Theresa’s secret plan to save the Union

The dug has managed to find a top secret copy of Theresa May’s contingency plans for a second independence referendum, which were being used to line the kitty litter tray of the Downing Street cat. The plan details the strategy that Better Together Mark II is going to use to ensure the continuation of this glorious family of equal partner nations in which Scotland gets to do as it’s told.

Scotland is far too small. It’s terribly tiny. You only need to look at the BBC weather map to see that. Scotland is in fact so small that it is dwarfed by Iain Duncan Smith’s heart, and the size of Iain’s heart is a standard unit of measurement for sub-atomic particles. That’s how small Scotland is. It’s too small to negotiate membership of the European Union because it would get lost down the back of a Brussels sofa along with a chip that’s plastered in mayonnaise. Scotland is so small that you Jockish types should consider yourselves lucky that us busy and important people in Westminster can notice you long enough to tell you how small you are.

Now of course, you might tell yourselves that there are other countries smaller than Scotland which seem to manage perfectly happily as independent countries. Just in the EU alone there’s Malta, which is only the size of Arran but which has got far more influence in Brexit negotiations than Scotland does. There’s Estonia, with its population smaller than that of greater Glasgow, but with voddie instead of Buckfast. There’s Denmark, with its terribly fashionable hygge and being all smug and Scandinavian noirish. But what all these countries have in common is that they’re not Scottish. It’s being Scottish that’s your problem you see. Being Scottish automatically disqualifies you from being a normal country, because we’ve done our utmost over the centuries to ensure that you’re disqualified from being a normal country. You should thank us really.

Anyway, you won’t be in the European Union. We won’t let you. The fact that it’s got nothing to do with us isn’t relevant. We’re British and you’re just Scots. Everyone does what we tell them because we’ve got David Beckham and JK Rowling. You’ve only got that woman off Rab C because there are no famous Scottish people. When they become famous they’re British. Except when they lose a tennis match.

Besides, that Rab C show needs subtitles in Gillingham, never mind Genoa. There’s your problem right there, even if you could get into negotiations with the EU, they won’t understand a word you’re saying. Because you’re Scottish. You’ll be there shouting “Eleven!” at the top of your voices and nothing will happen. That’s one of the many reasons you need us. You lot don’t even speak English but Boris Johnson speaks French as well you know, because he’s watched loads of episodes of ‘Allo ‘Allo.

Then there’s Spain. The Spanish hate you. All of them. They really do. They hate you because you give the Catalans and the Basques ideas even though you’re terribly small and insignificant and no one notices that you exist, except when they’re hating you. The Spanish hate you even more than they hate people who protest about bull fighting. They hate you loads more than all those drunken expats who vomit all over the promenade in Benidorm but who aren’t migrants because they’ve got a St George’s flag tattoo. They don’t hate them because they’re British. They care far more about Scotland than anything else, even Gibraltar. But then that’s reasonable as it’s difficult to care much about Gibraltar because it’s sort of a cross between Magaluf and Morecambe. What it boils down to is that if Scotland gets independence then Spain will be in the embarrassing situation of having to explain how a Scotland that’s achieved independence legally and constitutionally has got nothing to do with a Spanish constitution that forbids independence referendums. Imagine how mortifying it will be for the Spanish government to explain to its people that Scotland is not in fact a part of Spain and Spanish laws don’t apply there. You can appreciate their difficulty.

They also hate you because they love eating fish and you’ve got it all the marine resources. So they’re jealous. You need us to make deals for you to sell your fish. Of course you’ll get filleted in the process, but that’s fish for you. You can’t do it yourselves because you’re too small. See above.

But despite Scotland being so teeny tiny, it’s got a national deficit larger than Donald Trump’s empathy deficit. Sad! Your deficit is bigly! Your deficit is larger than Donald thinks his hands are. That’s really big. Bigger even than Theresa May’s estimation of how much the European Union is going to pay heed to her demands in Brexit negotiations. You might think that Scotland being an economic basket case after 300 years of Union isn’t a good argument for continuing Westminster management, but you’d be wrong. You can’t manage for yourselves because you’re Scottish. You need to send us all your skilled people, your resources and your capital so that we can invest it sensibly in things that really benefit the people of Scotland. Like a high speed railway from London to Birmingham, London infrastructure, and those Trident missiles that are a vital ego massage for auld imperialists who can’t accept that the Empire is over. And then we reward you with a mountain of interest repayments on our debt so we can tell you how big your deficit is. But you do get a half hour of Jackie Bird and some murrdurrs, fitba and cute kittens that prove how bad the SNP are, after the proper news where we are but you aren’t, so it’s not like your needs are not being attended to. You should be grateful.

