A foul mouthed sweary rant

So there was me saying I won’t be blogging much this week, and here you are getting not one but two blog pieces today. This is what comes of being a moothy and sweary vile cybernat. And possibly of not getting out enough.

I don’t use Twitter any more. I got fed up with the abuse from random twunks. It’s bad enough with all the folk who are determined to be outraged on someone else’s behalf, but anonymity brings out the worst in people and makes them feel that just because they disagree with something you’ve written they can tell you that they want your dog to be put to sleep. If I wanted random strangers telling me that my dog should be put to sleep I could just take him to the park in Edinburgh outside Holyrood and set him on a Tory MSP. Although to be honest he’d probably just beg for a wee treat and a pat on the head because he’s an attention whore. Which come to think of it is a description which applies equally to your average Tory MSP. Anyway, I cannae be arsed with Twitter any more.

That said, I do still have my spies, and they inform me that Tom Gallagher, my favourite Über-Unionist froth merchant, has been at it again. This is how he defends the glorious Union. This time he’s upset about Scottish people being sweary. Or more specifically, he’s upset about independence supporters being sweary. It’s probably fine for British nationalists to be sweary at independence supporters, Tom hasn’t clarified. But you can bet that if he did clarify it would only be independence supporters who were in the wrong, and Tom would demonstrate his moral superiority by not using the words “hypocritical pish merchant” even though that’s what he is.

There was me thinking that being sweary was a vital and important part of Scottish culture. We’re a notoriously sweary bunch and not being allowed to swear is treading on a crucial part of our cultural heritage. Oh wait. Pointing that out makes me a cultural and ethnic nationalist, and that’s bad. Fuck it. The very epitome of Scottish cultural nationalism would be to draw a Gaelic map of Glasgow that was full of swear words. Possibly that might lead to a nervous breakdown amongst the pettit lipped Unionists who love finding things to get offended about. Well there’s an idea for my next project. Now I just need to find out how you say “George hauf-airsed hypocritical fuckin Unionist twunk monkey Square” in Gaelic and we’re sorted.

The real point here, as far as anyone can tell with the contorted logic that passes for British apologias, is that the British state does all sorts of evil shit, but it does it politely and says please and thank you, except to benefits claimants who’re not really human beings and so don’t count. When you say please and thank you you can be excused just about any sin. Just don’t say fuck to anyone, and it’s all just perfectly fine. You can get away with any old evil.

Just look at Nigel Farage. He’s utterly vile. He says all sorts of nasty and despicable things, but he never utters a sweary word so it’s all just cool and unionflegtastic and he’s never off the telly. For the stalwart defenders of the British state it’s not the content which is the issue here, it’s the delivery. Which means that it’s totally acceptable for someone to put dog poo through your letterbox, the real offensiveness comes from calling it a shite and calling the person who put it through your letterbox a durty wee bastert. That’s probably a metaphor for Scotland’s place in the UK. We get covered in all sorts of Westminster inspired excrement, but the real crime is when we complain about the pish. Or the Jackie Bailley, as it’s now known in polite circles.

This is how Jacob Rees Mogg gets away with being an utter wee jobby who looks like the bastard offspring of C3PO and Opus Dei. He’s terribly polite about wanting to destroy our human and employment rights. That’s the benefits of yer Eton education right there. It’s a school that teaches its pupils how to be privileged wee shites but always to be affy genteel about it. It’s manners that make the difference between being a gentleman and being a ned, even though both of them are still kicking you in the nads. Jacob has reprehensible and nasty ideas, he wants do to cruel and vile things, but he never lowers himself to τόν σκάτον δὲ σκάτον ὀνομάσων, which is Ancient Greek for “calling a shite a shite”. Because that would be wrong.

There’s a snobbery a mile wide in Scotland, and in the UK as a whole, and it finds its epicentre in the language we’re supposed to use to talk about politics. Snobbery and net curtain twitching are designed to exclude angry people, upset people, people who are hurting. In other words the very people who are most suffering from the cumulative effect of hundreds of years of British misrule in this country. It’s one of the tools the powerful use to maintain their grasp on power. Apparently the proper way to engage working class people in politics isn’t to write or speak in a form of language that people might actually use and understand, the proper way is to write anguished articles about how working class people are excluded from politics, and lard them with phrases like the epistemiological praxis of intersectionality. ‘Scuse me for pointing this out, but fuck that.

