Poor Theresa. [cough cough]. She’s had a rough week. The plan was for her to give yet another speech-of-her-lifetime, a speech that was going to assert her authority over her restless party and silence her critics and those who want rid of her – which would be about half of those attending the Tory conference and just about everyone outside it. But that’s not quite what happened [cough]. The conference is over and Theresa’s leadership hasn’t been re-established. The plotters are out in force, or more precisely, farce.
Theresa’s toe curling embarrassment of a speech was of the sort we all experience whenever James Kelly MSP takes to his feet in the Scottish Parliament, but at least that’s local and contained. Theresa May’s speech was a nuclear riddy of global proportions, a galactoshaming, a megamortification. It was the kind of speech that was the stuff of therapy sessions. It could only have been made more embarrassing if she was actually standing there in her underwear wearing a clown face. There was the comedian with the P45, there was the coughing that wouldn’t stop, and then to cap it all the letters on the vacuous slogan on the wall behind her started to fall off, one by one, starting with the letter F. It’s a pretty damning kind of cosmic karma when even your own party’s witless slogan tells to you F off.
We’ve now got a Prime Minister who’s only remaining in her job because she’s managed to get the cabinet to feel sorry for her. This is the political version of a pity party. Tories don’t do pity for the poor, the homeless, the low-waged, people with disabilities drowning in a heartless benefits system, but they do do pity for a selfish and entitled woman with a frog in her throat. We already knew that this government was a bunch of muppets, but now the prime minister is hoping that she’ll be able to continue in post because she has swallowed Kermit.
Quite coincidentally this week, it was announced in the news that an evil clown had been sacked. On reading the story I first thought it was about Theresa, but it turned out to be a story about a clown in a circus who lost their job because young children were frightened. So maybe it was about Theresa after all. She would have a much more secure, and indeed socially productive, career as an actor in a Stephen King movie. This is the only way that normal people would actually queue up to see her. And she’s already got the grimacing down off pat.
The only thing more embarrassing and shaming than the current difficulties at the top of the Tory party is the embarrassment and shame that they’re wreaking upon the country as a whole. The rest of Europe is looking on in disbelief as Brexit talks stall and Britain consumes itself with leadership disputes at the top of the Tory party. In a recent debate about Brexit, one member of the European Parliament expressed his dismay that the EU literally doesn’t have a clue who it is negotiating with. Is it Theresa May, David Davis, or Boris Johnson? There is no cohesive British position, all there is is backstabbing and briefing as assorted Tory wannabes try to position themselves as the leader once Theresa takes the fall for Brexit. They’re setting her up for failure, and the entire country along with it, just in order to promote their own careers. That’s fairly typical of Tory behaviour, the only reason more people aren’t outraged about it is because we’ve come to expect it.
Things are so desperate that Jacob Rees Mogg and Ruth Davidson are actually being touted as potential future leaders of the Conservatives by the anyone-but-Boris faction. Jacob is Posh Cuthbert from the Bash Street Kids cartoons made creepily flesh, whereas Ruth has no policies except saying no to another Scottish referendum and isn’t even a member of the House of Commons. Besides, Ruth’s likely to go down with the Tory party’s hardline Brexit faction as well as a bridie at a vegan wedding. Although to be fair there is actually more meat in a bridie than there is in Ruth’s politics. The fact that this gas filled pair of party balloons are being seriously considered is because the alternatives are even worse. Whoever ends up as next leader of the party, we already know that it’s going to be a clown. At least the Keystone Kops had a functioning motor, the Tories can’t even manage that.
The ruling party in this country just had a conference during which Arlene Foster of the DUP was feted like some sort of superstar and no less than six cabinet ministers turned up to hear her speak at a fringe meeting. By comparision with the Conservative party, the DUP is the voice of calm moderation, that’s how screwed we all are.
On Friday, Theresa insisted that she was going to continue in her job, because apparently what the country needs is “calm leadership”. [cough cough] Calm leadership is precisely what the Conservatives are incapable of delivering. Theresa May has lost control of her party, and lost control of the country. Once that happens you don’t get it back again. She’s too weak to do anything about Boris Johnson, but he’s lacking the support he needs to topple her. The only reason Theresa May is still in power is because the Conservatives are desperate to avoid another election, and because none of the potential successors want to take responsibility for the looming disaster that is Brexit. No one wants to be in charge if it all blows up in their face, least of all Boris Johnson. The whole country is being held hostage in the meantime.
Despite Theresa’s assertions that she’s going nowhere, the plotting and manoeuvering will continue. The only thing that’s going nowhere is the Brexit negotiations, and all the while the deadline is looming without any progress being made. We’re facing the cliff edge, and those driving the bus are fully occupied with fighting with one another. How are those broad shoulders of the UK working out for Scotland’s No voters eh? It’s time we told the Tories to follow the example of their own slogan, and F off.
The Wee Ginger Dug has got a new domain name, thanks to Indy Poster Boy, Colin Dunn @Zarkwan. http://www.indyposterboy.scot/ You can now access this blog simply by typing www.weegingerdug.scot into the address bar of your browser, the old address continues to function, the new one redirects to the blog. The advantage of the new address is that it’s a lot easier to remember if you want to include a link to the blog in leaflets, posters, or simply to tell a friend about it. Many thanks to Colin.
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