David Davis is a hero we don’t need

In this week’s example of setting the bar really low, Brexit Secretary David Davis has assured us all that leaving the EU won’t result in a Mad Max style dystopian Anglo-Saxon race to the bottom. That’s reassuring then. This was David’s Road to Brexit speech. We already knew that the road to Brexit was the Fury Road, it’s just that no one had expected they were going to be quite so literal about it. Although to be fair the signs were there from the beginning and we should have been forewarned. Nigel Farage does look suspiciously like a cleaned up Toe Cutter in a suit come to think about it. Davie has been criticised for likening Brexit to Mad Max, but screaming people who’ve lost every civilised thing they hold dear strapped helplessly into rusty wrecked vehicle with no brakes which is careening towards an explosive crash with a cliff face is a pretty good analogy for how the Brexit negotiations are going. However the vehicle does have “£350 million a week extra for the NHS” written on the side of it, so cheer up Remoaners.

Brexit has moved on from promises of an extra £350 a week for the NHS, freedom from faceless EU bureaucrats, and delivery into the sunlit uplands of taking back control, to assurances that starving peasants scavenging rusty car parts in the post-apocalyptic Brexit wasteland are not actually going to beat one another to death in the Thunderdome while Theresa May does an impression of Aunty Entity. The really scary thing here is that this is the most realistic thing about Brexit that David Davis has ever said, everyone knows that the monotone Theresa May has a crap singing voice. When they promised us a Brexit boom we didn’t think that they meant that big explosion which destroyed Aunty Entity’s petrol tankers.

Anyway, the British establishment was keen to tell us that Scottish independence would be cataclysmic for the entire world, so by comparision a British Mad Max doesn’t seem so bad. But the oil is running out, as they’ve been telling Scotland since the mid 1970s. So Brexit won’t be like Mad Max at all, because Mad Max still had some petrol. We shouldn’t worry too much anyway, as Davie had a distinctly Anglosaxon dystopia in mind, which possibly means that the Scots, the Welsh and the Northern Irish have bailed out and left the Brexiteers of Westminster to their own devices, devices which they have cunningly fashioned out of the sort of wreckage that you find in a scrap yard.

More likely Davie’s mention of Anglosaxons means that our Conservative masters have forgotten, again, that the non-Anglosaxon parts of the UK exist, which if you ask the Scottish government happens all the time. It’s not like the Tories have our interests at heart, even if they did have a heart to have our interests in. The real reason that the Conservatives made it so difficult for MSPs to get a look at the British government’s Brexit impact papers was because all they said was, “See that movie The Road? The one with the cannibals? Like that. But on the plus side we think that we can turn benefits claimants into a thriving meat export industry. So it’s not entirely bad.”

We don’t need another hero, but even if we did it sure as hell wouldn’t be the Brexit Secretary. His pronouncement this week is the worst example of expectation management since a plastic surgeon promised a patient that their face lift wasn’t going to leave them looking like Michael Jackson. When the Brexiteers promised us freebooting free trade deals we didn’t think they literally meant that we’d all have to become land-pirates. Jacob Rees Mogg is pretty pissed off about Davie’s remarks, as it means he got his nanny to bolt a flame thrower onto the Bentley for no reason.

Davie’s speech has opened up breaches within the ranks of the Brexiteers, as some of them were favouring other post-apocalyptic scenarios. Iain Duncan Smith had been hoping for more of a Hunger Games theme, which was after all his inspiration for the changes he made to the social security system, although he is prepared to concede that Immortan Joe proves that people with disabilities are fit for work. Michael Gove had his heart, or rather what passes for his heart, set on Waterworld as then the fact that he bears a striking resemblance to startled goldfish would be an evolutionary advantage. Meanwhile Boris Johnson had been holding out for a Lord of the Flies scenario, as he wants to be the king of a small and isolated island. On the other hand, in the Mad Max wasteland the disgraced former defence secretary Liam Fox is ideal for the role of Lord Hummungus, and that means he’d have to wear that full face mask so the rest of us wouldn’t have to see his smug grin ever again. So that’s a plus. It certainly puts a new spin on faceless bureaucrats.

