from them.

      Would that pippakin be inside or outside the M25?

      Then we can honestly say, we two, is that this vote for breaking the Union is a win-win situation?

      Otherwise can you give me a reasoned argument why the 3 Unionist (OK 4 in England now) want, with every sinew etc, to keep Scotland within the Union?

      Take your time.

      • I think politicians have their own reasons which in my experience have very little to do with what the people want.

        Think how many English people you have met who have said they want Scotland to stay in the union? I’ve never met anyone who didn’t want to see the back of them. To be fair none have said much about the Welsh, not since the the few nutters who burned houses they thought belonged to English people stopped.

        It wasn’t the Scots who stopped the old Home Internationals it was the English and it wasn’t English teams who wanted to join the Scottish Premier League. If the English could vote in the coming referendum the Scots nationalists would win by a landslide.

        • Vert objective.

          vis a vis the English, you are smack bang on the bulleye, if you do you objective sampling in Scotland.

          WRT the Scotland England Footie matches, I think it was the English hooligan fraternity that made it less attractive. I think this was about the same time as English FA teams were banned from Europe for, hooliganism, by the FA? 1986?

          • No I think it was about the time Scottish football hooligans dug up the sacred, to some, Wembley turf. Or is it possible they did that more than once. As far as I can recall the only jealousy the English felt toward any of the other three was that Northern Ireland had George Best and they didn’t…

          • The ripping up of the Wembley turf was 1977 and the Heysel disaster was 1985. The home internationals had actually ceased in 1984 and then there was the Rous Cup until 1989, which was the last year of the English ban.

            If I remember correctly, both Scotland and England wanted to halt the home internationals and England were happy for the Rous Cup to fall by the wayside.

            Now back to regular programming….

          • The Home Internationals ended in the 1983/84 season a year before Heysel which occurred on 29th May 1985. Interest in the tournament and attendance at matches had dropped the English FA announced they would no longer take part in the tournament and were closely followed by the Scottish FA .

            I leave it to yourselves to decide if the attempt to connect the end of the home internationals to Heysel is a deliberate anti English smear.

          • An anti-English smear? Good heavens no. I was actually replying to innerbearsdenurchin as much as you. In any case, if you read my post, you will see that I observe the home internationals had ended in 1984. There was no attempt to connect the end of the home internationals with Heysel. I do think, though, that the end of the English ban from UEFA club competitions had something to do with the Rous Cup’s demise.

            I am genuinely puzzled as to why you would think I am smearing the English. Maybe I’m dense, but I just don’t see it. As many people (including me) come to this site to be entertained whilst reading serious political commentary, I do hope we can resolve this swiftly.

    • No, England hasn’t gone away, no one ever thought or said it had. But for those who adhere to this daft jealousy theory? Well I hate to break it to them but we’re kinda having a conversation amongst ourselves and I’m sorry but conversations on what the neighbours think we’re thinking are fairly thin on the ground. 😀 LOL

      Mainly, it has to be said, because it has little or nothing to do with the English electorate and more to do with a pretty crap, archaic system of government.

    • The never-ending whine? Oh dear, pippakin, I think I know where you stand in the political debate. I also detect the usual barely-disguised snide attitude. “We don’t care about you. See?”

      For somebody who doesn’t care, why are you so keen on butting in? There are a number of English people on your side of the border as well as ours who understand that it is NOT about being English or Scots, but about getting away from the increasingly dysfunctional state which is centred on London. UKIP represents everything which is wrong with that state and that polity. It has very little in the way of policy detail and neither do you, it seems.

      It also represents everything which is narrow in your own outlook. You seem to take the rather juvenile attitude that we need to understand that the majority in England don’t care about us and that we’ll be terribly hurt if we do realize this. What do you think that the move to independence is all about for goodness sake? You obviously know very little about the debate on this side of the border.

      UK governments know better than you why they wish to hold on to the Union and it isn’t sentiment. As long as they feed everyone the line that Scotland is some kind of hopeless dependency it helps to bolster your kind of truculence. We know why UK governments wish to thwart Scottish independence. Wake up and smell the oil.

