The Westmonster Raving Yoony Party

It’s been a week for space geeks. It is deeply reassuring that the rest of the world is catching up because everyone in the UK has been living in a dystopian sci-fi nightmare for quite a while now. Who needs lizard alien overlords when you have the Conservatives?

Scientists are investigating a strange object which is the first confirmed visitor to our solar system from the depths of interstellar space. Called ‘Oumuamua, the object is believed to be an asteroid which is ten times longer than it is wide, a shape which scientists who specialise in the study of space rocks are finding hard to explain. Some have speculated that it could even be artificial, and are checking whether the object is emitting radio signals because it has the exact same dimensions as the Battlestar Galactica off the telly. You know, typical spaceship shape, indistinguishable at a distance from an extremely large phallus. Which is probably why it’s now heading away from us deep into the solar system and is on course to penetrate Saturn’s ring. If it is a messenger from a distant alien civilisation it’s legitimate to ask why it hasn’t made contact, but clearly it picked up a transmission of British cabinet ministers talking bollocks about Brexit and concluded that there’s no intelligent life on Earth.

Meanwhile, on Monday Donald Trump signed an executive order committing the USA to putting another man on the Moon. Originally Vice President Mike Pence had volunteered to make the journey because he wanted to go somewhere where there is no gay life, but then someone told him about the Clangers and the dangerously socialist Soup Dragon giving away food for free. So the plan is now to send Jared Kushner instead so that he can’t be questioned by the FBI. I’m going to start a petition to get Trump to send the entire UK cabinet. If we pack them all off to the final frontier then maybe we can have some sense on the Irish frontier instead. And there’s always the chance that by ejecting them from the planet we’ll raise humanity’s average IQ by enough to make ‘Oumuamua turn around and make contact.

Not that Labour is any more coherent than the Tories. The problem isn’t that Labour doesn’t have a position on Brexit. The problem is that Labour has as many positions on Brexit as there are Labour MPs. This means that Labour is still indulging in its favourite game of saying all sorts of positive and pleasing things in opposition and giving us no certainty at all that it’s going to implement any of it once it gets into power. The basic problem for Labour is that they have picked up thousands of votes from younger people who are viscerally opposed to Brexit, but Jeremy thinks that Brexit is quite a good idea, because he believes it will allow him to pursue his 1970s dream of the British Parliamentary Road to Socialism only without the flared trousers, the avocado toilet suites, or the casual racism, sexism, and homophobia. This is Labour’s own version of the Tories’ Irish border conundrum, one which they’re trying to solve by saying as little as possible but what they do say consists of meaningless soundbites. So very much like the Tories in that respect then. British politics these days is as meaningless as asking what time it was before the Big Bang, or claiming that there are actually real statistics for Scottish exports to England.

Those of us who are a bit older and a lot more cynical have seen this sort of trick from Labour before, and that’s why we gave up on the party a long time ago. We desperately clung on to the hope of Labour salvation all the way through the dire decades of Thatcher and John Major, only to discover that the British Parliamentary Road to Socialism ended up with PFI and bombs in Baghdad. This is why we want Scottish independence, it gives us a chance to press the political redo from start button.

However there are still those who think that the problem with British politics isn’t the system, it’s the individual parties. This is a bit like insisting that the symptoms of your illness are actually its cause. The problems with the British state are much deeper rooted. They are caused by the Westminster system and they won’t be cured by creating yet another Westmonster Raving Yoony Party. Writing in the Herald on Tuesday Chris Deerin, that apologist for British nationalism because it’s not nationalist at all, proposed exactly that. Let’s ignore Scotland’s constitutional questions and pretend they don’t exist, said Chris, unwittingly illustrating exactly what is one of the major problems of the British state. Scotland doesn’t get a voice in the Brexit negotiations, even though we voted by a much larger margin to remain in the EU than we voted to remain in the UK, but the Brexit-supporting DUP from a Northern Ireland which voted to remain by a smaller margin gets a veto.