The British are bastards, but at least they’re not sweary bastards. It’s not throwing disabled people out on the streets that’s beyond the pale, it’s swearing while you do it. But what’s really unforgivable is being pissed on from a great height and not asking the person doing it politely to stop and prefacing your request with a please and ending it with a thank you. That’s what’s really out of order.

So I’d just like to tell the net curtain twitchers of Unionism, and I mean this kindly, in the spirit of reconciliation, and with love, why don’t you just fuck off and find something worthwhile to complain about. It’s not like your Tory government, the equally hapless Labour party, and the glactofuck that is Brexit aren’t giving us all plenty.


The Wee Ginger Dug has got a new domain name, thanks to Indy Poster Boy, Colin Dunn @Zarkwan. http://www.indyposterboy.scot/ You can now access this blog simply by typing www.weegingerdug.scot into the address bar of your browser, the old address continues to function, the new one redirects to the blog. The advantage of the new address is that it’s a lot easier to remember if you want to include a link to the blog in leaflets, posters, or simply to tell a friend about it. Many thanks to Colin.

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0 thoughts on “A foul mouthed sweary rant

  1. brilliant, love it!! You speak for so many of us…..so many of us who are so fucking pissed off at what is happening in this country. I am glad I am Scottish because I have hope, the hope of Independence. I would be in the depths of despair if I was living in England and trying to deal with living with the extreme results of an NHS in agony, an education system struggling to teach, poverty that may never come to an end. Here in Scotland we are cushioned from some of the shite not all of it by any means as our Food Banks can testify to and our homeless people but we have hope. With people like you to keep ranting and raving for us and also talking sense it feels good. It feels human. It feels like we will get there.

  2. I Fuckin love you lol made me piss or Jackie Baille myself almost. I don’t swear that often but when I’m cross haha. Loved it xx

  3. You’ve nailed it Paul. I had a teacher at High School in the 70s who was downright evil but posh with it too, he couldn’t belt you any harder if he tried, maximum pain for the slightest misdemeanor, but very well spoken and dapper a true gent, ha. I can relate to this great blog unfortunately, as I experienced people like that as a boy. I enjoyed throwing a right few fcuks into that guy when I met him as an adult. Imagine Fluffy or Murdo if they got their hands on the power levers. Fuck, I need a blood pressure tablet lol. Great work, take care.

  4. Paul, that was wonderful.

    It took me back 55 years to a holiday with other 18 year old males in Benidorm where a few of the group were having a robust discussion outside the hotel. A plummy English voice intoned from a balcony, “For God’s sake, stop that bloody swearing.” We all fell about laughing, which did not, I am happy to say, please the man wi the marbles in his mooth.

  5. Pingback: A foul mouthed sweary rant | speymouth

  6. I’ll need to hunt out this sad excuse for a man’s tweet first.
    Now I know that they’ve lost it btw.
    Och, Frig it..speaking of frigates…
    Back shortly when I’ve hunted this saddo’s rant down.

    Me too not on twitter, but I’ll find him.
    Genuinely, who IS Professor Gallagher anyhoo?

    • Back again. This lad Gallagher sure has a lot to say for himself.
      He seems to be a great fan of the Fascistis in Spain.
      Well I don’t agree with him, so is it ok for me to pop round to his gaff and crush his skull with my knobkerrie?
      No, Professor, it’s not a sweary word.
      Just the preferred bludgeoning tool of fascist police forces throughout history.
      Gallagher, you are a gruntfuttock. (qv The Goons and the BBC Code)
      What a nasty little Brit Nat this lad is.
      Needs to get out more.
      Paul, what a great rant!
      WM is riddled with thieves, carpetbaggers, sex pests, and dangerous Upper Class bufoons, yet this academic idiot prattles on about the fuck word.
      We have won, mes braves.

