BBC Reporting How Bad The SNP Is had a wee segment on Monday’s programme about how Nicola Sturgeon doesn’t really want independence, she’s aiming for membership of EFTA instead. That’s sort of EU-lite. You still have to agree to free movement of people, pay a shitload of money, and implement all EU directives, it’s just that you don’t get any say in determining EU policy. Anyway, BBC Reporting How Dreadful It Is concluded that, and I paraphrase, that the rest of Europe probably doesn’t want us on account of the fact that we need to ask Theresa May for permission and that permission isn’t likely to be forthcoming.
The last word was given to the ever so sensible Tories. That’s the party that did an enormous jobby in our living room and is now demanding that we give them a plan for making the best of it, possibly by pretending that it’s not really a turd but is actually a centre piece for the coffee table that’s more innovative than jam. We could stick a wee Union fleg in it and that would turn it into a patriotic ornament. And we could blame the smell on the Labour party keeching themselves at the prospect of the local elections in May next year. The Tories want us to embrace the toley. Although if you’ve ever had the misfortune to see Ruth Davidson’s expression during any session of Furst Meenister’s Questions you’d realise that she already has.
That’s what’s so great about the SNP. They’re so amazingly magnificent at being bad that they’re perfectly capable of being bad in two contradictory ways simultaneously. This is a feat previously only achieved by Quantum physicists with the aid of a ruinously expensive particle accelerator. The SNP can achieve the same effect with nothing more than a ruinously expensive privatised train from Waverley to Queen Street that’s broken down near Edinburgh Park. It is of course entirely the fault of Transport Meenister Humza Yousaf that he’s not out with a spanner fixing the train himself. He would be, it’s just that the spanner is fully occupied on social media making misogynistic tweets about the Health Meenister.
Anyway, according to the North British apologists, the SNP both wants an independence referendum and simultaneously doesn’t want one. It’s both planning for a second referendum and planning to avoid one. It’s both doing everying and doing nothing, at the same time and in the same place. Quantum particles have nothing on the SNP, but they’ve both got a great deal more certainty than the UK government’s Brexit policy. According to Quantum theory you can either know where a particle is or you can know its momentum but you can’t know both. With the Tory plan for Brexit we don’t know where it is and we don’t know where it’s going either. According to North Britons, this is A Good Thing, with the capital letters and everything, because it means the plucky Brits will be able to wrongfoot Johnny foreigner with his logic and facts. Sadly for the plucky Brits, all the economic cards are in the hands of Brussels, and the response from the EU to British demands during Brexit negotiations will be “pluck you”.
Labour has now come up with a post-Brexit strategy of its own, and it’s worth quoting in full. This was released by Jeremy Corbyn’s press office this week, which was seemingly labouring under the misapprehension that it made sense. “We now face the task of creating a New Britain from the fourth industrial revolution – powered by the Internet of things and big data to develop cyber physical systems and smart factories.”
It has words in it, and those words are arranged in a sentence that’s grammatical. It’s just that no one can say what the sentence actually means. The Labour press office would have been as well releasing a press statement saying “Whang ptang buzz ksssh dboing dboing. We’re going to build a New Britain with lego bricks and stacked up copies of the New Statesman, powered by a Martin Kettle that you can switch on with your mobile phone.” They could have just saved themselves and us a whole lot of bother by putting out a press release saying “we’re not the Tories.”
At least the Tories’ innovative jam, risible as it is, is a concept that’s understandable. You know where you are with a jar of artesanal hand made quince jelly. Labour has committed spin error 404, a path to electoral victory has not been found. Donald Trump might talk garbage, but at least he talks garbage in sentences that only contradict his previous utterances. The sentences themselves make sense. Labour can’t even manage that much. I always thought a cyber physical system was masturbating while looking at porn pics online. Labour’s given up on the porn pics and gone straight to the wanking. The Labour party has been abstaining on votes against Tory policies, now they’re abstaining on the English language too.
The Tories have no idea what to do about Brexit. Labour has no idea what to do about anything, and even if they did they wouldn’t be able to express it in words that anyone could understand. Where this leaves Britain is well and truly plucked.
Although they’re the ones who get called bad by everyone, it’s perfectly obvious what the strategy of the Scottish government is. Bute House is exploring every option short of a second independence referendum in order to have them ruled out by the intransigence and pig-headedness of the UK government. Every single olive branch that’s proferred to them is doused in the paraquat of pissantery. They’re letting the Tories hang themselves with their own arrogance, and allowing Labour to drown in meaningless word salads and abstentions. By the time a second referendum comes around it will be clear to just about everyone that all other options to rescue Scotland for common sense will have been ruled out by the Unionist parties. And that will leave independence as the only meaningful option left.
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Audio version of this blog post, courtesy of Sarah Mackie @lumi_1984 https://soundcloud.com/occamshaver/wee-ginger-dug-21st-nov-2016
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