Danny Alexander’s mythical £1400 UK Dividend will buy you –
1. Enough Lego to build a model aircraft carrier with planes, or one rivet on the two aircraft carriers the UK is building without planes to put on them.
2. Remedial classes in Government Work for Dummies for Danny Alexander because he doesn’t know the difference between the Foreign Office and the cleaning rota in the giftshop in Cairngorm National Park.
3. Alistair Darling’s mortgage interest repayments on his second home.
4. Build a Lego foodbank.
5. Study at an English University for a fortnight.
6. 50 hours of grief counselling for Nick Clegg after the last election results.
7. 500 Lego people so you can have your very own House of Lords.
8. Pay for a publicity agent who realised that mushy peas aren’t a Scottish thing – but it’s all Oop North when you’re an upaid intern on your gap year between private school and Oxford.
9. Pay an ATOS assessment team for a day.
10. One threatened doing from Ian Davidson.
11. A five minute TV interview with Nigel Farage.
12. Enough drugs to make you forget for a few days that Lego comes from a small independent country that’s doing much better for itself than the UK will ever do.
13. A tax cut for a millionaire for a week.
14. Two square metres of flooring tiles in a new London Crossrail station.
15. A lifetime of being patronised by politicians who think we’re children.
16. The week’s wages of a low ranking civil servant who will invent statistics to order.
17. Cleaning up radioactive particles from a beach towel sized area of Dalgetty bay.
18. 2.5 seconds of Scottish Questions in the Commons.
19. Half of the funeral bill for a person who commits suicide after their benefits are cut.
20. 1% of the production costs of a TV programme with Great British in its title.
21. The plane ticket and hotel bill for one night so a UK civil servant to go to Spain and solicit foreign involvement to influence a democratic Scottish debate in favour of a No vote.
22. 0.3 seconds worth of UK annual national debt.
23. A new telly after you broke the last one by throwing a cup of coffee at it when George Osborne talked down to you.
24. 0.04% of Margaret Thatcher’s state funeral costs.
25. Donate it to the Yes Campaign and end this farce for good.
Of course it won’t buy you anything at all, because Danny Alexander just pulled a number out of his backside. Vote No for an imaginary dividend that only exists in Wee Danny’s lying mind, or Vote Yes and get the priceless dividend of being in control of your own destiny and politicians you can vote out of office when they patronise you – and you can be safe in the knowledge that their pals won’t be able to give them a seat in the Lords as a booby prize.