  7. Well said Paul. Mind you, some of the most-spectacular swearing I have ever heard was from upper-middle-class chaps, on the rugby field.

    Chaps at the better public schools can, and do swear – I well remember being called: “You dirty Scotch cunt”, by a former pupil of one of England’s finest public schools. I mean, all I had done was connect with his gonads as I cleared him out of a ruck, back in the good old days of real rucking.

    No, problem is, the upper classes have never been able to accept the lyrical cadences of a Scottish accent, particularly a West of Scotland one.

  8. Brilliant reading Paul ! Uber-Brit Nat Gallagher describes himself on Twitter as an academic ( did ye!..aye!!) with 30 years working on managing identity conflict. I reckon that after 30 years of academic research he still can’t decide what identity he has….sphincter or purple boabie.

  9. All I can say is I can’t fucking wait until Scotland leave this fucking rancid union. If Tom fucking Gallagher gets tae fuck when we do then so much the fucking better!

  10. Indeed – I just wish those yoons could have made sure that Westminster honored the no vote instead of browbeating yes voters. The UK is turning into a nasty, squalid little shit hole. We’re all in danger of drowning in Westminster’s filth and all these arseholes can do is be angry at us pointing this out to them.

    On the week that Maybot;s super secret plan for brexit turned out to have less content than a Scottish news update on the BBC. Which means that Mundell was lying through his teeth about the substantial impact study on Scotland he had read. And on the day that May says that Prat lady is a cheeky scamp who is going to get her ears boxed. I would like to take this opportunity to say that I regard the UK as shit on the heel of my shoe, and I am counting the days til I can scrape it off and chuck it in the bin of history. A fate not only long overdue but richly deserved.

    And if any yoon takes offence at that. Well you can fuck right off.

  11. Well said, Paul! If anyone ever threatens any of my dugs there would be more than swearing going on. Thanks for a great blog and raising a laugh amongst all the brexit shite and loony yoony wankers talking Jackie Baillie. Let’s hear a fuck you in chorus to show we defend our cultural heritage!!

  12. Learn your early British history. Of course Scots are British unless you believe British history began with the arrival of the Anglo-Saxons and the history of earlier Britons is irrelevant. That is the view taken by Celtophobes. In point of fact, Britannia was the name given to the entire island. Alba or Albion was probably another.
    Our true British language has always been British Celtic and if Peter Schrijver is correct the language closest to original British is not the English language. It is Irish and he can provide supporting evidence.

    • My dear Mr. Macintyre,

      I wonder if you would please be so good as to explain the logic underpinning your decision to post this, dare I say and I do hope that you will forgive me for my presumption, off topic, comment on a post dedicated to rants and words which I am told are rather infra dig. I do so wish that I could rant. Is that some kind of Johnny Foreigner jingoistic attempt at verbal communication?

      • Presumably the SNP leadership want to convince more voters that a vote for their party will help to improve standards, including the current poor educational standards, in Scotland.
        Is the SNP leadership really impressed by the gutter language used by the writer of this article? If they are, then some/many potential voters can very easily opt not to vote for the SNP.
        I don’t understand why some of the inhabitants of this island are classed by him as British yet somehow SNP voters are not. I can’t follow most of your post either.

    • All I have to say to Ewan is – What the fuck?

      Not at all sure what yer wee diatribe has got to do with any of the content of this blog piece.

      Oh right. Nothing at all. So either you’re just a net curtain twitcher looking for something to be offended by, or possibly you’re posting from an alternate universe in response to a different blog article entirely. My money is on the former.

      Amazing isn’t it. You can translate something into yer actual Ancient Greek, and some clown will come along and accuse you of low educational standards because you said fuck.

  13. It has always bemused me that many people are offended by particular combinations of vowels and consonants and yet seem indifferent to the offences committed on the ordinary folk of Scotland by this arsebiscuit of a government in Wastemonster. I love this blog. I feel so at home amongst like minded individuals. You never fail to cheer me up Paul – and the dug is wonderful:-)

  14. Awesome Paul. 😀 *cheers wildly*

    Just to be absofuckinglutely clear to yer average snobby yoon scribe (and we know you look in). What I find offensive is YOUR government’s cruelty, venality, greed and deceitfulness. I take fucking offense at the poverty and desperation those bastards inflict on those least able to defend themselves and I absolutely find offensive metrosplaining fuckwit journos and pundits telling us who we are, who we’re meant to be and why we should be ever so grateful for being shat upon and patronised from a great height.


