Fantasy politics and potholes

Ugh. Not again. Can they not just print this speech off on something like one of those Tibetan prayer wheels? It comes round just as often and it would save us all the hassle of having to listen to it again. Yes, Labour in Scotland has dragged the Federalism Fairy out of her grave again. I’d say that they must be desperate, but that’s pretty much the base state with Labour in Scotland these days.

This time it was Labour’s Scottish branch office manager Ricardo Loofahscratcher who was making the promise of the abolition of the House of Lords and replacing it with a federal upper house in Westminster. That’s because Gordie Broon was off having his formaldehyde refilled and his pulled strings retightened. In his place Rembrant Lunchloser vomited up a word salad of federal, equality, socialist, redistribution, notice me notice oh please please god notice that we still exist. But these days even that former bastion of Labour fanboyery Reporting Scotland is just going through the motions, visiting Remington Lumpsqueezer upon us like you visit an embarrassing old relative who smells of cat pee.

As she was announcing the item, you could see the resignation in the BBC presenter’s eyes. Now go on, the eyes were saying, watch Renton Lacklustre on the tellybox, you know it makes him happy – my boss in BBC news management that is. Christ alone knows what makes Rowland Lagerspiller happy. It sure as hell isn’t his job. Royston Lubemilker gets embarrassed on a daily basis for the Labour party’s Scottish branch office you know. There he is, plodding away at the political coalface all day, telling everyone he’s going to be the next first minister, and no one can even remember his bloody name. I can’t even remember his name and I’m staring at an autocue. C’mon. Humour us. Do it for me, please. I didn’t ask for this. I’m just biding my time until I can get that gig on an afternoon game show. Afternoon game show presenters don’t have to deal with bloody cybernats telling you you’re biased every five minutes. It’s only for a couple of minutes for god’s sake, and then we’ll show you the fitba and tell you how bad the SNP are. OK?

The main point of the speech was purportedly to clear up Labour’s confused position on Brexit as we head into a General Election. As an exercise in futility it wasn’t lacking in pathos, like a small child trying to save its parents’ failing marriage, pleading with them about issues that were far beyond its ability to affect. Rowan Lardlover announced with all the confidence of a man on a mainline railway about to be smashed by a train that Labour would fight the election promising a new deal on Brexit, a better deal, and then the party would offer a referendum and would campaign to remain. That ought to clear everything up. At least I think that’s what he was promising. I can’t really be certain because I was paying him as much attention as the leadership of the Labour party in London does. Which is to say that I was contemplating whether there is any point in redecorating my living room before the post-Brexit apocalypse. This is a damn sight closer to clarity on Brexit than Labour ever manages.

A YouGov poll this week showed Labour in Scotland on less than 10% in the General Election which is coming soon. It was just a subsample so has a larger margin of error than full polls, but YouGov weights its Scottish subsamples correctly. The finding is further evidence to add to other polls which show that Labour is going to be lucky to hang on to the seats it regained in Scotland in the General Election in 2017. It will be goodbye to Paul Sweeney’s ego and its inverse proportionality to his usefulness, goodbye to Hugh the Gaffe Gaffney and his uncanny ability to see a mouth and put his foot in it, goodbye to wossername the Shadow Scottish Secretary of State who has less substance than an actual shadow, and goodbye to the other ones that even Rexford Lobbydosser would struggle to identify.

Still, at least none of them are Ross SNP Gain Thomson, who is in campaigning mode, hoping to keep his overwhelmingly remain voting seat by taking photos of potholes in his Conservative/Labour controlled local authority and posting them on social media. Ross is asking his constituents to contact him if they find a pothole that’s in need of filling, except for the obvious one where his brain ought to be. Anything, but anything, to act as a distraction from Ross’s gushing fanboy support of a Prime Minister who’s been found to be a liar by the highest court in Scotland, and who has been trashing democracy in pursuit of his career.

