The Scottish Tory Wheel of Disfortune

The Scottish Tories are thinking about a replacement for Ruth Ran Away Before Her Party Got Skelped Davidson. Sadly for the Scottish Tories, they’re reduced to fishing for a new leader in a gene pool that’s not so much a pool as it is a damp patch of mould on an abandoned mattress. According to a report in The Times newspaper, that voice of all things Conservative, three new names have thrown their very small hats into the contenders’ ring. These are the MSPs Jamie Greene, Brian Whittle and Michelle Ballantyne, alternatively known the Scottish public as Who? Eh who? and Huvnae a clue. This lot are struggling in the lower ranks of nonentitidom to such an extent that even Labour’s branch office manager Reinhold Lowloader is basking in public adoration by comparison.

Even Annie Wells has a higher public profile than any of these three. Admittedly that’s only because she’s a bit of an embarrassment, but you’d imagine that the Scottish Tories need all the help that they can get. No publicity is bad publicity and all that. At least some people have heard of Annie. Only because they’re scoffing and saying, “No! Did she really just say that. My God.” But still.

It’s almost enough to make you feel sorry for Jackson Carlaw. Imagine going home in the evening after work with the knowledge that your colleagues think you’re so useless that they’d rather replace you with Jamie Greene. That’s some deep and dark existential horror of the very soul that is. Mind you, the Ardrossan and Saltcoats Herald hailed Jamie as the rising star of the Tory party, but this is not a publication noted for its expertise in astronomy. If you look a tad more carefully you’ll see that it’s not a rising star at all, it’s really a visitor from a distant galaxy that’s about to plunge into the sun.

Jamie’s most notable contribution to Scottish politics to date has been a display of confusion on the concept of how time works. Jamie’s the Father Dougal of time travel.  Last year he took to Twitter to take the Scottish government to task for its record on the economy, and as proof cited predictions for growth figures for the next five years. Fun fact: Jamie drives a DeLorean powered by plutonium. This has the advantage of being less poisonous than the party he represents in Holyrood.

Then there’s Brian. Ah Brian. Brian has won gold medals at the European Athletics Championships for running really fast. And true to form he runs his mouth off just as fast too. Brian’s sole breakthrough into public consciousness came when he denied that the rape clause existed. Perhaps it was just a figment of our collective imaginations that his bosses at Westminster introduced a rule depriving women from collecting benefits for more than two children unless they could prove that the third child was a product of rape. An entire country wished that Brian would run away from public life just as fast as he did during the 4 x 400 metres relay in 1994. Brian also thinks foodbanks are brilliant. He doesn’t think that the rape clause exists, and he doesn’t think that the statistics which prove a rise in the use of foodbanks since the Tories introduced Universal Credit exist either. If you see a small speck of dust on the distant horizon, that’ll be Brian running away from reality.

Michelle is best known, in fact she’s known for nothing else, as being the main cheerleader for Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson in the Scottish Parliament. This apparently plays well with the refugees from the Home Counties who make up a significant percentage of the electoral roll in her constituency, but goes down with the rest of Scotland like a bucket of vomited up Buckie at a parent teacher evening in Coatbridge. Her fate as putative leader of the Scottish Tories will be closely tied to that of the object of her adoration in Westminster. Since in the short time he has been in office he’s lost all seven parliamentary votes he’s had, blown up his majority, trashed the constitution, broken the law, lied during his keynote party conference speech, and is currently trying to negotiate a deal which the EU says is a non-starter, this does not bode well for Michelle.

Other names which have been suggested as potential candidates include Murdo Fraser. Murdo was unsuccessful last time round, but that just gave him plenty more time to regale the nation with his wit and wisdom on Twitter, in the process unwittingly and unwisely introducing the country to the new catchphrase, “There’s been a Murdo.”

Then there’s the current health spokesSNPbadder Miles Briggs. Miles has been tasked with trying to persuade Scotland that the Conservative management of the NHS in England is better than the Scottish Government’s management of NHS Scotland. That’s like trying to prove that a headcold is worse than a brain tumour. Miles is making a bid for the leadership by claiming that the party has no chance at all of getting anywhere in 2021, which is exactly the kind of positivity guaranteed to endear him to party members. But we know he’s got at least one supporter. That would be George McIntyre, a party member he went out canvassing with last year, after George had been banned from the party for making racist comments online. But hey, it’s only the SNP that has a problem with online abuse isn’t it Miles.

