It’s official. We’re in a mess. It’s an official mess, as opposed to the unofficial mess that has characterised the UK ever since a slight majority of the people of England and Wales decided that curvy bananas were more important to them than job security and the ability to travel freely throughout Europe. Theresa May has apologised to Conservative MPs for the mess she created with her single minded pursuit of what was good for her career, but she hasn’t apologised to anyone else. She hasn’t apologised to the public, and she hasn’t apologised to the goats who’ll die in order to produce the goatskin for a Queen’s Speech that’s a tissue of wishful thinking.
But then to be honest, she did stand on a manifesto commitment to animal cruelty, so the goat sacrifice is about the only one of her promises that she’s going to keep. If you’d ever wondered if the Tories were merely metaphorically or literally in league with Satan, just ask the sacrificial goat. If ever there was a time when Westminster politics was getting on the public’s goat, this is it. It’s hardly surprising that the process of forming a government is being held up by a goat, seeing as how Theresa May is looking to do a deal with a King Billy. You have thought that they should have used reptile skin for the Queen’s speech, then the members of the cabinet could have used the ones they’ve shed themselves.
Possibly the most concerning thing about the proposal that the British government is seeking to be propped up by the climate change denying, misogynist, homophobic, sectarian, fundamentalist, bigoted, budgie swing tier-uppers of the DUP is that the London-centric media has only just realised just how horrific that the party is. Ruth Davidson said that she’d sought assurances from Theresa May that LGBTI rights in the rest of the UK wouldn’t be affected, and Theresa said she’d see what she could do. This is a woman whose idea of saving the climate change agreement was to tell Donald Trump that she was “disappointed” that he’s condemned us all to a future of rising sea levels and a climate that’s even less stable than Theresa’s government. So that’s us reassured then, Ruth. Meanwhile the rights of the LGBTI community, women, and minorities in Northern Ireland can safely be surrendered to the No Surrender mob.
Equally concerning is the damage that’s being done to the Irish Peace Process. The terms of the Good Friday Agreement require the British government to remain neutral as far as the communities of Northern Ireland are concerned. Just how neutral can Westminster be when it’s reliant on the main party of one of those communities to prop it up? How neutral can they be when they’re making deals behind closed doors with people whose idea of Peace is indistinguishable from victory and who want the right to hold parades in Catholic areas. How neutral is it if one of the terms of the deal is for the British government to block an Irish reunification referendum? Brexit always threatened the Peace Process, this deal puts a bomb under it.
Theresa May went to the country to seek a mandate for a hard line Brexit which she was going to define all by herself. She went to the country to seek a mandate for secret plans that she wasn’t disposed to reveal to anyone. But mainly she went to the country in order to further her own career and secure her position as the unchallenged boss of the Tory party and the country. And then she got humiliated because having based the entire campaign on her personal character we discovered that she has all the personality of an unbent banana rotting away on the compost heap of Tory manifesto promises. So now the country is in a mess, and so is Theresa’s career. That much at least serves her right.
Several days on from the election, and still no one has any idea what’s going on, where the country is going, or what the government is hoping to achieve in the Brexit negotiations that are due to begin in a few days’ time. We don’t even know what the government is going to be. We still don’t even know if Theresa May will be able to negotiate an agreement with the DUP or whether by this time next week cabinet meetings will conclude with a rousing rendition of The Billy Boys, up to our knees in Fenian blood, and goat blood too come to think of it.
Meanwhile Ruth Davidson is acting as though she won the election, and much of the Scottish media is cheerfully going along with her. No one is denying that Thursday was a poor day for the SNP, but they still ended up as the largest party by quite some considerable margin. They have more Scottish MPs than all other parties put together. What we are witnessing now is a calculated attempt to undermine the Scottish government, the Scottish parliament, and the entire devolved settlement for the party political interests of the Conservative party. Repeat after me, thirteen seats out of fifty nine is not a majority. It is not a vote of confidence. It is not a mandate. It is frankly gobsmacking that this point needs to be made. Scotland’s interests take a back seat to the interests of the Tories, and Northern Ireland’s interests take a back seat to the interests of the Tories. This is not how a united kingdom is supposed to function. This is how a unitary state functions when it’s dealing with troublesome provinces. Ruth’s attempts at a goat butting putsch on Holyrood must be resisted.
The British state used to boast that it was one of the world’s leading powers. Now it can only vie with the Trump administration to see who’s the most ridiculous. Is it the orange skinned Trump, or the orange hued government of Theresa May. If you honestly think that this bagatelle of bagots, this failing anger management class of angoras, this orange parade of self-serving ruminants, this goat skinned wrapped parcel of rogues, is the best that Scotland can do, I can only reply – ye’ve goat tae be kiddin me.
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