With the Tories being clueless on Brexit and making sitting in a dark basement with a bag over your head seem like an exercise in illumination, you might have thought that Labour would seize the opportunity to provide some clarity and leadership. The Government is in such a state of headless chickenry that it wouldn’t take much. Just stand there Jeremy, say that you’re going to defend the interests of those who voted to Remain as well as those who voted Leave. Say that you’re not going to allow the Tories to use EU citizens as hostages to the political fortunes of Theresa May and her pals. Make it clear that the EU is consistent in saying that freedom of movement of people cannot be separated from the single market, and without the single market many thousands of jobs at at risk.
But that’s not what we got. What we’ve seen this week from Labour has managed to make the Tories seem like they’re decisive and have a clear and definite plan. Nae bloody wonder that they’re way ahead in the UK polls and the prospect of getting rid of them is receding ever futher into the distant future. Jezza, we’re told, has an open mind on freedom of movement. At least we were told that after Labour made an announcement that the party leader was not wedded to the idea of freedom of movement, but then later saying that they might accept it, and later still saying that they didn’t rule out because they’ve got an open mind.
The big problem with open minds is that ideas fall out of the back end just as quickly as they’re shovelled in the front. An open mind is what you get when you peer into the left earhole and see out of the right one. With Labour it’s even worse than that, it’s difficult to distinguish between the party’s open mind and a skull that’s had the top sawn off so that zombies can consume the brain. All the party succeeded in doing was closing the minds of those who were hoping that Labour might stand up for the millions who support freedom of movement and were hoping that the party might clearly distinguish itself from the xenophobes on the right instead of pandering to them. They wanted Jeremy to be Britain’s Bernie Sanders, not an Islington version of Donald Trump.
Things weren’t any clearer with his other big policy announcement which might not have been an announcement, maybe it was just a suggestion, or possibly a hint. Executive pay is an obscenity, company directors are awarding themselves increasingly inflated salaries and perks, many multiples of what the lowest paid workers in their companies take home. Very often those workers are so low paid that they qualify for state benefits, meaning that the country is subsidising low pay so that the very rich can continue to cream off the profit instead of sharing it with those workers who have helped to create it. First Labour was going to introduce legislation to put a cap on top pay, then they weren’t, then they were but they were going to look at ratios instead, then they weren’t again, then they were but only for companies working on government contracts.
It all made Theresa May’s Brexit tautologies seem like a model of clarity. Seven months on from the Brexit vote and we’re all still as clueless as the day after. The only thing we’re certain of is that no one is more clueless than the Conservatives and Labour.
The only thing saving Labour this week is that things across the Atlantic are giving a lie to those of us who feared that 2017 was going to be as shit as 2016. It’s going to be piss instead. A big steaming bucket of it. It’s hard to focus on the pish created by the Labour party and the Tories when Donald Trump has given us the biggest laugh since David Cameron’s piggate. The world really is going down the toilet.
It was revealed that there’s an intelligence services dossier alleging that the Russians have tapes of the Donald supposedly engaging in potty activities with prostitutes. It wasn’t that he was engaging in urinary perviness at all, he just misinterpreted the meaning of live-streaming. No one should be that surprised by an allegation that Trump was engaged in watersports with Russian prostitutes. When he met with Nigel Farage he showed us that he was quite happy to have a shit in his lift.
Donald Trump gave a press conference on Wednesday, which really was live-streamed. He furiously denounced the news outlets that were doing their best to flush his reputation, although he did that himself a long time ago. It’s fake news, he insisted angrily as he refused to take questions from reporters representing news channels that had reported the story. You could say he was really pissed off. Or on. Reports aren’t clear.
And maybe it is fake news, but it’s going to hang around him like the stench of an uncleaned public toilet and he’s only got himself to blame. He’s the one who unleashed the demons of fake news when he espoused the ridiculous story that Obama wasn’t born in the USA and is really a muslim. There’s karma for you. It’s Trump’s previous behaviour, his documented disdain for women and his own history of misogyny and abusive bullying that is responsible for the fact that even if this toilet tale is fake news, so many people find it believable. Urine difficulties of your own creation, Donald.
Far more important than Donald Trump’s alleged sexual peccadilloes is the possibility that the next president of the USA conspired with Moscow against his opponents, a Moscow that has damaging information that it’s using to blackmail him. This is the same president who is refusing to create a clear firewall between the presidency and the Trump business empire, and who’s appointing a cabinet of reactionary billionaire climate change deniers. Obama may have his critics, but in his eight years as president there was not a whiff of sexual or financial scandal, and it certainly wasn’t for a lack of searching on the part of his political enemies. Obama got through eight years without a scandal, Trump can’t even get through a Tuesday.
Lost in the toilet gags, lost in the gagging as we considered the reality that this manchild is about to become the US president, was the news that Boris Johnson’s visit to the Trump toilet, sorry, tower, has resulted in Britain being at the head of the queue for a trade deal with the USA. If you’re one of those people who voted to leave the EU because you didn’t like TTIP, it’s looking highly unlikely that the EU will accept it, but a post-Brexit UK will. There’s more karma for you.
We’ve got clueless Tories and a permaconfused Labour party, and the entire country is heading towards the Brexit cliff without the foggiest idea of what’s going to happen next. Who needs Donald Trump, Britain is going down a toilet of its own.
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