      It’s not about football, it’s about the economy. We want a government that we elect to govern us, not the kind of government the (seeming) majority in England elects.

      • The reason I sometimes comment on posts like this and if you look at the number of articles and blogs about Scottish independence I hardly comment at all, is the sheer lack of real debate: its a little love in so it is and that’s fine but its not realistic and its not debate.

        Its not that I’m against an independent Scotland I’m not, I’m all for an independent Scotland. I would like to see these islands working together but independent of each other and I would like to see violent gangs like the IRA and loyalists shown how real democracy with all its faults works. What I don’t like perhaps because it undermines reason is the sense that the English either don’t want us to be independent of the rest or somehow can’t manage without us.

        All that sort of rhetoric does is make the English appear underdogs and that’s when I defend not the English although in these little love ins its always that way but the idea that anyone is in a ‘fight’ for independence. Its not true and worse than that I think its completely counter productive.

        Another thing, and you don’t have to look far to find it, is in spite of the oft expressed ‘its not the English its the politicians’ that is not what comes across in much of either the written or spoken word.

        I’m not entirely convinced it is about oil although I am convinced that a lot of politicians think it is.. I’m not convinced all the oil falls in Scottish territory or that the islands would or will vote for independence even if the rest of Scotland does, that is another argument one that has not been fully addressed..

        • ” its a little love in so it is ”
          Very Scottish and looks like a slip.
          Methinks our pippakin is a Scot. Another of the cringing variety which unfortunately in this country is all too common

          • Nope. If I were Scottish I would vote for independence but not support the Scot Nats, they’re good as long as they have Alec Salmond I’m not sure of Salmond and without him the Scot Nats are not worth a vote. Every party needs more than one potential leader and who have the Scot Nats got?

          • What you mean apart from Salmond being the leader of the SNP, the leader of the Scot Nat debate and the likely leader if Scotland votes for independence. Labour is not the party it was in Scotland or anywhere else and the Tories can best be described as bit players.

            There is more, there always is, but it hardly seems relevant.

          • He is not the Leader of the Scot Nat debate, presumably meaning the YES campaign. That is headed by Blair Jenkins (of no political party) and the Chair of the Advisory Board is Dennis Canavan, a former Labour (old Labour) MP, now retired.

            The head of the SNP referendum campaign is Nicola Sturgeon, the Deputy First Minister. She, in debates on TV, saw off Michael Moore ( The Viceroy of Scotland) who was replaced soon after with Andrew Carmichael, who was comprehensively drubbed in debate as well.

            In fact there are at least 4 potential high flying Ministers in the Scottish Government, at least I say, who would be quite capable of taking Alec Salmond’s place as First Minister. Just about any Office Bearer in the current Scottish Government, top to bottom, is superior to any member of the opposition, top to bottom.

          • You prove my point anything that isn’t falling over itself in approval of independent Scotland and the SNP is the enemy.

            Its not good night its good bye.

          • You have arrived at the “debate” about 18 months or so too late. All the points you seem to want to debate have been so and are effectively resolved.

            WGD is a sardonic, satirical and very funny take on the No campaigns flailing attempts to find any positive case for Scotland to stay in the Union and shackled to Westminster. For most, if not all of us on here, we have already made up our minds, after that 18 months of the debate we have had up here with the facts.

            I for one any most of me contemporaries have not heard one, just one, positive case to say in the Union.

            The No campaign is not called Project Fear for no reason. That was their internal codename for the official No campaign.

            I challenge you to find one, open, honest and positive blog which is pro No.

            You last post about thanking the Gods for not being a Scot born or assumed set the tone for my reply, yet you chose to see it as a typical aggressive reaction by a yesser Scot. That is nonsense and tells me more about your lack of robust debate and understanding about the Yes campaign than anything.

            I suggest you do some reading up on the facts, statistics and state of the debate in Scotland about the Referendum before alighting on a blog or two and try to open up a new personal debate without having anything remotely positive or informative to say. That train has long since left the platform.

