On the sofa with Theresa and Philip

Theresa May isn’t doing debates in her Me Myself I election. She’s carefully kept away from anyone who’s ever met a real life member of the public and who hasn’t had their brains surgically removed and replaced with a Maybotadulationometer. Strong and stable. Coalition of chaos. Bloody difficult woman. She certainly won’t stoop to anything so base and low as being subject to questioning from a hostile media, although to be fair a media that’s hostile to the Conservatives isn’t generally allowed within a 20 mile radius of her Sainted Theresaness. For Theresa has ascended to a level beyond the mere tawdry justification demanded of politicians of a lower calibre. She’s beyond Thatcherism. She’s evolved beyond Blairism. She needs no ism, just an is, and we lesser mortals should consider ourselves truly blessed that such a transcendent being has deigned to walk on the surface of the same planet that the rest of us occupy.

However the problem with robotically intoning soundbites as though they were nuggets of eternal wisdom while taking the mobility cars away from people who can’t walk and demanding that women prove that their third child is a result of rape is that people begin to suspect that you have all the warmth and humanity of a parasitic wasp which has injected its eggs into the paralysed body of a caterpillar so that its councillor larvae can devour it from within. In order to at least put up some sort of facade that she is in fact a human being, the Therezoid conceded to appear on the One Show sofa along with her faithful retainer and hedge fund manager. Because everyone can relate to the cosy domestic lives of a politician with all the compassion of Attila the Handbag with a migraine and her multimillionaire banker of a husband. The two of them painted their daily lives as a picture of cosy domesticity that hasn’t been witnessed since Lucrezia Borgia opened up her dungeons for a glossy spread in Hello magazine and gave a poison of the day recipe for its cookery pages.

There’s give and take in our relationship, said Philip as Theresa glared at Matt Baker and Alex Jones as she wondered about the best place to insert her ovipositor. Theresa gives the soundbites and I take them. It’s hard to be close and cosy when your wife’s idea of whispering sweet nothings in your ear consists of her repeating strong and stable strong and stable until your eardrums start to bleed, but Phil did his best. We’re a strong and stable couple because there’s boy’s jobs and girl’s jobs, said Theresa, helping him out in the least convincing attempt at simpering since Lizzie Bordie was caught with a bloody axe. Boy’s jobs are things like taking out the bins. Girl’s jobs are things like crushing all opposition, destroying democracy, and declaring war on France, Spain, and Germany.

Theresa has wanted to be Prime Minister since she joined the Shadow Cabinet, trilled Philip, glad to be allowed out for once. Theresa gave him an icy look which said that he’d be putting himself out along with the bins. “I don’t recognise that,” she replied when Matt and Alex asked if it was true that she had wanted to be Prime Minister since she was an icicle, because what she did recognise that admitting that she’s been a scheming careerist since she was old enough to say “kick that disabled person’s crutch away and deport that migrant” probably wasn’t the look she was going for on the One Show sofa.

Still, at least the One Show presenters were able to drag a commitment out of Theresa that while we are most certainly going to leave the EU, we won’t be leaving Eurovision. Although I’m not sure how many points we’ll get, said Theresa. The answer to that is of course null points, since the UK was never particularly popular in Europe, and now after Brexit and Theresa’s declaration that the EU is trying to prevent her from ascending to her rightful position as supreme goddess and She Who Must Be Obeyed it’s as popular as a salmonella infested bridie in a fine foods contest.

By now the interview was going like one of those disastrous encounters on that Channel 4 programme First Dates where the attendees clearly can’t abide one another but they know that they’re contractually obliged to get all the way through to the end of the dessert course before they can flee the scene. The leaden silence filled the studio like Ruth Davidson being asked to justify the rape clause at FMQs. Matt and Alex desperately tried to inject some life into the proceedings, but it was clear that the interview had as much life and vivacity as Theresa herself. Her cold dead eyes bored into Matt and Alex as she considered how long it would take her larvae to consume them from within.

