The Minister of State for Toys-R-Us

Fluffy Mundell, the only member of the UK cabinet who is lower ranking than the Downing Street cat, has been meeting with MPs to purr about Brexit. Scotland ought to stretch out on Liam Blofox’s lap and roll over to have its belly rubbed, insisted Theresa May’s pet Scotsman, otherwise you’ll all get thrown to the sharks. Admittedly Scotland, along with the rest of the UK, is going to get thrown to the sharks anyway, because that’s the UK’s new economic policy after Brexit, but if I can get you to stop complaining about it there’s a slight chance of being promoted in the cabinet and actually getting a slice of lemon drizzle cake instead of being served last by the tea-trolley and having to make do with a stale bit of Peek Frean shortcake.

He coughed up a hairball. Oh look, he said, there’s an example of the new powers that Scotland could maybe perhaps possibly potentially gain after Brexit. See, it’s really not so bad after all. There are far worse things in life than Brexit you know, like being stuck in a lift with Boris Johnson after he’s had to apologise to the Turkish ambassador. Thankfully he doesn’t know who I am, so I got off lightly all things considered.

Boris doesn’t know where Scotland is either, so it wasn’t much of a surprise. He mistook me for the tea trolley, which was very flattering as it represents quite a considerable promotion and just goes to prove that Scotland is a much valued partner in this United Kingdom. It would have been very embarrassing to disappoint him, but luckily I was able to supply him with a couple of biscuits from my beard. He didn’t look very impressed, as he had wanted some scones with innovative jam, but we all have to make the best of this situation.

Anyway, Fluffy went on, as he dug his claws into the back of the sofa, Brexit is a marvellous opportunity for Scotland to climb onto Liam’s lap and to enjoy the sort of view that previously only Adam Werrity has been able to benefit from. I promise that next time I’m allowed to speak in a cabinet meeting I’ll ask Theresa May if she’d like milk in her tea and once I’ve got her attention I’ll slip in a wee hint that she might consider giving me a slightly bigger plaque for my office door. Well, I say office, it’s really a cat litter tray. That will give Scotland the status within this glorious Union that it truly deserves. And if you’re not happy with that then all I can say is that it’s just nationalist grievance mongering.

I’ll do my best, I’m away down at the far end of the room, so she can’t usually hear me over David Davis ranting about how he’s going to stick the boot into that EU Commission. She won’t allow me on her lap, she’s allergic to cats and to Scotland. Oh look, I’ve just found a Gypsy Cream in my beard.

Carol Monaghan, MP for Glasgow North West asked Fluffy if he could stop licking himself for five minutes and be a bit more specific about which of the powers currently controlled by Brussels that the UK government is going to devolve to Scotland after Brexit.

Well clearly, replied Fluffy, devolution was established on the basis that the UK was a member of the EU, and after it leaves the devolution settlement is going to change. That’s my job you know, to state the bleedin obvious. These things are going to be subject to debate and negotiation. Well I say debate and negotiation, what I really mean is that no one who actually has any real power and responsibility has told me yet. After all the job of the Downing Street Cat for Scotland isn’t to speak up for Scotland in the British cabinet, it’s to purr whenever anyone notices my existence and then go to the toilet in Scotland’s shoes. I’m sure that at some point they’ll let me know what their plans for Scotland are, and I promise that I’ll be sure to tell you all about them just as soon as I’ve read them in the pages of the Daily Express. What I can certainly tell you is that immigrants cause cancer, the EU will cave in to our every demand, and there’s some lovely new photies of Princess Di looking sad.

Pressed on whether Westminster would take powers back from Holyrood as a result of the decision to leave the EU, the Secretary of State for Toys-R-Us stated that no powers would be taken back as a result of leaving the EU, which isn’t quite what the question was. Westminster might very well take powers back before the UK leaves in order to prevent Holyrood making Brexit more difficult, but let’s not think about that. Look, there’s another hairball of potential new powers.