Ross chose to kick off his lemme fill in your pothole campaign by standing next to a potholed road where there was a very large red road sign saying ROAD CLOSED and a load of traffic cones. This is a clue to those of us with better observational skills than Ross that this potholed road is under repair and won’t be potholed much longer. The roadsign wasn’t even in Gaelic, so you think he might have noticed. But let’s not be unkind. Ross is quite right to be concerned about potholes, because he might fall into one and have nothing to grab onto to break his fall. He is so lacking in self-awareness that he never realised that the biggest issue in that particular street was him. Poor Ross, out of his depth in a pothole.

In any event, filling in potholes is not actually the responsibility of a Member of Parliament, but Ross is practising for after the election, when instead of going round the doors canvassing and taking photos of potholes for his Twitter account, he’ll be going round the doors asking people if they need their driveway asphalted. And to think that Ross was once touted as being destined for high office, although admittedly it was only ever Ross that was doing the touting.

It was pointed out to Ross by SNP MP Philipps Whitford that the entire UK is going to hell in a handcart – or at least it would be if it wasn’t stuck in a 30 mile long queue of lorries along the M20 in Kent – and that perhaps he might better spend his time doing something to protect Scotland from the disasters that his party is inflicting on us all instead of gawking at potholes. There’s a massive big pothole in the British constitution. Maybe Ross should fix that.

So that’s the state of the two largest UK parties in Scotland. Fantasy politics and potholes. Any confidence that Scotland might still have had in British politics died a little bit more this week – and not just just because of Lyin’ Bastert Johnson.

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46 thoughts on “Fantasy politics and potholes

  1. I’m genuinely saddened that Scottish Labour, which once believed in principles, causes and the rights of ordinary people not to be crushed by whatever Tory misgovernment was foisted on us, has been reduced to the bleatings of what seems to sound like a constipated sheep with a desperate need for Strepsils.
    That they have the unerring ability to elect leaders with increasing degrees of ineptidude baffles me.
    I’m in Keir Hardie Heartland – where a banana could have stood for Labour and got elected (well, we DID get George Foulkes). Now only a few greying cooncilors are left, bleating about the glory days to no-one in particular.

    • Richard Leonard is a shop steward who got the job through the Union block vote.
      They live in the cloth cap ‘everybody out’ world of the 1960’s. Labou,, the English version of ‘we’ll keep the red flag flying’ nonsense of the 1880’s is a joke.
      Sorry, just in from the rubadudbud., where I’ve spent a rather delicious 4 hours with some ordinary working class folk, who have never heard of Richard Leonard.

      I asked.
      He is a nobody.

      Brit Nat Unionist Labour is dead and buried in Scotland.
      Yet this lot are still trousering thousands Up Here , selling our country to the English oligarchy.

      Something’s got to give.

      • No, seriously, nobody knew who Richard Leonard was, in a pub, at the bottom of Kilbowie Road in Clydebank, 20 yards from he Town Hall where Clunking Fist, cheered on by Ruth Davidson, promised us the world if we voted NO.
        I predict a landslide.

        • Yes Jack, I find the same thing, naebody knows who he is. There was a picture of him in the National I think it was the ither day. He was sitting with John Mcdonnell. My son, who had come tae see his auld mammy, had a look at the picture, now he’s nae slouch politically. Who’s that there in the picture I asked, hivnae a scooby says he, so I told him who he was. Shrugged his shoulders.

          I find that a lot. Mr invisible, I reckon it’s bye, bye Labour in Scotland when election arrives.

          Thanks for cheering me up Paul after I felt so low the other day, Ricardo Loofahscratcher, brilliant. You seem to hae a wheen o’ names for nobody’s child. Oh the wee sowell. Ha ha.

    • I think I was duped all those years I voted labour, to think that all that time their top priority was to keep Scotland quiet and under control it being too wee too stupid and too poor to have a say in its future.
      To me labour are untrustworthy they will promise the earth and deliver crumbs.