Chris wants a new centre right party like that of French Prez Emmanuel Macron. Let’s get the likes of Tony Blair and George Osborne together in a new political party, he suggested. The thing is, if the answer is Tony Blair and George Osborne, then it ought to be obvious that you’re asking the wrong question. We’ve done the politics of Blair and Osborne before, and that’s precisely what brought us to the pathetic situation that we’re currently mired in. You’d have a far more realistic chance of solving the problems of British politics by pinning your hopes in ‘Oumuamua turning around and bringing us the 20th century equivalent of the monolith in the movie 2001 teaching the apes how to bang the rocks together. Presumably that would be banging the heads of the Tory party together. This wouldn’t actually lead to any lasting or meaningful solutions, but it would at least make the rest of us feel a bit better.

New political parties have been tried before, remember the SDP? That didn’t work. The UK is incapable of reforming itself and no amount of banging the rock heads of British political parties into a new Westmonster Raving Yoony Party is going to make the slightest bit of difference. There’s only one solution for Scotland, and it doesn’t involve remaining a part of a dying political culture in a delusional UK.


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0 thoughts on “The Westmonster Raving Yoony Party

  1. Loved it Paul. You do make me chuckle. The lizard alien overlords reminded me of “V”, and I actually could envision Ms May dislocating her jaw to swallow a rodent!! (Shudder!)

  2. Good choice from Chris Deerin on who should form a new political party. He suggests Gideon, who lives on another planet and has no idea on what life is like for normal human beings; then that blatant war criminal Bliar (Maggie and the devil’s evil spawn), who not only couldn’t lie straight in bed, but whose sole reason for existence is conning people and states to make huge piles of money for himself. Sometimes I wish I believed in sky fairies, then I would be content that Bliar and his ilk would spend eternity burning in hell.

    • Or… we could put together a team headed by Captain Kirk, Spock, and May, Corbyn and Davidson , and beam them up to the asteroid/spaceship to investigate.
      We know the format by now. The ‘stars of the show’ Shatner and Nimoy always survive, while the patsies who accompany them are zapped by the hidden alien menace every week.
      We can but hope.

  3. Well, that’s certainly one of your better ones though in the pursuance of innuendo I am duty bound to suggest that if the long dark phallic thing fails to penetrate Saturn’s ring there is always Uranus.

    The UK meeja is being strangely quiet, something which will probably not change even if they manage to digest the implausible rhetoric spouted from the Maybot on Monday and it is a sad indictment of the UK meeja that one must refer to other country’s meeja for enlightenment. For example, the Irish Times suggests the DUP’s back stabbing might well back fire and result in the hastening of unification of the island of Ireland since it is the Tories in grey suits who think they have the prerogative when it comes to back stabbing. Also, following dim, but dim, Dave’s weekend of oratory, the EU have responded by toughening up their resolution, which, I think, is meant to be a pun and highlights another Brexiteer colonial attitude; whereas most people in the UK cannot read and understand the European media, most in the rest of EU are polyglots and do understand Engerlish even with its many nuances, and the rantings in the UK meeja do not go unnoticed.

    I completely agree that the Labour party is an utter waste of bandwidth. Opportunities to bring some sense of order to the chaos are endlessly missed. The only memorable Labour question asked on Monday was from Scotland’s own Mr Union Jacketed Murray who, stupidly, asked a closed question – one to which the answer is either yes or no, and that is what he got.

    Yes, there is only one solution for Scotland – we need to escape from this madhouse.

  4. Excellent article, thanks Paul.

    I have been saying to family & friends south of the border that Labour cannot be trusted. They respond with ‘yous have the SNP, we don’t have a choice’. So why has no one set up a social democratic party in England? People are too feart, too poor and too complacent, simple. Sorry but it’s true, though to be fair the wind was blown out of the sails of the working class in England a long time ago, and Labour had a big hand in that.

    Of course the SNP are portrayed as a rogue basket case to those in England, so when I suggest they need a party akin to the SNP, they just shrug, or look as if they are cringing.

    The Britnat establishment and their dodgy pals around the globe have done a class job on the propaganda front, while mindnumbing the people, with great Britnat BBC programmes. Win win, for a few, lose lose for the many.

    And we have things like the Britnats in WM, phew we are sll soooo grateful they have decided not to allow animals to lose their sentient status with Brexit. Even had a happy go lucky 38degrees email saying the power grab is off as well so all is really rosy in the Brexit garden.

    It’s well known that the WM UKgov will say one thing, like, we will kill all first borns, everyone gets upset, then they say, ok, we won’t kill them, just maybe sanction their parents instead, is that acceptable? Thought so.

    So everyone goes, aww, the Tories are not as bad as all that are they, look at what they are doing for animals and babies!