All your pensioners are going to die cold and lonely without a pension. The morning after a Yes vote the pounds in your pocket will instantly turn into dust. They’ll be worth even less than the pound will be worth after Brexit, and you won’t be able to have a currency of your own because you’re Scottish. Where are you going to get the capital you need to back up a currency eh? Well OK, you’re due a share in the UK’s assets, but we don’t plan on mentioning that bit when we phone up people over 65 and tell them that they’re going to be left outside the hospital and suffer because the Tories have blagged all the incontinence pads for use for when the Brexshit hits the fan.

You can’t trade with anyone. All your trade is with us, except for sending a couple of packets of Tunnocks teacakes to your auntie in New Zealand. And teacakes are British anyway. After Brexit happens the rest of the UK won’t want to trade with an independent Scotland even though we’re so desperate for trade deals that we’ve got our tongues firmly lodged up the backside of Donald Trump and will agree to flood the country with chicken meat that’s had a chlorine bath and will open up the NHS to US health corporations. So you’ll be screwed. Admittedly not as much as the rest of the UK is going to be screwed in trade negotiations with the EU, the USA, China and the rest of the world, but we’re only interested in telling you about your difficulties here. We’re British so we won’t have any.  We’ll always have Strictly, and you’ll have nothing but reruns of River City.

We won’t be making any vows this time because we all know what happened the last time and the evil nationalist Scots will just laugh at us. You need to remember that nationalism is vile. Nationalism is what you get when you’re foreign, and we all know that being foreign is bad. Bigly bad. Nationalism is the same thing as nazis, and painting the Gaelic for Police Scotland on the side of a helicopter is exactly the same as a Hutu radio broadcaster inciting people to take machetes to their neighbours during the Rwandan genocide. That’s true, because nationalism is bad, and borders are bad. Except British borders of course. They’re taking back control, which is a good thing when it’s done by anyone who isn’t Scottish. And besides, British nationalism isn’t nationalism at all, because it’s not just about the government of England, it’s also about the government of England telling Scotland what to do.

So that’s our plan. It’s going to be plastered all over the BBC and the pages of Unionist newspapers from now until the referendum. It’s much the same as our plan the last time, only this time we’re going to cut out the Labour party middlepersons and do it ourselves, because we’re Conservatives and our plans are always well thought through. Just look at Brexit.

Audio version of this blog post, courtesy of Sarah Mackie @lumi_1984

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0 thoughts on “Theresa’s secret plan to save the Union

  1. Uncanny! 😀 LOL

    That’s almost word for word what I thought she said at PMQs.

    Let’s not spoil the surprise. 🙂

  2. Pingback: Theresa’s secret plan to save the Union | speymouth

  3. Scarily accurate! Add to that the “the sooner Scotland gets out of the UK the better, so we stop funding you” brigade that regularly graces the comments sections of The Herald and The Times, and well, we are just s***e, aren’t we? And in it too. So just sit down and be quiet you poor deluded people, so we can decide what’s best for us – oops we mean you. Because nothing that the WG will negotiate during Brexit will be in Scotland’s interests, or indeed those of Wales or Northern Ireland either.

    • Correct, they make a lot of noise, but I suspect when push comes to shove they havent a leg to stand on. Unionists only have bluff+lies left in the armoury. The more they complain+threaten the more the mask slips and we see them for what they really are.

  4. Theresa May will be furious with you letting the cat out the bag, well said its a pitty no one believes the Unionist at leased north of Britain, just a we joke. If sonny Liston was feared he wouldn;t step into the ring, bring it on.

  5. We don,t need Tweeza May or May not to tell us all of this,we have more than enough of the N Britisher Unionist types up here in the nether regions to tell us.Rool Britannia belted out every weekend by a “minority” and the “heroic” British Army shimmying down a rope to an ecstatic welcome,ffs we don,t need enemies they abound among us.

  6. They’ll continue until the very last minute selling off Scotland’s assets – job centres, Army Barracks and everything else that their cronies might have a financial interest in.

  7. Just expecting Westminster to send in the “ultras”, I’m afraid to say, because that’s all they have.

    Keep your wits about you, folks.