Let’s talk about shoes! Theresa likes shoes. And Philip likes ties. And jackets. And spoons. And lampshades. And flock wallpaper. And oh god oh god shoot me now. Here we are in the 21st century and British politics have been reduced to Matt Baker and Alex Jones asking Theresa May about shoes on a programme that’s more commonly used by minor celebrities with a book, a movie, or a new album to tout. All Theresa has to tout is the death of accountability and the demise of democracy.

As an attempt to make a cold and robotic Prime Minister seem a bit more human, the interview was a dismal failure. No one who didn’t already have a fully functioning Maybotadulationometer in their skull was going to think any more kindly of Theresa after this non-interview than before it. As an interview it was as hard hitting as a teddy bear on valium. We learned nothing from it. What we already know is that Theresa May is on course to be the most loathed Prime Minister since Margaret Thatcher. Thatcher had her cultish acolytes too. What Thatcher did in Scotland was to transform a country which was pretty evenly divided on the question of devolution, and turn it into a country which overwhelmingly supported a Scottish Parliament. Theresa May will take a Scotland which is pretty evenly divided on the question of independence, and will turn it in a country which will vote for a sovereign Scottish state. That’s going to be May’s legacy, not interviews on the One Show that insult the intelligence of the voters.

This will be my last blog post until May 25th. I’m off to the USA for two weeks’ holiday – a trip which was booked long before Theresa’s Me Myself I election. Sam Miller (aka Macart) will be entertaining you in my absence and I’ll try and stick up a couple of other guest posts.  See yese in a fortnight!

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0 thoughts on “On the sofa with Theresa and Philip

  1. Pingback: On the sofa with Theresa and Philip | speymouth

  2. Interesting timing for your visit…

    If you’re going to be near Chicago, please email me; I’d be honored to buy you a coupletwo-tree pints.

  3. I dislike this BBC program as most items on it are inane and have little interest for me. I was just clearing up the dinner plates having watched the BBC Scotland news when I noted the Hilly Billies from No10 were on. Argh I thought.

    My wife was quicker though she had already pressed the off button with the phrase “Oh no, the Beeb are doing another Conservative party love in”

  4. ABout half way doen his it ossucred to me that we owe you a debt for writing this:it means we don’t have to look at it. I think you may be due a medal or something for risking your brain oozing out of your ears in the service of humanity.

  5. Heard R.Davidson on the radio. It sounded like she said “Eh” before every lie, and there were a lot of ‘Ehs’.

  6. You’re leaving us on a high. Thank you for saving me from watching the actual ‘interview’. Enjoy your holiday.

  7. I do hope your last two sentences are absolutely correct!

    Have a great holiday and I’m sure Macart will fill in beautifully despite his ‘nerves’ , but I doubt if he will be so willing to watch the incoming effluent that is the’ Treeza’ PR machine.

  8. Oh you did make me laugh this morning, you wicked man! Wonderful! Have a great holiday, and watch out for Border Control on the return trip!!

  9. I love watching political gymnastics during election times. The one show did it proud! What does get a bit tiresome is this ‘peepul uv Scoatlin’ independence harping….I thought you had done all this….?

      • Aye, and wee Kezia’s still digging. Her latest sound bite is,”vote SNP and you’re voting Theresa May back into Downing Street”!!

        • Come on, Kezia. We know that you read WGD avidly. How about a response to the quite magnificent letter from EU Citizens for and Independent Scotland?
          How you and your dwindling band can ignore what’s happening and by default will sell 180,000 of our fellow EU born citizens down the river, and ultimately destroy Scotland beats me.
          Are you really that thick and selfish, lass?
          Is there no one left in the Labour Party Up Here with an ounce of decency?
          Seems not.

  10. whitewash alert – the CPS report on tory fraud , lets see what linguistic contortions this lot are going to present us with ,no doubt the usual fall guy to make it seem plausible & palatable will be included just to keep the mugs quiet .

      • Always the damn same torys never get punished like anyone else would for these crimes of fruad as a normal person gets a possibility of jail time and has to pay that money back but torys oh no not them

  11. Mrs Mays man looks like one of the Chuckle Brothers but not as funny……It was the best laugh for the five minutes I watched it….Big T looked agonised.

    Hope you have a fabulous holiday…Many thanks for your writings which are reaching a peak of excellence.