  15. Patel falls. But we became aware of her sacking, but not in advance of it.
    Just like Johnson knew about her working holiday.
    He was aware of it, but not in advance of it.
    The Mad World of Yoondom.

  16. Many years ago when I was living in Wiltshire, my neighbor, an aged Catalan who had fought for Britain in the war, told me “The English have conquered the world with 2 words, please and thank you”. Eddie hated England. It was wrapped too tight for him.

  17. I haven’t laughed in months (for the last 501 days to be precise) – my husband’s a Brexit bargaining chip and my kids are asking when we’re all getting deported on a daily basis. You just made me laugh out loud Paul, thanks. (And fuck the lot of them!)

  18. Tories the cheat and lie but dinny swear, whit a shower o’ basturds, it’s strange that some folk believe that if you speak wi’ a plum in yer mouth yer very intelligent! Weel, there’s nothin’ mair plausible than a plausible rogue, an’ that’s whit the public school system is guid at pumpin’ them oot especially in the hame counties. Thanks agin Paul fur a crackin’ post.

  19. “The English Are So Nice” D.H. Lawrence 1885-1930

    The English are so nice
    so awfully nice
    they are the nicest people in the world.

    And what’s more, they’re very nice about being nice
    about your being nice as well!
    If you’re not nice they soon make you feel it.

    Americans and French and Germans and so on
    they’re all very well
    but they’re not really nice, you know.
    They’re not nice in our sense of the word, are they now?

    That’s why one doesn’t have to take them seriously.
    We must be nice to them, of course,
    of course, naturally.
    But it doesn’t really matter what you say to them,
    they don’t really understand
    you can just say anything to them:
    be nice, you know, just nice
    but you must never take them seriously, they wouldn’t understand,
    just be nice, you know! Oh, fairly nice,
    not too nice of course, they take advantage
    but nice enough, just nice enough
    to let them feel they’re not quite as nice as they might be.

  20. fuckin nailed it brw.
    dude, can you read my fucking mind?. for a few years now i have been posting on a non political “British” based 😉 hobby of mine forum, always busy, that’s gone, since the practice run of 2014 right political, and i mean Right political in every way. some nasty stuff, but usually very well spoken.
    initially great craic, usual stereotyping but full of good people and funny as fuck, still is, but the mood has defiantly changed. much to their annoyance i have a habit of breaking in to my local Scots when getting a telling if disagreeing with their crazy talk, it winds the fuck right oot o em. i dont go out my way btw, it just happens.:).
    the latest bone of contention is social media and blogs. not to be trusted, none of it, fake news. while not noticing each and every reply is a blog long, often full of some right extreme shit .but verbose and always well punctuated, apparently, so therefore and like you say, it aint really extreme after all. but throwing in the odd “your full o pish brw” is a bit rude? wtf?
    perfect timing and i really need to get you paid. thumbs up.

  21. A wee boy fae Castlemilk is staying with his posh auntie overnight. Coming down to breakfast his aunt asks him what he wants to eat to start the day.

    ‘Oh, fuck it, just some cornfllakes’, the lad offered, not wanting to be too much trouble.

    HIs aunt, who backs Jackson Carlaw’s right to assault young children, wallops the waif around the ears, yelling:
    ‘Don’t ever let me hear you use language like that in my house ever again!’

    The following morning, the Castlemilk Diehard is asked once more what he’d like for breakfast.
    A quick learner,the lad replied :-

    ‘No’ fucking cornflakes anyway.’

  22. The UK government some would have you believe are worth your vote and your loyalty.


    They’re not.

    Just to recap though. Including Mr Fallon, that’s four cabinet ministers of the sitting central government involved in ongoing national/international scandals within the last ten days. If anyone thinks they’ve heard the last of the sex scandals, off the books international lobbying, foreign office gaffs or the capper… Brexit, then they’d better think again.