    • And maybe more! She might even get Trump to tweet nasty tbings about “bad dudes” in Scotland, or even issue threats about sending US soldiers to defend Faslane and guard the US deterrents there, or even annex it as a wee Guantanamo outpost.
      As Trump shoots from the hip, one can expect anything.
      The goon/yoon hysteria will rise. Putin’s submarines will be “sighted” in the Minches and Fallon will rant and give a wee feature to Jackie Bird to spin. Then he will announce that they were ” escorted” away by the frigates which are not tied up for repairs. And announce Westminster saved Scotland.
      Expect something like the Zinoviev letter scare which scuppers Labour in the 20’s. A letter will have been found by unnamed sources (security reasons) outlining a threat that Russian agents will be infiltrating somewhere to annex Scotland as the USSR did to the Baltic republics’ in 1940. They were Russian agents because they had “snow on their boots”.
      Joking apart, Indyref2 will be nasty with fraternal bloodletting on a scale not even imagined by Davidson in her sane moments.
      I look forward to the EU promulgating the idea of aN EU citizenship passport for all which we can use on the Continent. Good move that.

    • A few years ago the MoD created Brigade 77 (or similar title) to use/manipulate social media. the increase in irrational, provocative, and pseudo-Indy blogs and posters is testament to this unit’s activities.

      IndyRef2 will have more “black-ops” on social media than on the streets because that’s where Pro-Independence voice s strongest. Be careful not to overreact and give the Corporate Media even more ammunition.

  8. EeSir, Can you get your friends at The National to put this on their front page and, get the Billboard Protest summarise it. Maybe leaflets could be distributed in the public domain

  9. So, the Brexit Bill has passed 494-122 and the protection for EU residency defeated 332-290.

    THAT if anything should sharpen the focus of new Scots, whatever their point of origin, in the coming months. The UK has set its course down a very particular path, with a very particular outcome.

    “It is now time for everyone, whichever way they voted in the referendum, to unite to make a success of the important task at hand for our country.” David Davis

    The UK is NOT a country. It is a ‘union’ (the clue is in the word), and not unlike the EU a union which incorporates other nation’s interests.

    Within (currently) that union there is at least one country which has a strong possibility of avoiding that lamentable outcome. One with a government which views its residents, its population and its responsibilities toward that population somewhat differently from Westminster government it seems.

    If you are a Scottish resident and you believe there is a better path toward governance than what we have witnessed in the past 24hrs in Westminster, then there is a choice.

    You aren’t a bargaining chip and your human rights are not a serving suggestion.

    Being a Scot needn’t be simply a matter of an accident of birth. It can be a state of mind.

    It can be a choice.

    So, ‘new’ Scot, or simply a Scot? How do you feel about helping build a better country and a better system of government?

    • Sam, I like to believe that the vast majority of the estimated 400,000 English born Scots citizens to whom we are eternally grateful for coming to Scotland, contributing to its economy, enriching our culture, and raising their families here, consider that Scotland is indeed another ‘country’, not merely a Region of Britain/England.
      We have witnessed the ‘democratic deficit’ writ large over the past week or so.
      No matter the ‘democratic will of the Scottish People’ (that’s all of us who live work and choose to be here) our hopes and aspirations shall always be dashed as long as we remain in this quite farcical Union.
      The choice is now stark.
      Do we, the citizens of Scotland do nothing.
      English based MPs, who overwhelmingly are pro EU, voted for Brexit, ostensibly to reflect the ‘democratic will’ of their constituents; oh yes, and to make sure they hold on to their cushy little gravy train sinecures. They voted against their consciences?
      I can’t stop humming Ode to Joy in my head.
      Sifflez, citoyens!
      Scotland is too big, too rich, too clever for WM to lose.
      But,by gid, they have ‘lost’ us.
      I have no doubt at all that they will throw everything at us next time.
      ” ‘Too late, too late,’ he cried in vain, across the stormy water.” (qv.)
      They have pushed us too far this time.
      I note that Dugdale, Harrison, and Rennie are hiding under the duvet this week.
      The Grown Ups are talking now: No Country For Old Hens.

      • I just caught Mike Russell slapping Gove about the head, incredibly generating laughter from members of the Select Committee who see this idiot for what he is. A slimy wee school boy, a failed, back stabbing bully boy..
        The lie about the £3.3 billion bill that Scotland would incur to remain in EU that Gove tried to peddle was corrected by Joanne Cherry. The £3.3 billion figure was the UK contribution. it didn’t of course stop Tom Gordon repeating the lie in the Herald. Not one of Kevin’s ‘hundreds of Independence supporting scribes, Tom?
        What the citizens of Scotland face is 80,000 job losses, a £9 billion drop in our GDP, and every family being worse off by £2000 a year. Mike Russell, English born, was stellar yesterday.
        We are in good shape this time.
        Freedom Come All Ye.