Besides, he went on, it’s a bit much to ask what Brexit means for Scotland when my esteemed colleagues are still at the Brexit means running around screaming and swearing in a blind panic stage while the pound plummets faster than Donald Trump’s reputation as a radical feminist. What we can say with some certainty however, is that Brexit means whatever the EU is going to tell us it means, and then after we’ve had our red white and blue arses well and truly kicked by the 27 EU member states we’ll tell you that we’ve ensured that Britain has got the very best deal possible and we’ll wave some Union flegs and get Willnkate to go on walkabout in somewhere rainsoaked like Greenock.

Only a divisive nationalist could be unhappy with the fact that since tiny little countries like Estonia and Malta are going to be represented in the EU negotiations with the UK that they have more influence over what happens in Scotland than Scotland does. After all, Scotland voted decisively in 2014 to have me as an ornamental politician. Scotland is leading the UK, not leaving it. We’re leading the UK in the same manner that a teddy bear tied to the grill of a bin lorry that’s heading off a cliff is leading the way. And as Scottish Secretary of State, I am honoured to be that stuffed toy. Makes me proud to be British so it does.

Audio version of this blog article, courtesy of Sarah Mackie @lumi_1984

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0 thoughts on “The Minister of State for Toys-R-Us

  1. Can’t believe people in the constituency next door to mine voted for this useless toerag. What the hell were they thinking?

  2. The Great BIG Westminster Comedy…It’s Panto time doncha know!

    Principal cat-in-boots playing an “important” role in defending his beard from the ravishing hordes intent on stealing his crumbs…Man, this panto could write itself 🙂

  3. I’m not sure I can in good conscience continue to read WGB if you’re going to insist on being so rude to senior members of government … I mean clearly the Chief Mouser to the Cabinet Office is of much higher rank than you’re giving him credit for!

    (Frankly installing him as chief negotiator for Brexit couldn’t make things any worse. At least we’d be sure of full reciprocal single market access for UK and European catnip suppliers!)

  4. Pingback: The Minister of State for Toys-R-Us | speymouth

  5. As David Davis speaks, the pound continues to fall. He wants an overarching deal to get the best deal for the UK.
    We had a deal prior to the Brexit vote – open access to the single market. What next? Back on the Gold standard and pounds, shillings, pence and farthings to create he illusion of more money in your pocket?
    The “golden age” of Britishism?
    At least no new Royal Yacht Britannia.
    May-hem continues.

  6. one of yr better ones..nice to see you having a go again at the tories..what about scottish labour for Corbyn >

  7. “We’re leading the UK in the same manner that a teddy bear tied to the grill of a bin lorry that’s heading off a cliff is leading the way”

    Just wanted to say that made me laugh. Thanks you for that.

  8. As I canny afford foreign travel it’s fun watching the glorious Pound Sterling going down the toilet and listening to the increasingly shrill shite these morons are having to come out with to try and con us that everything is rosy!

    • Tesco now is running low on products like Marmite, ( see Guardian online) as Unilever want to raise prices by 10% due to fall in the pound!!
      Gosh, HP sauce is produced in the Netherlands! Disaster. These iconic British staples ate in danger!! Whaur’s yer Brexit noo?

    • In factories their are widespread “currency surcharges” already. 10 – 11 % is common. Even if you don’t travel your food bills are going to rise. And is it not handy for the utilities that oil and gas are priced in dollars, just as the first frosts of winter are upon us.

      The UK imports 2/3 of its food. The UK runs the second largest trade deficit in the world. Oil is traded in dollars. You will feel this whoever you are. We all gotta eat.

      The only upside for Scotland here is Brent crude at $51 a barrel is now about £40 a barrel. Its lucky Scotland doesn’t have to rely on such worthless commodities. We have pooling and sharing, and the strength of Sterling.

      • Yes, re oil price rise. We only hear from the yoons and msm when price drops and the yelling chorus bleats that the Scots are too poor and depend on the broad shoulders of the UK.

      • Y’know I suspect that’s not too far from the truth? Run interference, pass on soundbites, get under the SGs skin and generally use his position and profile to… annoy.