  12. For sale
    One Maybotadulationmeter.
    Never been used
    Unwanted gift
    One reckless and neglectful owner
    First reasonable (or unreasonable) offer accepted

  13. Paul, you might wish to make a small edit to the article –
    “demanding that women prove that their third child is raped’

    Other than that, excellent and on point as ever!!!

  14. Gave up on the one show some time ago. Star Trek TNG on SciFi. I would vote for Picard. Bit rash, bit pompous, but means well.

  15. ‘Maybotadulationometer.’ I am jealous of that word. Brilliant; pure freeflowing poetry in just a few letters. And it’s good to see you’ve got your sense of humour back too. Only way to deal with all the inane insanity going on these days. Enjoy yer holiday.

  16. Didn’t see that interview so Paul’s view of it is vastly more entertaining,

    Have occasionally read the odd comment here and there on the internet comparing Thatcher’s public persona favourably with that of May. I think they might be using retrospective rosy goggles. Thatcher was similarly awkward and chiily when encountering the public. (Spitting Image caught the increasingly hectoring authoritarianism perfectly)

    She was groomed by Tory Central office to change her from a Moony Ponds Edna Everage housewife with genteel voice and petty bourgeois pretentiousness, into a scary Matron from a Carry On film. ( She even had a voice coach to lower her voice to a deeper pitch and teach her how to project.) Her minders also kept her from unexpected encounters with the public – and other politicians. After she was spectacularly holed below the waterline by a woman in an ill-advised TV studio phone-in to the Prime Minister folllowing the Belgrano incident, she never thereafter took part in any situation in which she could be ambushed by a knowledgeable member of the public armed with the facts.

    She was also guarded from meeting political opponents in studio encounters. It was a rule that she be interviewed separately from political opponents and she had her favourite interviewers to whom she graciously granted an audience – such as Robin Day, who could be tough on others but was unctuous and fawning with the Blessed Margaret. ( Incidentally, he was similarly soft on Jean-Marie Le Pen with whom he often shared a chuckle.)

    By the way, the right-wing print media similarly aided and abetted in creating the authoritative persona of Thatcher while monstering Michael Foot, who was treated to ridicule as an old duffer who couldn’t hold a candle to the Great Goddess. The House of Commons debates were then not televised but anyone who listened on the radio could often catch Thatcher being brilliantly wrong-footed by Foot in exchanges across the floor. But not many did listen in those days and willingly accepted the right-wing media’s interpretation of Thatcher as wholly in charge.

    Any of this sound familar?

  17. “kick that disabled person’s crutch away”
    Now if my memory isn’t playing tricks and delivering its own version of fake news, that seems to echo a Conservative rally of yesteryear, where when delivered from the platform it was greeted by deafening applause. But surely that couldn’t have happened?

      • Honestly I’ve no idea who the cheerleader was (Kenny who?) but afaik it was an official Tory event, so I’m glad for the confirmation, from the pov of knowing my memory is correct, but still rather sad that such a thing could happen. Sometimes the mask slips and the true face of Tory nastiness is revealed.
        And didn’t that remark follow on from “Let’s Bomb the Russians!” equally enthusiastically received? Of course that probably wouldn’t work today, since Ocenaria is now allied to Eurasia against Eastasia, and of course always has been. until the next realignment. It matters not who the Bad Guys are, just so long as there’s a bogieman to justify the arms industry.
        More to the point, how many of those cheering boys and girls are not MPs, party officials or even for all I know junior ministers?

          • Kenny who? Oh, don’t make me feel so old! Kenny Everett was originally a DJ who then transitioned to a successful comedy sketch show on TV. He was very popular during the 80s. He was seen as being ” a bit out there” with his outrageously camp persona – remember this was the 80s – but he took many people by surprise with his appearance at that rally.

            I remember the rally very well and the way in which Everett shamelessly worked that over-excited audience of mainly young Tories. His remarks such as “Let’s bomb the Russians!” and ” Let’s kick Michael Foot’s stick away!” had his audience going wild with delight.