And last and very much least there’s Liam Kerr. There’s absolutely nothing you can say about Liam that is remotely interesting. So let’s not bother.

Alternatively the Scottish Tories could go for a bold move, something that would really grab the headlines and ensure that the party was led by the Scottish media’s new saviour of the union. Expecting a bold vision from the Scottish Tories is rather like turning on Love Island and expecting to see an explanation of particle physics. Or indeed evidence of a vague awareness that Narnia isn’t a real country, it is actually the constituency that Ross Thomson thinks he is representing. But these are desperate times for the Scottish Conservatives, and desperate times demand desperate measures. They should ask Jo Swinson to be their leader. She’s always been a Tory in all but name, and she’d rather risk a no-deal Brexit than see Jeremy Corbyn installed in Number 10, even as a caretaker Prime Minister. That’s also Tory policy, so they’re already most of the way there. It’s either that or the Wheel of Disfortune of Nonentities.

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28 thoughts on “The Scottish Tory Wheel of Disfortune

  1. Pingback: The Scottish Tory Wheel of Disfortune | speymouth

  2. Happy they are having a problem.

    Mind you in a GE London will be in control. I only hope opinion polls are correct and they loose all WM seats. Minus 13 sound good.

  3. I have a wee sneaky feeling that as part of the ‘Un-Devolution’ of Scotland currently underway by the Blue Red and Beige Tories, B-Lister Jack, The Lord High |Commissioner of the Northern Territory, will appoint himself as the Leader of the Branch Office.
    Lovely eviscerating piece, Paul
    Can anyone imagine Miles Briggs as FM?
    Or any other Brit Nat Better Together Hanger On for that matter?
    The only solution for Imperial England is to ‘take back control’ of Scotland, probably on the 1st of November.

    After all, HM Armed Forces and the Polis have been trained up to crack a few skulls, apparently, according Operation Kingfisher, or Swallowtail, or whatever.

  4. Did anyone else notice at FM Questions today , sitting behind Jackdaw Carlot as Nicola tore him a new one , was the once-and-future -FM ,Ruth Davidson with a face on her like a well-skelpt arse !
    It made one nostalgic for the days when the Scottish Tories had a leader who had a mind of her own , even if it could only encompass one thought ( ”The people of Scotland don’t want another …eh …photo opportunity ? … or something or other ..” )
    Today’s leadership candidates look like an alternative version of the Bash Street kids , rejected for their complete and utter stupidity , which no one would accept , even in a comic-strip !

  5. Don’t forget Paul that Michelle Ballantyne wants to penalise / deter the poor for having children and promote the rich to do so. It smacks in a way of Dominic Cumming’s Nazi eugenics ideology. Michelle spoke out. Opened her loud mouth and let her big belly rumble. One wonders, however, how many Tories around the country actually agree with her (Cumming’s) way of thinking?

    With video.

    PS. What’s happened to Adam Tomkins? The only Scottish Tory MP who clearly has an IQ of over 80, imo. Has he been smart enough to see the writing on the wall like Ruth, I don’t want the English to see that I’m actually an abject loser, Davidson, or will he come out of the woodwork eventually and fulfil Westminster’s long term plan for him?

    Four years out of date but still offers a great deal of insight:-

    • aye Ballantyne who has SIX children and claimed benefits for all of them. Because she needed the money as her earnings were low at the time.

      • Yep, Panda Paws, £200 a week or so, tax free, then calls for the support for more than TWO to stop as the COUNTRY can’t afford all those children.
        Doris has worked out we need 40 new englandland hospitals, perhaps he’s worried that since the contraceptive pill is in short supply he’s going to need more maternity units.
        Now there’s irony and tory lack of irony, brass necks and entitlement.

  6. A good summary of the contenders, but in being shackled to the nastiest hierarchy in Tory history, all but list MSP coats are on shoogly pegs.
    Johnson may yet prove to be poisoning Tory electoral chances down south despite all the hype, and as Davidson realised for Scotland, Johnson and his merry band of grotesques are generally reviled, hence her tactical withdrawal to re-emerge later.
    Which ever of these nonentities becomes leader of the Scottish contingent, they have to face the exact same dilemma, looks good on the CV versus political suicide..