        • Only with unstinting assistance from the unionist media, Mac. Since the Labour Party in Scotland is now a dead duck, Mundell, and Davidson, are only being kept afloat since they, as far as politics are concerned, are Westminster’s last hope of salvaging their beloved union. Some hope, but that’s what we will have to put up with, and even after we have gained our independence, they will still be moaning from the side-lines. At least then they will have become as irrelevant as Dugdale and Rennie, and we can get on with the job of making Scotland an independent nation, one to be proud of, and take our rightful place amongst the nations of the world.

  9. #We are Scotand:-

    Conservative MP(s) = 1 (Secretary of State for Scotland)
    Labour MPs = 1
    Liberal MPs = 1

    SNP MPs = 56

    The People of Scotland.

    Scotland, where the needs of the one, or the few, outweigh the needs of the many.

    All for one (Brexiteer)! and one for all!

  10. The man is a walking; talking peptic Ulcer.
    I have seldom seen such an alarming display of jittery unsure public speaking as we did today at Scottish Questions.
    The man is a nervous wreck. Every sentence was delivered in a nervous quivering timbre, punctuated throughout with verbal tics, ums, and aws , and faltering sentences trailing away inaudibly at the end of each gasping response to those BAD SNP upstarts’ questions.

    He is clearly not up to the job and oozes panic from every pore.

    His body language tells the story. He hunches over the microphone, clutching his binder, holding the lectern to steady himself, for fear of, or perhaps wishing that, the floor would open up and swallow him.

    I see he comes ‘mob handed’ these days. Not only seven English (Gove and Stewart are ‘English?) banging on about the SNP banging on about a second Independence Referendum, but a Red and Yellow Tory Brexit Better Together team comprising , that Great Political Liar, Carmichael, who sought assurances that Scottish fishermen will have 100% access to the fish, and Ian Murray, from the fourth row of the Corbyn Marxist Party benches, whose title seems to be So Called Scottish Labour’s Westminster Spokesman, who designated our Capital, ‘my town Edinburgh’, established his New Labour credentials by championing Scotland’s Service and Finance Sector come Brexit negotiaitons, and a rather Obese Dickensian MP with a Geordie accent, David Anderson, I think, who is apparently Shadow SoS for Scotland under Corbyn’s politburo in waiting, mumbling something about more apprenticeships needed given the decline of the oil industry Up There.
    All Better Together Unionists and Brexiteers, nodding in agreement with each other.

    Mundell is clearly two Rennies away from a perforated ulcer. Hence the massive back up from Better Together to take on the NATS.

    The English Heavy Team began filtering in for PMQ, noisily gaggling, like seagulls on a landfill site, while the Scottish Questions session was stiil going. They couldn’t give two fucks. Neither could the Speaker.
    Mundell and the Energy Minister, whose name also escapes me, bluffed and blustered their way through this pointless farce. Job done.

    It is clear that his own WM colleagues, and the Red and Yellow Tory benches concur that Mundell is hopeless, hence this united front today.

    Murray Carmichael, and Mundell. The last of the occupying forces..

    The ‘people of Scotland’ spoke in May 2015, and again on 23rd June this year.

    Yet this trio of chancers still think that they rule over us.

    Give that man a Zantac before he bursts.

    Amber Rudd for Scottish SoS?

  11. Fairly sure it was Fluffy sitting behind/ next to Mayhem at PMQs today.
    ” Imagine me sitting beside the PM because I’m the only Con MP in Scotland. I’m well in here and get to see the Brexite papers and all that. Not that I understand them of course but it’s the thought that counts”.

  12. Add to this the frothing insanity of the zoomer yoons. They are angry. Very Angry. At what you may ask. Well I am sad to say…rather than get angry at Westminster for taking a massive crap on the UK, before wiping their arse on the union…they are getting angry at yes voters for getting angry at this unfolding horror and what it means for all Scots.