          • Thank you. I didn’t watch the telly much so had no idea who he was, but I somehow saw that clip and it lodged in my memory. It rang true as they say, in a rather marrow-chilling way. So where are they now? All those vindictive, mass-murdering Tory thugs?

  18. I confess that I do not know who Matt Baker and Alex Jones are. Fleetingly I access ‘The One Show’ via i Player. From the blurb it appears that this early evening piece of BBC pap is what Frank Lloyd Wright described as ‘bubble gum for the mind.’
    I’m assuming that of the two presenters of The BBC ‘One Show’, Alex is the girl, short for Alexandra no doubt, and Matt, the boy.
    Perhaps Alex’s dad wanted a boy.
    The content seems to be the usual mixture of ‘celebrities’ selling their book, actors showcasing their latest TV series or West End Shows, or some lost soul baring their all on camera describing in gut wrenching detail how triskaidekaphobia ruined their life. Bless.
    The target audience appears to be based on the mainstay of BBC Home Counties situation comedies, the husband, wife, two point four kids living in Kent/Surrey/ Essex/Sussex/ Greater London in a semi three beds with integral garage which they bought for £90k during the Negative Equity crisis in the 90’s and is now worth £650k and rising.
    Father commutes to the City each morning, Mummy drops the kids at school in her 4×4 then puts in a shift at the High Street Book Store three mornings a week.
    It’s as though the last 50 years didn’t happen.
    The rest of us must suspend belief, and go along with a mindless format that owes more to Blue Peter circa 1965 than The Real World of 2017.
    Doubtless it was Lynton Crosby’s idea to get Philip and Theresa a spot on this early evening candy floss. When most viewers are shuffling their arses into a more comfortable position on the couch before nodding off for forty hard earned winks, the First Couple were offered the chance to show Mr and Mrs Sussex how ‘ordinary’they were.
    Paul, I love your:-
    “The two of them painted their daily lives as a picture of cosy domesticity that hasn’t been witnessed since Lucrezia Borgia opened up her dungeons for a glossy spread in Hello magazine and gave a poison of the day recipe for its cookery pages.”
    I hope that one of the programme’s gophers was out back checking that Treeza’s minions weren’t stealing Dalmatian puppies.
    “Boy’s jobs are things like taking out the bins. Girl’s jobs are things like crushing all opposition, destroying democracy, and declaring war on France, Spain, and Germany.”
    I loved it, Paul.
    I struggle to imagine Philip the multimillionaire Money Man lugging a black bin bag down the back garden path at Number 10 and dumping it in the wheelie bin.
    MI5 and the Secret Service would never allow it.
    Kelvin McKenzie, having fought off an urban fox whose fate will well and truly be decided once Big T reintroduces fox hunting, would be rummaging through the bags looking for juicy titbits to get him back on to the Dead Tree Scroll circuit.
    A Red Letter Final Demand from an energy company?
    ‘May’s Final Demand! Small Wonder Energy Prices To Be Capped.’
    An empty ready meal Boeuf Bourguignon container from Lidl or Aldi?
    ‘May noshes Frog Food from Kraut Stores. Why isn’t she buying British.’
    Old Kel boy would have a field day.
    You are at you eviscerating excoriating best today, Paul.
    What a PR farce.
    Paul, it is a true gift to make us laugh, yet rage at the same time.
    Enjoy your well earned break.
    Like good neighbours we’ll keep a watchful eye on your gaff while you are away.
    Great news that Macart’s going to pop in, water the houseplants, put the lights on occasionally to ward off intruders, and make sure we don’t have a Spring Break party in your ‘empty’.
    Thank you for your wonderful articles over the past year.
    Haste ye back, but take your time.

  19. Poor woman was distracted by important matters, like sending a thank you note to the DPP and her election to Honorary Leader of the Abbeystead Hunt. Give her a chance!

  20. Although I have never voted Labour I hope that the Scottish branch would have the gumption to bin the Union and set up an indy supporting party. They could call it the Scottish ‘Independent’ Labour Party. That alone will save them in the long term.

    Trouble is I think they do not have the balls to do it. Maybe if Kez is on the One Show next she could suggest this as an alternative to fox hunting.

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