The plaything of Gordosaurus obsolescens

Gordosaurus obsolescens, one time Prime Minister of the United Kingdom, former leader of the Labour party, erstwhile saviour of the Union and the world, and vower extraordinaire, has been wearing holes in carpets again this week, pacing up and down before an invited audience that is contractually obliged not to jeer or heckle. Although they can’t be guaranteed not to fall asleep. The subject of his orations is the constitution following the Brexit vote. Yes, Gordie’s been intervening again. Well, it’s not like he’s got anything else to do.

Gordie infamously promised during the fag end of the 2014 independence referendum campaign that he would personally assure the introduction of the nearest thing possible to federalism, what he described as Home Rule. With a brass neck that would put one of those tribal women from Burma to shame, Gordie is now demanding that if the Union is to survive the changed circumstances of Brexit it requires the introduction of Home Rule. You know, that home rule that he vowed we’d get if we voted no in 2014. Gordie now wants all the things that he promised the last time that he’d personally hold the party leaders to uphold, threatening them with his morose presence on the backbenches where he had no power and influence, only then he buggered off and got a very high paid position as a consultant with a bank while the Tories introduced English votes for English laws. But not before Gordie had issued a press release claiming that his Vow was fulfilled.

Somewhere in the depths of the deepest trench in the Pacific Ocean, there’s a bottom feeding creature without a central nervous system subsisting in the ooze in the permanent blackness. It’s got greater self-awareness than Gordie has, and it also has more ability to affect the constitutional settlement of the United Kingdom. Gordosaurus obsolescens could have done something about securing a stable and lasting constitutional settlement for the United Kingdom while he was actually Prime Minister and in a position to do something about it.

But instead he preferred to utter meaningless platitudes about Britishness while showing that his only talent had been backstabbing and briefing against other members of the Labour party in an effort to get the top job, but once he’d got there he didn’t have the foggiest idea of what to do with it. Then after leaving office he prowled the carpets of conferences rooms, telling other politicians who weren’t answerable to him what they should do. Gordie suffers from the peculiar delusion that they are in fact answerable to him, and that they hang on to his every word. The only people who do hang on to his every word are the management team of BBC Scotland news.

He’s only been saved from the misfortune of going down in history as the worst Prime Minister since the Suez Crisis because he was followed in office by Davie Cameron who accidentally took the UK out of the EU in an attempt to settle a playground spat with Boris Johnson. The fact that Davie is the only holder of the office more incompetent and clueless than Gordie doesn’t actually grant Gordie any statesmanlike status. Gordie is the closest thing that the Labour party in Scotland have got to a big hitter, which by itself tells you how far and fast they’ve fallen from grace. There are small clumps of moist tissue with more weight and substance.

What Gordie is proposing now is a new constitutional settlement giving Scotland something far closer to the Home Rule envisaged by the founders of the Labour party than he was proposing the last time he was proposing something that he called Home Rule. Now he thinks that Scotland should get control of everything except defence, security, the pensions that he spent 2014 scaring pensioners about, and currency. He wants Scotland to be able to make its own international agreements on those areas controlled by Holyrood, although he’s vague about how that would work in practice. What he is a bit clearer on is that Scotland should pour a big bowl of Brexit cereal and eat it up without complaint. We can sell out our EU membership for an additional £750 million a year for the Scottish Parliament. Because that will make everyone happy.

Back in 2014 it was Brown’s own party which supported the absolute least amount of powers to be transferred to Holyrood. The self-proclaimed party of devolution was even out-devoed by the Tories. Gordie’s own party didn’t listen to him in 2014, and no one is listening to him now. All his statement proves is that the constitution of the UK is as bankrupt as Gordie’s reputation.

As long as Scotland remains a part of this Union we’re doomed to Gordie’s interventions and doomed to constant navel gazing and speculation about how to make the unworkable British state workable. Being Scottish within the UK is to continually ask how to ride a bicycle with square wheels. How can we be equal when we are kept subordinate. How can we be a country that isn’t allowed to act like a country. How can we be a nation that isn’t permitted to fulfil its nationhood. How do we determine our destiny when it is chosen for us by others.