    They would rather be bummed in the gob by Westminster, than seek common ground with yes voters to protect Scotland. They would rather stand shoulder to shoulder with a parliament that is about to commit one of the greatest foreign policy blunders in living memory. Why? because they would rather get flushed away than ever admit that we really aren’t, and possibly never where Better together.

    Respect my vote! they howl.

    No…i don’t think I will.

  13. John Lamont, the So Called Scottish Branch Office of the Conservative and Unionist Party’s Chief Whip, ‘will accuse’ Nicola Sturgeon of cheap rabble rousing in front of the faithful at the SNP Conference today, and the Big Liar Carmichael will agree with him.

    Was Lamont trapped down pot hole for the past two weeks?

    Rudd, Davis, Fox, Johnson, and May were not rabble rousing last week?

    His Blessed Leader, the self styled Shovel Faced Strictly Come Dancing Hopeful and decrier of her fellow Scottish vandals and thieves, Big T’s Number One Fan, and all round arse licker, Ruth Davidson goose stepped her way through Birmingham and the Propaganda Studios, egging the Tory Rabble to indulge in a bit of Jock Bashing.
    Oh how she made them all laugh !

    WE should just forget all this Independence nonsense, and prepare to board the Virgin/G4S freight trucks shunting us in our droves to the North British Reorientation Camps.

    Yesterday Mundell slipped in a wee sly comment on post Brexit devolution.
    He told the Commons that ‘it was “self-evident” that Brexit will lead to Scotland’s devolution settlement being changed because it is predicated on the UK being a member of the EU.’

    In other words, once the Tory Government Brexits, they can scrap Holyrood if they so chose, and claw back all devolved powers once WM has taken back control of our lives.
    The current devolution settlement is also ‘predicated’ on Scotland remaining a member of the EU , Oh Peptic One.
    Ergo, Independence and continuing membership of the EU is the only option left to us.

    Murray, Carmichael, Mundell, Davidson, Dugdale, and Rennie, are the last of the Right Wing Southern insurgents.

    They will not rest until they have destroyed Scotland.

    They must be stopped at all costs.

    A second Indyref is imminent, Chief Whip Lamont.

    Your traitorous days are numbered, not the SNP’s.

    • Agriculture and fisheries are devolved issues. Which means fishing rights revert to the control of the devolved legislature once they are withdrawn from the context of the EU and UK foreign policy bargaining position. The chances of Westminster allowing that to happen are…?

      The right of the party are lining up their ducks on devolution. Now bearing in mind that the warnings of many within the YES movement and current Scottish Government prior to the indy vote have proven scarily accurate on the actions of both chambers in Westminster. You’d hope that folk may prove a little more open to listening this time round when we say that ‘POWER DEVOLVED IS POWER RETAINED’. What is in the gift of Westminster to give, it can also take away.

      Kinda why it was important for the permanence of Holyrood to be written into the UKs unwritten constitution. Oh wait….

      • It will be interesting to see how Labour and the LibDema react if Holyrood’s powers are curtailed.
        Will they be up in arms or meekly submit as it is the SNP who form the government in Scotland.
        Dog in the manger attitude. Spike the SNP, the party that gained 50% of the vote.

        • Personally, I reckon they’d roll over. They are too invested in the narrative they created at this point John. Never say never and I hope that some would stand up and be counted, but given their predeliction for tribal, senseless hatred? I’d struggle to think of many who’d put people before party at this point.

          It gets even more interesting when you consider the ECHR. These rights are woven into the statutes of the Scottish parliament. So what we’re talking about is removing human rights legislation from Scotland’s parliament and populace as a starter for ten. Oh, and then we allow a pair of chambers in London, one elected, one not so much, to decide what our rights are for us and impose them instead.

          Does anyone seriously think, even for a second, that the most right wing Conservative government in our history cares about the democratic rights and entitlements of ANYONE nevermind the Scottish electorate?

          THAT is just how important this crisis is. This is about our basic human rights and our democracy.

          Who should we trust with those then? Westminster or Holyrood?

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