      What were people thinking of when they voted for Ross Thomson ? did they know anything about him or were they just voting for the party ? would they have voted for a block of stone if it were the candidate

    • Hi affleckman, I feel for you .
      The thing is, I am 64 yrs of age and like you I used to think labour once had principles but you know what ? I think we were all tricked , I don’t think they ever had principles I think they only ever did enough for us to keep us in the Union Jack box .
      We are well shot of them

      • Yep you were tricked. Labour in Scotland were, and still are the worst because they promised a better future for the people of Scotland but never had any intention of delivering that. Well except for looking after themselves and the party.

    • The Labour Party I knew of as a kid bears no relation to what prevails today, but that might equally apply to all the established parties. There are still decent principled people on all sides working hard to improve the lives of the electorate, but they never make the headlines unless they screw up.
      The last vestige of Labour charisma and authority died with John Smith, now they all go to the same media training courses churning out clones like Corbyn. Intelligence and political skills do not make up for absence of charm, wit or ability to engage, Leotard’s wooden performances only serve as a cure for insomnia, which begs the question why he was chosen to lead.
      Labour’s greatest problem is it’s shameful legacy of corruption and mismanagement. eg – The GCC fiasco should have been condemned by Labour and stamped out at the start, instead a blind eye was turned. Instead of rescinding PFI they accelerated it’s deployment knowing the problems would land after they left office, and therein lies the problem of modern politics.
      Career ambitions and 5 year myopia have become the norm when what is desperately needed are modern day equivalents to the visionaries of the 40s and 50s.
      The corrupt practices of London have never reformed and never will, the myth of Labour antisemitism perfectly examples the corrupt games.
      Replacement is the only alternative when the machine is beyond repair, time for Scotland to reform on it’s own path.

    • We will tax the rich abolish the house if lords blah blah blah then they will steal old snp policys and claim them as there ideas labour like every other English political party can never be trusted on anything because taxing the rich is already done here in Scotland by our snp government.

  2. Potholes are the responsibility of the local council, hence the Conservative / Labour cartel who run Aberdeen. So presumably Ross is going to give them a kicking, rather than the SNP. Gawd, I almost mis-spelt that as licking. The image makes my head spin.

  3. There are days you wonder, is this the twilight zone, am I stuck in a weird fantasy novel. Then you read the WGD ,laugh ,smile and realise that it’s all real and that Independence is just a few sleeps away…..

        • Seems to be something stirring in Wales. And NI. It ain’t just Scots that think there is something weird going on in the extreme South East of our land. When I, briefly, lived in London I thought about joining the SNP London Branch (or it may have been the Caledonian Society or some such.. I know now, not the same thing at all.)

          Quite pleasantly astonished to note that you are a member of the most recent iteration. If you came here, you can be sure of a warm welcome!

          • douglasclark,

            Thanks for the invite. More info about my home country whenever you wish it incl. the latest poll which says that 41% are in favour of indy. Quite astonishing.

            btw, I’m a Member of said London Branch of SNP (and Plaid Cymru) WGD visited the former once and we had a sell-out audience. 🙂

            Dros Gymru / For Scotland.

      • Although in terms of this article “4000 holes in Blackburn Aberdeenshire” would almost fit.

        P.S. Having seen the YouGov Scottish sub-sample I can now say that Rupert Leotard now represents the 8.8%. Just not the one that he was originally aiming at.

  4. Yeah, saw the Ross Pot tweet and thought it was just begging for the hashtag #issueonyourstreet – could’ve had some real fun wi that.

  5. Pingback: Fantasy politics and potholes | speymouth

  6. Ricardo Loofahscratcher, or whatever else we want to call him, will piss the Scots right off with his highhanded undemocratic,Unionist attitude and accent alone. Why on earth should the Scots be influenced by some wee ignorant torag (plus wife) who comes from Yorkshire? He should in fact return to Yorkshire and sort out their bl**dy manifold problems, imo. Mair problems than the Scots will ever have .. suffer.