There are only two answers to the questions posed by the anomaly of Scotland within the UK. Either we concede and accept that Scotland is little more than a glorified county, a bit of North British colour in the pageantry of the Union, Prince Charles’ kilt at the Braemar Games. We can concede our obsolescence and be the plaything of Gordosaurus obsolescens, allowing our future to be the endless meaningless carpet pacing of Gordie Broon, grand ideas which no one listens to, which no one cares about, and which no one is going to implement, or we take our destiny into our own hands and shape it for ourselves. Then and only then can we stand beside the other nations of this continent and these islands as equals in respect and equals in dignity.

Audio version of this blog post, courtesy of Sarah Mackie @lumi_1984

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0 thoughts on “The plaything of Gordosaurus obsolescens

  1. Ach, I’ve had a belly full of Bottler Brown. The man is an utter buffoon, shameless fraudster and a big coward to boot. Gordosaurus is well past his extinction date, methinks. I wish he would just go away and suck air somewhere else. Oh, and polish that big brass neck while he’s at it – looking a bit tarnished these days. 🙂

  2. Aye, Pimco. A U.S. multinational asset/investment management company or some such?

    Sure to be rolling in socialist tendencies and red flag wavy internationalism.

    So whilst the rest of us are wondering just how much a weekly shop we can look forward to after Hammond’s ‘fiscal reset’ and the Brexit decision, Gordo can feck off back to conference tours and consultations to earn a crust. How he makes ends meet I’ll never know, but I do know the average punter in the streets median wage or benefit will more than likely go backwards at a rate of knots and that very soon at this rate, a ‘crust’ will be the weekly shop.

    As for ‘home rule’? He’s a cretin. His ‘home rule’ and VOW interventions have caused the Scottish electorate so much pain and humiliation over the past two years. We’re not just talking about voter angst here, but real lasting and tangible pain as our representation at Westminster has been ridiculed and sidelined. Austerity ideology has moved on apace causing untold harm across the UK. A Brexit vote has been achieved and now faces ratification with untold economic and constitutional harm for the populations of the UK . And in terms of Scotland’s interests, a crucial pillar and main assurance of our own indyref has been shattered and our nation faces being dragged out of the EU against the will of the majority of its electorate.

    Mr Brown’s interventions have played their part in all of this pain and carnage.

    I’m so hoping this ‘elder statesman’ is invited to helm Better Together’s campaign in any future indyref. I’m sure a great many of the electorate of Scotland would like to thank Mr Brown personally for his prior contributions to the constitutional debate.

  3. Pingback: The plaything of Gordosaurus obsolescens | speymouth

  4. I’ve not read this entry yet. I have had to wipe my screen of a tea blast. I made the mistake of taking a gulp of Nambarrie when I caught the ‘Gordosauros Obscolenses’ headline.
    Thanks a bunch. Hilarious.
    Now I can see what I’m typing, Later.

  5. Even the Union scribes whose onerous task was to listen to this deluded donkey talk utter pish without bursting out laughing at him, must be hard pushed to print this Oklahoma Bomber nonsense.
    The world according to Gordon.
    Seriously, I think that he has finally snapped.
    Henry McLeish can’t be far behind.
    Who’s next? Lord Darling or Baroness Mone?
    I wish that you wouldn’t mince your words, Paul.
    Loved it.

  6. Great article, WGD. I’m speechless with disgust when thinking about Brown, Darling, etc – yet you somehow find the words to describe my feelings.

  7. I don’t believe Gordy is alive anymore. He’s just a hologram the media wheel out when they need a face for the next batch of utter pish in an attempt to con the terminally gullible.

  8. Gordie seems to be part of a major propaganda push by the forces of the establishment to define and propagate notions of British identity.