This is the same week in which Boris Johnson reiterated his plan to build a bridge across the English Channel. Well I say ‘plan’, what I really mean is attention grabbing click bait headline. Boris is quite convinced that it’s possible to build a Channel Bridge out of recycled lorry parts, corroded shipping containers, and the bones of dead benefit claimants, but then he’s also convinced that he’s prime ministerial material.

Back in the real world, of course the UK won’t end up like Mad Max after Brexit. It’s silly to say so. We don’t have the climate for it. It will be more like Planet of the Apes, which you can already see a foretaste of on Duke Street in Glasgow during the marching season in June. Those are after all the people to whom the Scottish Conservatives are pitching their message.

Anyway, David Davis was correct about one thing in his speech. Brexit is not a race to the bottom. In a race you need competitors, and as far as Brexit is concerned, the UK is very much on its own. The British government can’t solve the problems that the UK is facing, they are the problem. David Davis and his colleagues are heroes that we certainly don’t need.


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0 thoughts on “David Davis is a hero we don’t need

  1. Pingback: “David Davis is a hero we don’t need” | Wee Ginger Dug | COMRADE BOYCIE: VIVA THE ANTI-tORY / BIG BROTHER REVOLUTION!

  2. I should write a comedy sketch and call it “Another day at the office with Dave” because that’s what he’s like in reality, a sit com character, Not a Barr’s Irn Bru. The MSM allow him to be like that due to their lack of intention to hold the likes of him to account. Watching him on TV, I can’t help but think, Is this who we’ve got representing us ? As usual, Davis Fox & Johnson get a free ride. Our First Minister can’t get a day in without being attacked sometimes even personally by these Main Stream Middens.

  3. Pingback: David Davis is a hero we don’t need | speymouth

  4. “Boris Johnson had been holding out for a Lord of the Flies scenario, as he wants to be the king of a small and isolated island”
    Spot on! Bullseye! You excel yourself, WGD 🙂

  5. Careening means removing barnacles from the hull of a ship. You mean careering.

    Howlers like this undermine your magisterial authority. Avoid.

    However, DD probably does need his nether end careened, so your slip is forgiven.

  6. Pretty damned hilarious, and with a heretofore-unexamined indication of a vast depth of trivia knowledge of the Mad Max films.

    Or you just looked up Imdb.com. 🙂

  7. Either we are mad, or David Mundell has lost all touch with reality.

    Either we are suicidal, or Ruth Davidson is out on a ledge somewhere looking down on the crowd far below scurrying like ants to get a better view of the impending splat.

    Either we are the most gullible people who ever graced this Earth, or the Darling Duds of May, Davis, Gove, Fox, and, Lord help us all, Johnson, are naïve enough to think that the EU 27 are bluffing when they set out the red lines, Customs Union, Single Market, Free Movement of EU citizens within Europe, and ECJ jurisdiction.

    Either we are nit picking when we say that Scotland demands to remain within the EU because that’s how we voted, or Treeza May is cherry picking in the confines of her own deluded bonce, describing Brexit as Brexit, but somehow there will be no hard border between the North and South of Ireland, there will be no tariffs, the EU will allow rUK to continue trading as normal, and that the Silver Sunbathers on the Costas, and UK workers in Europe, and EU workers in the UK will still carry on as normal, but no more movement after March 2020, but Boris declares that there will still be cheapo flights, stag dos in ancient European capitals, English lads will still fall in love with furriners and marry them, and the Brit Nats will struggle in vain to learn ancient European languages which are disappearing anyway because of their membership of the EU.

    Either we are deluded when we declare that Scotch whisky is Made In Scotland, or Liam Fox has lost it completely and is selling his immortal soul and pouring the Water of Life ,Scotland’s national drink down the Amazon and Ganges and will ‘allow’ Peru and India to call their distilled brew ‘Scotch’ if they’ll buy rUK’s Cumberland Sausages and Boddingtons beer.