  7. I enjoy ripping into Liam Kerr on Facebook every time he says something exquisitely stupid.
    For instance, two days ago he was having a rant about an SNP Councillor that had said “he would send the English Tory back to where he came from, tae think again”
    Apparently this is disgusting racist language and that said councillor should be hung, drawn and quartered yada yada.
    I merely felt compelled to point out that he must use a considerable amount of Brasso for his neck for he was saying this on the same day that Priti Patel was making her lovely speech to the Conference delegates about sending everyone else home.

    All in all, he is just a non-entity but for some reason, he just won’t block me so I have to continue seeing his mundane garbage.

    I’ve never liked anything he’s said either so why I see it is beyond me!

  8. Neatly done Paul.

    Deluded or dishonest? More often both. It’s a hard call where Tories are concerned.

    All people need do is look to the leadership of their party. (And I do mean their true leadership, not the branch office wannabees.) A PM in search of his so-called ‘Churchill moment’ (Oh, FFS!).

  9. That gave me a laugh, Paul. Thank you! Ee need humour in these desperate times. Give Ginger a wee clap for me!

  10. More children is a good thing
    There is never a bad new baby born on this planet
    A lot can happen in nine months
    Child benefit is now only paid to those with an income under £66 thousand a year
    Well actually you can still claim child benefit f you are over that threshold but the amount you get will be taken back from you as extra tax.

  11. In fairness to Ruth, i thought she gave up because unlike generations of mothers she couldn’t do the day job and raise a bairn at the same time.

    • That’s what happens when barely more than a third of the electorate bother to vote in council elections. Sometimes I think compulsory voting would be a great idea. Aberdeen has quite a lot areas where lots of people are very affluent,money often means Tory voter unfortunately.

  12. Johnston says that he will send a letter to the EU asking for an extension, as he adamantly insists, in conjunction with that, that we will definitely be leaving on the 31st October. Why would that be? Has Johnston managed to get Hungary to veto his EU extension?

    ..”Footage has emerged of Hungarian Foreign Minister Peter Szijjarto and Ambassador Kristof Szalay-Bobrovniczk leaving the Cabinet Office on Friday morning. The video was reportedly taken at the same time as Boris Johnson held an “emergency” Cabinet meeting. The footage has since sparked speculation of Hungary vetoing a Brexit extension request.”…

    • If this is the case then I have the feeling that Hungary may be the next country to leave the EU and its departure wont be voluntary. I think the EU is already in the process of applying sanctions to Hungary because of it’s less than democratic approach to certain institutions such as the judiciary and a free press

      EU parliament votes to punish Hungary over ‘breaches’ of core values –

      Bojo is copying Trump by asking a foreign power to intervene/interfere in our domestic politics/affairs. Think Trump and Ukraine and Trump and China re Joe Biden and his son.

      • Whilst agreed that Orban and his antics have been condemned and penalised, he is not stupid enough to commit financial suicide as a third country with an expected recession on it’s way. He is having enough problems with his neighbours as it is.
        Such a move would certainly fit US/Trump strategy to destabilise the EU with Brexit and a trade war commenced, but the Cabinet Office meeting could as easily have been staged or piggy-backed for propaganda purposes, the old divide and conquer routine in all it’s glory.
        Johnson’s contradictory statements in public and in Court were intended to increase speculation, but since Hungary recently confirmed it would not veto an extension, this story looks implausible.

        • The mere fact it has been considered, and reported albeit in the Dailt Telegraph, is significant and indicative of how skewed the situation is now.

        • No argument there at all Legerwood, indeed it was a mechanism Maughan surmised may reconcile Johnson’s contradictory statements,
          But when I see “footage has emerged” and “EU sources have said” emerging from the same people who harrumphed over straight bananas, my extreme scepticism kicks in.
          Brexit has been a dirty game played with a compliant press by a rich elite on a misinformed electorate, and right now they’ve got the jitters over the Benn Act. Were an arrangement really being concluded (or a bung), you may rest assured it would not have been conducted at the Cabinet Office, and there would be not a word of it in the press. 😉
          Smoke and mirrors, with a charlatan as a front man…

          • I agree but just the very fact it has been punted however seriously or not speaks volumes about those ‘in charge’ and none of it to their credit.

    • How about this scenario: Boris applies to the EU for an extension, as he is obliged to do by law. The EU grants the extension, as expected. Boris then says ‘Ta much, but we’re not going to use it.’ He goes ahead and takes us out of the EU at Halloween. Is there anything in the legislation that says that if we are granted an extension, that we have to use it? My nightmare is that LBJ has found a way to get an extension and still take us out of the EU on 31 October.

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