    The BBC is busy with developing sitcoms which the nation used to watch in the 1960s and 70s. This was a time they seem to think when the nation was as one.

    The royalty were secure in their various castles and great houses. The rest of us had our place well defined by a limited and limiting education system.

    The plebs did stir somewhat at the time but that was well attended to by the coming of Thatcher.

    We had visitors from the U.S. who wanted to watch the Edinburgh Tattoo at the weekend. I watched some of it with them and felt a sense of national identity hysteria being beamed into my home.

    The BBC is totally without shame in its propaganda output. There is no recognition that others in Scotland do have other notions of national and cultural identity.

    I wish I lived in a country which was truly democratic or at least attempting to be.

  9. Quite frankly, in regards to Gordosaurus I pay more heed to a discarded and dried jizla. The one humorous point I take from this crustaceans’ ramblings is that he thinks his word means anything in Scotland.

  10. The man is a A Psychotic Psychopath Totally Deluded and living on another planet

    Completely Narcissistic he actually believed he was destined for greatness


    GO AWAY and give it a rest saviour of the world and the banks,

    Truly a lamp post and some piano wire seems to be what some of these clowns need

    What a shame we are not like the French, off with their heads seems such a nice simple solution

  11. Ruth Davidson visits a GP surgery taken ove by Edinburgh Council, and ‘pledges’ that her party will divert more funding to GP’s.
    Well, how obliging of the Herald. One of those stern statesman like snap of Davidson, and not a Bull insight.
    Her party, so that includes her, is cutting NHS spending by £22 Billion (they call it ‘efficiency savings’, but the head of the BMA calls it what it is, ‘cuts’.)
    This woman has no shame.
    Perhaps she can explain from where this extra money is coming?
    Tuition fees revenue? Tolls on our bridges? Charge for GP appointments? Prescription charges?Cut the PIP budget?
    Scrap bus passes for pensioners?
    Of course she gets free reign from the Herald to announce her largesse to the world.
    That’s the Dead Tree Scrolls’ job now. Fill their pages with Unionist clap trap.
    And they wonder why they are slowly dying.
    I shall gladly dance on their perfidious graves.

    What happened to journalism in Scotland?

  12. Paul, a great post. Enough said by others about Broon. He totally disgust me.

    Your second last paragraph really hit home to me
    – how can we be equal when we are kept subordinate
    – how can we be a country when we are not allowed to act like a country
    – how can we be a nation that isn’t allowed to fulfil its nationhood
    – how do we determine our destiny when it’s chosen for us by others

  13. It is purely coincidental that Gordonzolla – the (ex)big cheese from Fife, was, while at the Edinburgh Bookfair, also promoting his trilogy: Blair – my part in his downfall, Millibland? Who?, The Cameroons – a pyrrhic victory and, Crash Gordon – saviour of the universe, the existence of the latter proving, as had been suspected for a long time, his inability to count. While at the book fair he was not seen schmoozing with filum moguls which means Grousebeater will be unable to review the “Which Blair Project” as, fortunately, it is unlikely to be made.

    If you have not had the displeasure of reading the fourth volume in the trilogy, it is a tragedy. Not a Shakespearean tragedy, though it was written in blank verse in 128-point comic sans with white text on a white background – just a tragedy that it written. For those who have mistakenly signed up for Amazon Prime there is a special edition which will be personally delivered by drone from the warehouse in Fife – or is it that Gordonzolla will deliver personally and drone?

    It is beyond me why the Gordonzolla (Gordosaurus obsolescens) has, yet again, to do the axminster shuffle as if stuck in some sort of time warp (take a jump to the right, then a take a step to the far right, get your hands on some dosh…). The clunking fist clunks on, and on, and on. It’s not as if the utterings have any relevance or will have any influence on whatever happens next; (plagiarism alert) there is a protozoon at the bottom of the Mariana Trench with greater influence over May-hem. There is only one constitutional settlement that is relevant – Scotland as an independent nation. Proposals for anything other than that are an unnecessary distraction.

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