    I gather that they are locking themselves away in Chequers at the week end and won’t emerge until they have worked out what the hell Brexit means.

    Let’s hope they don’t come back out for five or six years.
    They are completely insane.

    The Brexshit is about to hit the fan big time.

    Stand up, Scotland. Now is the time, now’s the hour.

    • Comprehensively you have pointed out the utter madness that is trying to drag us all to a nirvana that doesn’t exist.

      They will never agree to a position because there is no position that could give us what we already have…I feel like we are watching the end stages of the Tory party, but they have an amazing knack of reinventing themselves!!! Strong and Stable anyone? Lol

  8. I have said before that the only bridge BoJo should be interested in building is the one that connects himself to reality. After all, what an achievement that would be, A bridge of such length has never been built before.

  9. You go away for a couple of days and it all goes off.

    Anyroads. Have you clocked this Paul?

    http://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/politics/theresa-may-house-lords-numbers-plans-u-turn-debate-tories-peerages-a8220176.html

    Appears someone is stacking the constitutional deck and planning ahead.

    Onwards: This won’t raise any eyebrows, but it should leave you shaking your head.

    http://www.politics.co.uk/news/2018/02/20/dwp-goes-back-to-court-to-block-future-benefit-appeals

    This is pretty much what we’ve come to as a United Kingdom. Anyone supporting that REALLY needs to take a hard look in the mirror. Of course, not just that though. There’s also this wee sweety in today’s National.

    http://www.thenational.scot/news/16036085.Scottish_Tory_MPs_defy_Ruth_Davidson_to_demand_devastating_Hard_Brexit/

    Standing up for Scotland etc. Tories who would sell your futures and condemn you to the hardest of Brexits. They could care less if you existed. Call it what you will. I call it Conservatism personally. Actually, no. Nor is it simply British Nationalism. Though it’s all of that. No, its more culling the weak? Survival of the fittest? An act of self serving callousness.

    • Are those 62 Tory idiots for real Sam? Who would wish to damage their country economically? Answer ‘a Tory. No doubt the 62 will want May out next and Rees Hog put in her place. Only 48 needed for a leadership challenge.

    • That piece about the lords Sam tells us she is feart that her mini majority is not going to hold and she needs to bolster her position somehow to enable things to get through. Too scary for words, but then we all have seen that this Tory lot are on the cruel and callous side of the spectrum.

      • PM May has three major constitutional crises to deal with in rapid order. The EU, Northern Ireland and Scotland. I’d say she’s going to need and indeed looking to have, the second house on-side. This may have more relevance to the shelving of reform and the bolstering of numbers.

        What appears to look like a dead water period to most, is perhaps a more important period than they could possibly imagine in terms of behind the scenes decisions and manoeuvering by the political class.

  10. Well, it’s all bubbling up nicely, Sam, just as we discussed.

    David Mundell, the newly elevated Lord Ian Duncan, and Ruth Davidson have gone to ground.

    Through her BBC contacts, reportedly Sarah Smith’s husband works for the Halo Charity which is immersed in salary and expenses queries, ex BBC Davidson skedaddles off to Afghanistan to pose with land mine debris wearing a protective visor a la Diana Princess of Hearts.

    What a disgusting little self-publicist.

    Mundo the Mindless has taken to the hills on his mountain bike and is refusing all callers.

    Meanwhile the WM Scottish Affairs Select Committee now chaired by the SNP’s Pete Wishart meet in Kirkcaldy to hear from the people of Scotland , including those ‘who have come to work, live and contribute to our society, about the human impact that the UK Government’s Brexit chaos is having’.

    Surprise, surprise none of the Anglo Nat new intake of Tories David Duguid, John Lamont, Paul Masterton and Ross Thomson, and Labour’s Hugh Gaffney, Ged Killen and Danielle Rowley, and LibDem Christine Jardine bothered to turn up.

    I wonder what ‘other constituency and Westminster related issues’ were more important than gathering evidence on the Impact of Brexit on the lives of their constituents?