  23. I wish I could stop swearing
    It really is a vice
    For people with good hearing
    It isn’t very nice

    I bought a book on e-Bay
    Entitled ‘Help Yourself’
    I read it in just one long day
    Now it’s gathering dust on the shelf

    This constant profanity flow..
    It turns the air navy blue
    If I drop some-thing on my toe
    ‘Dear me’ somehow just won’t do

    I feel a lot better now
    I know what is causing these fits
    I read about it in ‘Now’
    I’ve got a disease called Tourette’s!

    As for me I spent my working life in the armed forces and then in several different manufacturing businesses across the UK. These are areas of lots of sweary words. In one business at the end of the 80’s there was a supervisor called Fiona. At least that’s what she called herself. Everyone else called her ‘three f’s’. That was because there was three in every sentence.

    Swearing to me is not normally required in normal conversation but it is great when annoyed at some pratt or to emphasise something in a story. I find I use sweary often to describe British Nationalists with phrases like “what a fucking buffoon” or “what a fucking obnoxious lying bastard”.

    Anyway you just swear away Paul when it suits your mood or you wish to do a little mild criticism. All fine with me.

  24. “You can translate something into yer actual Ancient Greek, and some clown will come along and accuse you of low educational standards because you said fuck.”

    Ha ha! That made me laugh. Says it all, really.

    And Macart swearing: someone has to have said something really daft to provoke that reaction.

  25. Tut tut! Time to raise the level methinks.

    Perhaps a mind expanding visit to the works of our great Makaris, a bedrock of our culture, might be more profitable.

    Might I suggest The Flyting of Dunbar and Kennedie? 😉

          • The earliest attestation of the f-word in literature is in a poem by Scots poet William Dunbar, written in 1503. The poem is called the Brash of Wowing and includes the lines:

            Yit be his feirris he wald haif fukkit
            Ye brek my hairt, my bony ane.

            The Flyting of Dunbar and Kennedie contains the first instance in literature of the c-word. It also contains the glorious line:
            Wan-fukkit funling, that natour maid ane yrle.

  26. And the benefits of this union are exactly what ?

    I cant think of one , i suppose if we wait long enough one will come along .

  27. I would like to point out that swearing is not an essential skill needed for all of us who hate posh upper class English twats

    • All upper class people are not twats, some are. Mind you I have also met lots of middle and lower class twats. Money does not make you a twat but your behaviour does.

  28. I saw Tom G posts, Him & history woman..they are like children. they cannot fight for their precious union..there is nothing to defend. so they post childish barbs at SNP all day & hug each other. So Sad…& that’s the educated ones!

  29. Just watched FMQ. Davidson Rennie and Jackie Pi..Baillie on 999 calls and a harassment panel at Holyrood.
    Their comfort level? The FM is expected to personally intervene on potholes and pissoirs at the Yoon wee pretendy parliament.
    They demand answers at the despatch box about everything.
    Davidson and her crew are directly responsible and accountable to the citizens of Scotland for government policies at WM which are killing thousands every year, and Rennie’s five year coalition before them, but 200 out of 2.6 MILLION emergency calls gone wrong and it’s all Nicola Sturgeon’s fault. FFS.
    What a tawdry wee bunch of Third Rate Yoons who warm their bums in Edinburgh.
    Come the Revolution, guys.
    Davidson is genuinely a waste of Scottish oxygen.
    But then again she’s a ‘friend of Israel’, so that’s ok.
    I am running out of patience. Brian Taylor and his pal Hamish from the Times coo-ed that Ruth scored points on the 999 issue.
    What midgets these so called political commentators are.
    We must break free of this cosy little secret society that allows Scotland to be sidelined like this.
    BBC Scotland, just switch the lights off. You are an irrelevance, the People’s Friend of news gathering.
    They try to smother our democracy by peddling mediocracy.
    Not for much longer.
    To the Herald staff who are being ‘rightsized: Findo Gask Advertiser, commission only awaits.
    Well, you were warned.