    It’s xmas soon, so the Tories are pretending not to be a pleb hating nasty scrooge,
    instead, all your pets can be safe now. meanwhile the tories have done absolutely nothing at all, win win!

    Tough for those needing foodbanks and homeless shelters this festive season though eh, all due to Tory disgusting austerity on our most vulnerable. Disgusting.

    • Lovely, Hetty. You and Paul are on top form.
      The Yoons are so good at keeping their cards close to their chests that they are seated in front of a full length mirror at the Brexit poker table.
      Over the week end they managed to relay to the EU27 that they didn’t mean a word they said in the Phase One talks.

    • What gets me the most of the stupid English is they bicth about things but won’t band together to make it happen they’ve shown hate towards Scotland on many occasions and anyone who says they don’t I’d call a lier the majority of the english population want us out of the uk but they got to fight westminster to do that and they haven’t the backbone for that fight the English are all mouth when push comes to shove they talk a good game but that’s it that ukip petition to kick us out of the uk proved that the conservatives shot that down so easy they never tryed since.

  5. Top class writing ….

    talk about a horde of total chancers…Union politicians are without doubt the worst in the world.

    I know you have folk like Mugabe but this lot maim and kill others incuding their own citizens, using the veneer of the mother of democracy crap.

    There is always hope. There really has to be.

  6. We don’t even have the relief of aliens coming down and probing the Westminster elite now that the asteroid is heading away…

    Getting tired of the earnest young, and not so young, activists from Labour telling us up here that oooh JC is the next saviour of the universe. NO, NO, NO..he’s just another self righteous relic from days of yore who won’t be able to change anything without the system fighting back!!

    Unless he can change the two party system, nothing will happen. We know this…

  7. So just in case anyone was wondering? That link I posted last night was about amendment 158 to the Brexit bill. It was an amendment which, had it been successful, would have prevented Westminster from altering the Scotland Act at will and repatriating powers from the EU as and when it felt like it.

    The amendment was defeated needless to say, as Westminster government of any stripe will only ever vote in the interests of itself. Sewel convention, partnership of equals, family of nations. ALL of it… exposed for the utter bullshit and empty rhetoric it always was.

    The devolved legislations were effectively betrayed by the commons chamber last night and nary a peep has been seen in today’s meeja. The very idea of devolution and partnership of nations betrayed by the same people who begged for one more chance to come good. Life comes at you fast right enough.

    If you think this latest criminal act toward our electorates needs righting, then you know what needs done. Get behind Scotgov and get behind a Scotref. If you continue to allow that commons chamber to dictate your life choices you WILL lose more than you can possibly imagine.

    Do NOT say people weren’t warned.

    • Before i look whats the chances of the BBC headlining this latest bit of treachery , that of course was a rhetorical question i wont waste my time looking ,
      I wonder how the new labour bod is going to try and defend this , it should be interesting as long as he is actually presented with the question ,
      I think Nicola should use the time , ( his time ) during his allotted question , and whether the Presiding Officer likes it or not , shout that labour clown down embarrass him for the stooge he is

      • In the end Andy, it doesn’t matter who voted against the amendment. What they did was morally indefensible. You are either part of a partnership, or you are not. You are a valued equal, or you are not. Last night the majority of that chamber decided we are neither partners or equals.

        There is no possible argument they could offer and no other possible explanation.

        Seems a pretty inescapable and logical conclusion to draw, yes?

    • The trick is to get the people of Scotland who voted for Unionists to realise that these bought and paid for Dim But Nice Yoons have no interest in the welfare of the people of Scotland.
      They are killing our fellow citizens in their tens of thousands each year, to reward the rich, pay for a super railway in the South of England, and undermine Scottish democracy at every turn.
      They are the enemies of the people, whose main role in life is to perpetuate the Union, in which Scotland continues to be an oppressed colony.
      They are traitors and state sponsored killers.
      NS must bring Davidson and the insane laughing Carlaw, Smith, Fraser and Tompkins hyenas to book at the despatch box.
      Tories, and their fellow Yoon Travellers voted to undermine the authority of the Scottish Parliament, party first, Scottish citizens who voted them in, a distant second.
      You gave them your trust, and they are hell bent on destroying you, your culture, your parliament, and your society.
      May the eternal damnation with which their particular belief system threatens them, take them all. May they rot in hell for killing by diktat.
      I could not find myself in a room with Blue Red Yellow Brit Nat Tory Yoons now.
      They disgust me.
      Dugdale swanning back into Holyrood doesn’t help either.