    David Duguid succeeded Eilidh Whiteford, the solitary member of the Scottish Affairs Committee during Indyref 1 who withdrew when Ian Davidson the then Chair allegedly threatened her with ‘a doing’ if she leaked the content of secret Committee meetings, leaving the Brit Nat Committee to lie big time in a series of SNP BAD Scotland Shite Project Fear Papers.

    He has voted by rote backing every Blue Tory English Establishment EU motion since.

    Lamont, Masterton, and Thomson are obedient little English Establishment poodles too.

    Perhaps the former postman, Hugh Gaffney was at home eating a Chinese Takeaway meal and catching up on his Burns now that he knows that the Bard wasn’t gay, perhaps Ged Cullen was making James Kelly’s tea in Rutherglen, and Danielle Rowley, daughter of the disgraced and displaced Alex, was having her nails done.

    What can we say about Christine Jardine, ex BBC journalist who was never off the telly in the barren in between years?
    She had more important Parliamentary Work elsewhere.

    They are puppets, three line whippersnappers, who are there to make up the numbers, quite literally. Some may call them cowards and accuse them of deserting their constituents in particular, the people of Scotland in general. Some may say that, I couldn’t possibly comment.
    T
    hey made themselves scarce because they have no answers to the vital questions. They have been elected to make up the numbers in the division lobbies.

    And now three Scottish Tory MPs from ‘ Ruth Davidson’s Party’ have joined with the extreme Brexiteers of ‘Jacob Rees-Mogg’s shadowy European Research Group to call for the hardest of Brexits’.

    In an ‘astonishing letter’ sent to Theresa May last Friday, and leaked to the press last night, 62 Tory MPs called on the Prime Minister to break her agreement with the EU over the transition period and to quit the customs union and single market.

    These include Colin Clark, MP for Gordon, Alister Jack, MP for Dumfries and Galloway, and Stephen Kerr, MP for Stirling.

    I hope the good citizens who voted for this trio of Rees Moggies are happy now.

    WTO deals with Texas for cheap hormone stuffed beef, and bleached chickes at knockdown prices,undercutting our own framers is what the good folk of Gordon, Stirling, and the Borders voted Blue Brexit Tory for. Aye, right.

    Come out, come out wherever you are, ye wee sleekit timerous (but straight)beasties.
    It is totally out of control now, Sam

  11. Loved this aside from the twitterstrorm centred on the Blue Tories accusing Corbyn of being a Commie spy and a traitor.
    ‘The Tories have betrayed this country ….. Tory cuts, 20,000 Army, 5,000 Navy, 2,000 Royal Marines, 5,000 RAF, 60,000 NHS, 22,000 Police, 730,000 Public Sector, 12,000 Firemen, 1 Banker.’
    We all know who the real ‘traitors’ are.
    Thank heavens the SNP Government helped keep down the NHS, Police, and Public Sector figures. I’m sure Murdo, Two Jobs Tomkins and that laughing red balloon Carlaw are grateful.
    Imagine if Ruth the Minesweeper had been in charge since 2007.
    We too could have had all those ‘efficiencies and savings’, that cut the deficit and rewarded the Rich Down There.
    Sam, it is out of control and coming their way.
    Mundo to quit soon? ‘Ill health’, ‘spend more time with his family’, ‘musical differences within the group’, ‘heading for the hills’?

  12. Well, given that the tories usually do the opposite to what they say, it looks like we really are headed for a Mad Max dystopian future. Fab. The Brexshitters will be off like a shot, with their newly bought snazzy, EU passports.

    Scotland, get the fck out! Even the fact Scotland has been completely denied a say in Brexshit, should mean that most of the people in Scotland want independence and very soon. I sincerely hope that is the case.

    Thanks for a great post Paul.

    Ps what are people going to do with their car regs? Many have the EU symbol and ‘GB’ on them. Oh dear!
    Some, though not many have ‘Sco’ on them though. 🙂

    • SCO stickers, the correct size shape and colour and complete with saltire, are easily obtained via the internet. I have enhanced both cars in my household.

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