            Anyway, we can still be friends and very good neighbours after the Yes result.

          • Aye heres the proof.

            ” I’m not convinced all the oil falls in Scottish territory or that the islands would or will vote for independence even if the rest of Scotland does, that is another argument one that has not been fully addressed.”


        • Anyone who does resort to that kind of name-calling is tiresome but from what I’ve read and heard there’s quite a tide of anti-Scottishness expressed on TV and other media as well as on Facebook etc.

          However, are you two people, because while complaining about this in a quite reasonable manner at 4.55 pm., your other posts did indulge in callow remarks about “whining” and “jealousy” as well as all the prattle about footie, which is tedious?

          As for not being convinced about the oil, you don’t have to be. In international law the oil fields fall in what would be Scottish maritime boundaries. It would unleash all hell throughout the world if international law was ignored in this case. As for your mention of the isles, I take it you mean Shetland? Not that old Lib-Dem chestnut…..

          Look, people who post here have been convinced of independence for a long time and they have done so because they examined the evidence; they haven’t been away wi’ the fairies or been hypnotized by Alec Salmond. Perhaps you have come late to the debate but you have to realize that this is not some notional attachment like football loyalty. People want independence because they would be better off having their affairs run by a government of their own choosing. Why is that hard to understand?

          • Its this kind of non debate that brings out the worst in me. You are very personal and wrong. I’ve taken an interest in the independence debate for a long time but as I’ve said I seldom comment.

            “Look, people who post here have been convinced of independence for a long time and they have done so because they examined the evidence; they haven’t been away wi’ the fairies”

            So it really is a ‘love in’ that’s nice…

          • I was simply trying to explain to you that this is a blog about independence and that people who blog here tend to agree and we like Paul’s writing because it’s brilliant. If that seems to you a love-in then it can’t be helped. You appear to think that merely disagreeing with someone is a debate. I responded to your comments about the oil and indicated that you had also made one or two petulant remarks about Scots. So what’s the gripe?

            If you genuinely want information then seek it out and then come back for a debate. By the way, the referendum is about Independence. It’s not about the SNP. We won’t be voting for Alec Salmond.

  12. If anyone is interested, I sent this to a friend who is an faculty Professor of American Literature at a University in France. Just wondered if she could understand it.

    bang bang

    Her reply is below

    I could understand it; the only knowledge of Ukip I have is when I heard Mr Farrage stammer like a mentally deficient person, I don’t know Mr Neil Hamilton but from what I read he might be of the same ilk.

    However I am not in the mood for hilarity what with our own electoral tragedies. Good luck for independent Scotland.

    • I can sympathise with her point of view. In the UK we have the clowns, balloons, and idiots of UKIP, in France they have the deeply scary fascists of the Front National.

  13. It’s like King Herod came back 20 years after that unfortunate incident with the first born and opened a creche.

    enjoyed that

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    • I’m not sure how to sort out that nesting issue above – makes long threads difficult to read. I’ll have to poke about in the back end of the site. I try not to do that too often – in case I break the internet or something.

  15. Great imagery. From Herod to elephant dung to Empire Magazine. YES definitely have the best of everything, especially bloggers. Apologies for adding to the love in, but it’s how I feel. : )

  16. a huge howler of a blog wee dug! Enjoyed the comments also – fell down a troll hole at one point but that’s aright in the land o’ hans Christian Hamilton and the mad T party? Not sure if I like the flashback though…………..

  17. I think for a lot of people it was a shocker that they got in. But we have to remember Scotland is not immune to stupid people making bad choices. I must admit that I allowed myself to think of Scotland as being immune to that form of extreme stupidity from the right wing. I was wrong. I won’t make that mistake again. It also changes nothing. Whoever voted for UKIP are most likely die hard unionists, who would vote regardless of the facts. That the no campaign would celebrate a result like this is bizarre. Its like being happy about someone getting cancer. Its pretty sick actually.

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