    In other words time for this wee man, a squirt, from England who stymied Equal Pay cases in Scotland to bu**er right off down to England now.

    • Let’s not go down the same path as the Tories in criticising his origins or accent or should go back to…. There are advantages to the man remaining in post.
      Leonard’s scripted delivery and false accentuation is excruciating, almost a reincarnation of Peter Seller’s Fred Kite, but with Labour’s legacy of shafting the Scots on behalf of the Party despite rock solid support for decades, would a less wooden character help the cause of independence? I suggest not.
      Residual stalwarts may appreciate Leonard’s robotic performance and Party line, but he inspires few of the young, and older generations are disinclined to forgive Labour for their multiple disgraces across Scotland.
      Carcrash may have better delivery than Leotard, but their common lack of empathy or personality is precisely why SNP etc need them in place for democratic contrast.
      The next GE will sweep in massive change, neither’s future is rosy…

      • Completely agree Bob. Ricardo Memorylapse’s accent and origins are totally irrelevant. He’s got as much right to be fully involved in Scotland’s politics as anyone else who lives here – which is to say every right indeed. Let’s criticise him for what he says and does, and not give any ammunition to those who are constantly only the search of some comment that can be spun into “anti-English racism”.

        • Yes, agreed, especially since there are plenty of execrable Labour politicians, who are Scottish born and bred, who outnumber him.

  7. I watched the end of last nights reporting Scotland to get the weather. My wife and I laughed when the summary of today’s news stated ‘Labour were trying to tell us what their policy is on……’

    Your analysis is spot on Paul.

  8. Great read Paul, thanks. Hard to believe anyone in their right mind would vote for a the total squirt that is R.Thompson.

    Dick Leoturd, ‘take Scottish water back into bublic (public) anns, (hands), is out of his depth, and will be out of a job very soon. He takes £100k+ from the public purse! Trougher.

    A con man, conning people into thinking Scottish water was privatised on SNPs watch, when it was during Labour’s watch at Holyrood that saw the non domestic arm of SW privatised and they had plans to privatise the domestic part as well.

    Labour = PFI debt for Scottish councils for the next 25 years, and there would be no new Forth road bridge had they had their way. People would be using rope bridges to cross the Forth if Labour had had their way!

    Labour should just change their name to conLab, or Labcon. Wolves in sheeps clothing, people see right through them in Scotland, thank god.

    Have a good weekend all, next week will be very interesting indeed!

  9. We should of course give ScotLab its more accurate title of ‘Labour Party in Scotland’ or ‘Labour PIS’ (pronounced ‘piss’). Likewise for the Tory and LibDem parties in Scotland.

  10. The Scottish tories are rumoured to be in secret discussions with the LibDems and planning how to stall the expected SNP advance at the GE. Wonder what cunning plan they will come up with? Desperate stuff. 🙂

    • Yet, the LibDems are rumoured also to be in secret discussions with Plaid Cymru in how to strengthen the Remain (in the EU) vote by not standing against each other in various constituencies in the forthcoming GE.

      Who/What the hell is one supposed to believe? – Only that the Fib Dumbs are notorious for their two-facedness (is that a word?)

      “The Liberal Democrats are “seriously in discussions” with Plaid Cymru to agree a pact at the next general election, Lib Dem leader Jo Swinson has said.”