      • I thought if ANY amendment had a chance of success, then protection for the residency rights of EU citizens would have been it.

        What occurred in Westminster parliament last night is a black shame and a stain on the record of that house and UK society in general. The narrative of scapegoating, othering and demonisation has gone too far Jack. It got away from those who created it and there is no stopping the fallout from either.

        I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. I don’t believe Scotland should have any part of where the UK is headed, both in terms of government or society. Rights aren’t serving suggestions and the way the rights of 3.3 million EU residents were sacrificed on the alter of political expediency last night was appalling and idiotic in the extreme.

        Did the house consider the residency rights of UK ex pats living in EU states? Did they consider the reactions of the continental countries to such an act of human vandalism? Did they even consider the simple right or wrong of it? No, they did not.

        They were too busy making sure they had a seat to return to in 2020.

        There are some 190,000 EU residents in Scotland and God knows how many other nationals from across the globe who must have looked upon last night’s proceedings in utter disbelief and not a little anxiety. THAT was an example of just how easy it is to lose your human rights in Brexit UK. To move from becoming a valued member of society to a barter chip on a politicians table.

        I think we’re about done with this awful farce.

        • Precisely, Sam. There are a million plus change ‘ex pats’, i.e., immigrants retired to Spain, France, Italy.
          Indeed Dordoigne has been dubbed ‘Dordoigneshire’, with thriving little village shops selling Lee and Perrins sauce, Typhoo Tea, and so on.
          They are now hung out to dry by May and her darling Duds.
          Many rely on medical treatment over there: they are as much a ‘demographic time bomb’,an aging population as we old wrinklies are over here.
          If we are a liability, the Silver Surfers in Spain will be seen as a burden to them.
          Will there be a mass exodus from the Costas, Tuscany, and Cap Breton in April 2019?
          Could England’s crumbling NHS, Local Authority SWD’s and housing providers cope with the second Dunkirk evacuation?
          I joked about missing my Irish wife when she’s gone.
          Now, not so much.
          FFS they tore up the Good Friday Agreement yesterday!

  10. Corbyn had tweeted after the vofe last night, something like: ” the real fight begins now…”.
    A bit late, but there are not ma y Labour MPs in Scotland and he voted against Corbyn’s whip.
    Labour dahn sath have given May carte blanche.
    Kezia ironically voted with the SNP at Holyrood against Article 50. Yet, she still sees the UK union as vital!!
    Slab running around in circles. Having lost all bar one MP in 2015, the message has not yet sunk in. Having come third after the detestable Tories in Scotland, the message has not sunk in. Being in better together with the detestable Tories, how Slab hate the Tories , has shattered Kezia’s party, yet the message has not sunk in.
    How long can she last!!?

  11. Excellent piece.

    I have been wondering since 2014, what is our 8% of British assets actually worth ? Westminster has been affa quiet about that 🙂

    What is 8% of Canada worth, for example.

    How much is 8% of the Falklands, and their fishing, and especially their oil worth ( do we have future shares in that )

    8% of all the buildings and land scattered around the world ?

    I don’t believe we ‘owe’ anything, once we are Independent. Oh, and can we have our share of the UK assets in GOLD please, would be useful to back up the Scottish Pound / Groat whatever, the UK pound is looking increasingly shaky !

  12. And…breathe 🙂
    Seriously, I don’t know whether to laugh or kick the dog(I love my dog) with the goings on at Westminster. Madness has afflicted the place and we need to get our brilliant MP’s home before they start twitching!!

  13. Perhaps somewhat O/T: I wish the ‘take control of borders’ phrase would get challenged more.

    The UK has already full control of its borders, as a non-Schengen country. What (some) leavers want is to deny EU/EEA-citizens the right to work and live in the UK. That right has nothing to do with borders.

  14. Malta? Somewhere I probably ought to read up on. After all the patriotic WWII stuff about how that tiny island held out, how could ‘we’ ever let them go? And why did they even want to? With all there ‘Arab brothers’ no doubt keen to take them over (they speak a variety of Arabic written in Roman letters with a bit of Italian etc. thrown in)? And even then, even then, however did the EU accept them as a proper grown-up nation state? So many questions.

    But if London really does feel an indy Scotland would be a threat to its virility, why not the Norwegian compromise? No not EFTA, but the way for about a century Norway was de facto independent, but to save Danish face it couldn’t be let out on its own and so was technically under the Swedish crown.

    Hell, that would be to grant Scotland a status almost (almost!) on a par with the Isle of Mann! Oh how the pillars of the Mighty Brit Empire would tremble at such an outrageous possibility!

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