      This woman has no shame .

      We are on the brink of mass civil disobedience.
      I’ve stuck the stamps on my Christmas cards upside down, Well, it’s a start.
      Rebel, rebel!

    • Connor McEwan, the analogies on kittyjones and your caps shriek are not lost on this native Scots speaker.
      ‘Vote Labour’ is the dropline after the reader has wasted precious time ploughing through a pile of steaming and quite frankly very embarrassing self promotion crud.
      I wish you luck recruiting Momentum newbies on this site.
      No cigar.

  8. Just caught all the hoo ha about last night’s vote and ‘Defeat for May’ STOP PRESS! What a load of horse shit. Parliament has a say on the type of Brexit…

    Oh does it?

    No. No it really, REALLY doesn’t. The UK will accept the Brexit it is given and there are only two varieties – hard and not so hard. The UK, and yes I mean populations as well as governments, are not in control of Brexit. The EU are and indeed always have been. The arrogance on media display is breathtaking. Parliament decides… the type of brexit, on extensions to negotiations, on future trade relationships.

    For the hard of thinking policy wonks out there? One more time with feeling. Article fifty has been triggered and Brexit is happening as we speak (not concluded, but happening). At any stage, anything put to a vote of members can be kicked into touch by one unhappy member and that includes extensions of negotiations.

    The UK is the leaving member. The European Union is the body that is being left. Twenty seven member states – twenty seven economies – twenty seven governments and their populations. Home of the Hague, the ECJ and ECHR. It’s already taken HMG all this time to decide to acquiesce (with appalling grace) over everything said institution demanded from day one, but give it up they did because that is the reality of the situation then, now and tomorrow.

    Brexit will be what the EU decides it’s going to be and no one else. Parliament can hee and haw. They can argue and throw strops at one another. They can even continue to pretend to the general public about ‘deep and special relationships’, ‘strong and stable government’ (HAH!), ‘kinder, more honest, politics’ and ‘getting the best for Britain’. All the throw away sound bites from your fav party leaders. None of them will alter the economic and political reality. They could continue with all of that, but I wouldn’t advise it.

    The political class and their meeja screwed up big time and the majority of households the length and breadth of these islands are going to suffer the consequences for generations to come.

    Worth remembering though, the EU didn’t do this to the UK. The UK did it to itself.

    • You are 100% correct Sam. It is always thus, when you leave anything but want a wee bit for later.

      You were correct the other day when the media ignored the clause 158 debate that possibly screwed the devolved parliaments. Bastards.

    • It’s an absolute disgrace that this is happening. Scotland just has to get away from her association with the ‘union’.

      • These days it’s rarely pretty when you get a snapshot of how others view UK society Anne. Mainly because there isn’t a lot to be proud of. Isolationist, xenophobic and short sighted. These are people, human beings and there is a now empowered demographic in the UK making their lives a misery.

        What does that say to the rest of the world? Why would anyone want to come and live in the UK? Why would they want to visit, open trade, or even talk to ‘Brexit Britain’? Just because?

        Our politicians and that ill considered vote literally told the rest of the world to f**k off, but leave your money. Take the nationalities out of the equation. How would you react to someone telling you to sod off, but please do continue to give us your business and support?

        The sense of entitlement, close mindedness, faux superiority and outright naked insult is beyond embarrassing. It’s shamed and tainted us all on the world stage.

        Well done them.

  9. Since 1745 when Scotland lost it,s best/bravest we have never recovered,we are a land full of Scots that are not Scottish,their forefathers laid down their lives for the Empire,they commited untold atrocities throughout the world in the name of the crown/empire,servitude to crown/empire is scorched on their soul,they will never ever put their country first,they should remove themselves to England the country that their ain folk fought and died for where they would receive a warm welcome,are you kiddin.

  10. Just to add a wee afterthought here, for those who wish real reform to come to Westmonster: Scottish independence. The shock wave that would reverberate through English polity after losing their nearest colony would really wake up everybody down south and force them to fundamentally re-evaluate everything.

    A win-win all round, and more far more sure than anything that Chris Deerin could possibly come up with.

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