      • Because the self-styled ‘Party of Wales’ stopped being a genuine nationalist party in the mid-80s when it fell into the hands of Dafydd Elis Thomas and the Marxist clique around him. The brief period in the late 90s when it reverted to what it was supposed to be – and gained its best-ever election results (1999) – was ended by that same clique defenestrating Dafydd Wigley and installing as leaders – to date – two successive charisma-free country solicitors, a valleys Red and a well-meaning but ineffectual intellectual, who is in thrall to the same ‘ideology first, nation second’ nonsense; this last leading to the sort of demeaning attempts at ‘reaching across the aisle’ to the colonialist parties which we saw in Brycheiniog & Maesyfed, along with the removal from the Party of anyone – such as Neil McEvoy AM, and the whole of the Party’s Llanelli branch – who refuses to follow the identity politics of what someone wonderfully called ‘Woko Haram’.

        There is now a genuine Nationalist/Sovereigntist party in EFC (England’s First Colony), which is aiming to fight the list seats in the next elections for our pretendy parliament. Of course, the wokists are going around calling it ‘alt-right’, ‘identitarian’ (oh, the irony!) and even ‘faaaaascist!’, but I would challenge any of them to read the party’s draft manifesto and point to exactly what there is in it which would remotely justify their smears:

    • Tactical voting Samar as they’ve done before , Labour will be in on it too ,the three of them Tory , Labour , Lib Dem all fighting to keep Scotland under the control of people like Boris Johnston David Cameron Nigel Farage who all think England is all that matters , to them Scotland Wales Ireland is expendable .

    • A Tory/Lib plot is entirely possible given Swinson’s known Tory inclinations and despise of SNP, and with all opposition set for a hiding in a GE, they will be desperate for any edge to avoid annihilation.
      Given SNP antipathy however, the Plaid dialogue makes little sense unless recent polling has them rattled… But as this originates from Swinson, I wouldn’t believe a word of it…

    • Given the rate at which the LibDems are acquiring disaffected Tory MPs then they, the LibDem MPs, may soon find themselves outnumbered in their own party.

  11. I just can’t get a picture of dinosaur extinction out of my head these days whenever I read the latest futile bleat from Rintin Limpet. You have to wonder just how much further south of 10% does support has to go before somebody in the Labour Party (Northern Accounting Unit) wakes up and stares right into the abyss.

    By then all the English union/Union money in the world won’t save them.

  12. Watched willie “gies yer vote” Wilson on beeb this morning trying to square blocking another independence vote whilst promising another brexit referendum if they won the uk vote.

    Gordon brewer couldn’t stop himself from laughing, pointing out that it’s one democracy for libdem voters and another for others, even if a majority in Scotland voted for parties promising an independence referendum on their manifesto.

    • Brewer’s back, and his usual Brit Nat journos still peddling the usual lies about Scotland and the European Union.
      The Spaniards will say No because we are just like Catalonia. Our GDP doesn’t meet the 3% GDP rules.
      We’d have to adopt the Euro.
      This from the lass from the Daily Mail who looked like she was trying desperately not to break wind live at Pathetic Quay.

      At one point, Brewer actually said to Mike Russell, ‘are you seriously saying that if Scotland became a member of the EU it could influence the Common Fisheries Policy?’
      The message being that we’d be too wee, Brewdog?
      He never gives up this lad, even when the AUOB tanks are parked in front of the BBC Ministry of Truth Stockade at Pathetic Quay.

      Duh, well yes, Brewdog, just ask ‘wee Ireland’ if it influences EU policy.

      That bastard son of Ma and Pa Broon was on giggling his head off in Sunny Bournemouth and was rightly laughed at for saying that if Scotland voted Pro Independence in the next plebiscite, that the Lib Dems would not allow Indyref 2.

      Rennie is a bumbling little fool, and Jo Swansong earlier sat with Marr announcing that when she is PM she will scrap Brexit.

      She thinks that the LIb Dems can go from 18 MPs to 300 plus in one fell swoop, and that she would not do a deal with Johnson or Corbyn.
      She was more even more swivel eyed than Priti Patel was earlier, and that takes some doing.