    • Remember when Hamish wrote tosh for the Caledonian Mercury, back in the days when Rab’s FMQs sketch was the highlight of the week? He didn’t like criticism did Hamish, but he wrote some twaddle.

      • Indeed, Keith.
        They are getting the same money for reporting on drain blockages and bin uplifts as their Grown Up colleagies in the WM Bubble get for covering Foreign Policy War, The world economy, and Treeza’s brown leather trousers.
        Fire stations closing and 200 failed 999 calls out of 2.6 million. That’s reason enough to have James Kelly, Neil Findlay, Ruth Davidson and Murdo Fraser given the chance to govern Scotland?
        The Online Herald Britland has this 999 crisis as their headline, supporting their good buddies Davidson and Rennie in keeping Scottish news mediocre. And they wonder why they are losing readers.
        Oh my weeping Jesus!
        Can you imagine wee Alec Rowley as Finance Minister in a Yoon Coalition? Nearly teatime; time to let my stomach calm down.
        Yet Next Thursday Toodle Oo The Noo will be SNP Bad with his Yoon buddies from the Club.
        As I observe, why don’t BBC just shut the Scottish stockade?
        It is totally pointless, unless a badger slipping into your hoose via the cat flap is considered headline news in your neck of the woods yet folk dying of state engineered poverty, not so much..
        If so, get a feckin’ life.

  30. An excellent rant. Just the thing for a November evening.

    Wikipedia says, ‘Fuck has a very flexible role in English grammar, including use as both a transitive and intransitive verb, and as an adjective, adverb, and noun. It can also be used as an interjection and a grammatical ejaculation.’

    An interjection followed by a grammatical ejaculation. Must be some sort of euphemism – or I’ve got a filthy mind, though I am not sure it would be a very effective opening line (another euphemism?) over a candle lit dinner.

    Further upthread I see a call for some culture so, in the spirit of things, I offer something from the Rabbie Burns:

    Put butter in my Donald’s brose,
    For weel dis Donald fa’ that;
    I loe my Donald’s tartans weel
    His naked erse an a’ that.

    For a’ that, an a’ that,
    An twice as meikle’s a’ that,
    The lassie gat a skelpit doup,
    But wan the day for a’ that.

    For Donald swore a solemn aith,
    By his first hairy gravat!
    That he wad fecht the battle there,
    An stick the lass, an a’ that.

    His hairy ballocks, side an wide,
    Hang like a beggar’s wallet;
    A pentle like a roarin-pin,
    She nichered when she saw that!!!

    Then she turned up her hairy cunt,
    An she bade Donald claw that;
    The deevil’s dizzen Donald drew,
    An Donald gied her a’ that.

  31. Dear Santa, ( ) I’ve been good all year. ( ) Ok most of the time. ( ) Once in a while. (X) fuck it. I’ll buy my own shit.

        • I cannot be in the same room as QT, BBC News, STV News or indeed any other even vaguely similar broadcast. Objects bounced off the old CRT TVs, but the new TVs cause too much restrictive tension in the human mind and body.

          Simon and Garfuncle sang “I get the news I need on the Weather Report” but even that is dire.
          I get the annoyance I need from enough other sources.

        • P.S. At a recent funeral of an old friend, one of his daughters gave the Eulogy at the end. She finished it by saying, “As dad used to say, ‘Keep the head and have a pint'”. So I did.

          • Les, thanks for sparking a memory of my own dearly loved dad, who was ironically known as the ‘wee gaffer who never swore’, by his workmates in John Brown’s.
            His calming influence on his four sons in our formative years was immense.He was the gentlest of men but always the head of our family.
            No matter how severe the crisis in our young minds he would observe ‘Nothing burning’ , and indeed nothing burnt. He was always there for us.
            He is gone nearly 30 years now and I miss him to this day.
            Thanks for the memory.
            ‘Nothing burning.’
            We shall be independent soon.

  32. Excellent stuff!

    For a study published in Social Psychological and Personality Science, researchers at The University of Rochester in the US ran a three-part experiment to find a connection between foul language and telling the truth. Overall, they found that the more you swear, the more honest you tend to be, and this holds true at both the individual level and the society level.

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