      Swansong is an arch right wing Blue Tory in Beige Tory clothing, who backs fracking, renewing Trident, voted for the £32 billion austerity cuts which killed 130,000 UK citizens since 2010, tuition fees, the bedroom tax, HS2, which will of course have a terminal at Bearsden and Milngavie, or maybe not, and like that giggling little buffoon Rennie, who has no idea what the ‘Democrat’ in Lib Dem means, she would not ‘allow’ her East Dunbartonshire constituents to have a second say on Independence, but rather, she will fight for the English Remainers, while of course ignoring the fact that her Scots members voted to remain in the EU in the first place.
      PM Swansong: tuition fees, prescription charges, tolls on Cole Hamilton Bridge, mmm.
      WE voted Remain.
      Jo Swansong, who will be turfed out on her tortured vowelled neck at the next UK GE. is a Right Wing Blue Tory.

      Good old BBC Scotland, going down with the Brit Nat ship; true blue loyalists to the bitter, and it shall be bitter, end.

      • Strewth, just sat through Marr’s show which featured Swansong in the finale, and despite amusement at the varying accents, when she referred to ambition….for the Party…..for the country.., I almost drowned the laptop with part swallowed coffee at her “…Liberal Democrat majority Government”, but the punchline “and me as the Prime Minister” had me roaring in laughter, much to the bemusement of the stray cat who probably has greater chance even as a romanian male feline.
        Yet what struck home was the unfazed continuity (come what may) on display, precisely the same as the trainers had instilled in the prior interviewee Pritti Patel, and to a lesser degree of success, Doris Johnson.
        When your electoral choice is reduced to which liar is least obvious, it is a game-show, not a democracy…

  13. Generally, I eschew ad hominem attacks – but, only generally, because some figures have to be ridiculed and to make people laugh at them because they seem unaware of their ridiculousness. During the 2014 campaign you successfully attached the appellation ‘Magrit’ to our Shadow Secretary of State – she lost her seat and is occasionally brought on to BBC Scotland to condemn SNP policies. I am told that she is involved in supporting the politicisation of Arab women in the Middle East – by ‘support’, I think is meant accept the primacy of the state of Israel, Compared to Rusted Leotard, she is a titan amongst weasels.

  14. Unintentionally I’m certain, David Cameron reveals in his memoirs why 1/5th of Scotland has been reduced to moorland.
    To stock the larder at Balmoral.

    He reveals that when he was at Balmoral in 2014, visiting Liz an Phil, that the poll showing YES in the lead sent Palace of Versailles panic throughout the castle, as Prince Phillip showed off the BBQ which he had designed to grill grouse and sausages.
    The queen was concerned, as was, wait for it, The Moderator of the Church of Scotland.

    And here was me thinking that Knox’s version of Reformation was against the ‘Lord’s and Cardinals’ of Papal Rome.
    I’d love to get the Christian Churches’ views on Scotland’s Self Determination.

    Cameron’s version seems to suggest, and ,boy, are the Brit Nat Dead Tree Scrolls backing this up today, that the Kirk was Unionist, although low key, just like Auld Lizzie Windsor.
    I wonder if the Moderator had to bow his head and walk backwards when leaving his Queen’s presence?

    The Scotia Branch of the English Establishment dining on grouse in a castle.
    Says it all for me.

    One of the first items on the Independence To Do list.
    Ban blood sports and take the vast estates back into public ownership.

  15. The PM makes reference to the fact that,

    “The madder Hulk gets, the stronger Hulk gets.”

    Is one to give the PM the benefit of the doubt (he was after all born in New York, just like some other populist buffoon of a Leader of the ‘Anglosphere’) and assume he’s using this in the American sense? That is, mad = angry.

    Or being the PM of the dysfunctional Yookay, he means it in the Hamletian sense – i.e. a couple of wasps short of a picnic?

    I go by the latter:

    “Madness in great ones must not unwatched go.”
    Act 3 Scene 1 , l. 89


    “For to define true madness,
    What is’t but to be nothing else but mad?”
    Act 2, Scene 2, l. 93

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