It’s about this time of the festive season that someone pops up to complain that we really need to remember that it’s all about Christ. There’s no need for that this year, as it’s patently obvious that the UK is all about making us say “Oh. Christ.” According to rumours, Nigel Farage is getting a knighthood in the New Years honours list for his services to politics. This is merely the latest incident in the rapidly lengthening list of things about the UK that make you want to hit your head off a brick wall in the vain hope that you can either wake up and discover it was all a dystopian nightmare brought on by a surfeit of gammon, or at least put yourself into a coma that with a bit of luck will last until the multicoloured shittiness of it all has gone away. Mind you the expression arise Sir Nigel is quite correct, but only if you omit the i in arise.
No, seriously. This is a thing that’s happening here and now in this state that fancies itself as the mother of democracy. Sir Nigel Farage. The Nigel Farage who is what you’d get if Sir John Falstaff had a love child with Leni Reifenstahl. That Nigel Farage. We’re a bawhair and a face like a scrotum away from Dame Katie Hopkins. Next up, Harold Shipman is getting a posthumous OBE for his services to medicine, and Gary Glitter is getting made a peer for his services to 1970s episodes of Top of the Pops. The dug’s arse is more deserving of a knighthood than Nigel Farage. At least what comes out of it promotes growth. There are dog turds slowly decaying in the long grass in the park that are more deserving of a knighthood than Nigel bloody Farage, they’ve never spread crap inside our homes. If you were harbouring any illusions that the UK is a place in which Scotland can sit comfortably, you can be disabused by seven simple words, “Prime Minister Boris Johnson”, followed by “Sir Nigel Farage”. This is what we’re better together with, allegedly.
When Farage announced in the weeks before the General Election that he was going to stand down Brexit Party candidates in seats held by the Conservatives, it pretty much ended any serious chance of a hung parliament. The move provided a huge boost to the Tories and virtually guaranteed the nightmare that we now face – Boris Johnson sitting in the House of Commons with an unassailable majority because it ensured that in Conservative held seats the Brexit vote would not be split between the Tories and the Brexit party. It was fiercely denied at the time, and is still being denied, that there was anything in it for Nige personally in making a move that undercut his own party and all those mugs, sorry potential candidates, who had paid him cash money in order to have the chance of standing as a Brexit party candidate in the election. And now we’re discussing the possibility of arse Sir Nigel. And that’s not a typo.
Totally coincidentally, of course. No connection between those two things at all. Oh no. It’s as totally coincidental as Rangers entering into a partnership with Orange County Soccer Club in California, whose email inbox is now full of angry messages about sectarianism that have the Americans utterly perplexed.
The British establishment is rewarding a man who shamelessly scaremongered about immigration. During the EU referendum campaign it was Nigel Farage who unveiled that disgusting poster showing a long line of Syrian refugees, implying that EU membership would mean hordes of Muslims descending upon the UK. He did so despite knowing that the UK was never a part of the EU’s common asylum policy.
The British establishment is rewarding a man who claimed that opposition to his vile politics in Scotland was based upon anti-English racism and not upon the fact that Scotland rejects his politics of exclusion, of xenophobia, and British nostalgia for Empire. For a man who is very eager to stir up racist hatred against foreigners, against Muslims, against asylum seekers, he’s even quicker to play the racism card and play the victim. There is no greater victim than the middle class white English conservative whose entitlement is threatened.
The British establishment is rewarding a man whose lies about the EU are second only to Boris Johnsons in their pernicious effects upon the British body politic. He’s misrepresented the proposals for a common EU defence force, something which the UK could never have been compelled to participate in. He’s misrepresented the role of EU commissioners. He’s sat as an MEP and never bothered his arse to use any of the power or influence that elected position gave him to try to make any changes to the operation of the EU. Instead he used it as an opportunity to grandstand and to spread his deceit even further.
The British establishment is rewarding a man who up until the EU vote in 2016 was telling one and all that the UK could be just like Norway. And now he’s saying that even Boris Johnson’s deal isn’t a hard enough Brexit and will only be satisfied with the UK leaving the EU with no deal at all. He’s wrested the centre ground of British politics so far to the right that dog-whistle racism, xenophobia, lying, and refusing to be held to account are considered perfectly normal. The centre ground has shifted so far to the right that Stephen Yaxley-Lennon – or to use the name he’s more commonly associated with, Tommy Fucking Feart of a Milkshake Robinson – wants to join the Tories. The centre ground of British politics has shifted so far to the right that the Conservative candidate for Lanarkshire was quite comfortable appealing to sectarianism in an attempt to gain a few votes. This is the legacy of Nigel Farage. Ar(i)se Sir Nigel, and smirk upon the havoc and destruction that you have wrought.
The British establishment is rewarding a man who was bigged up by the BBC at each and every opportunity. He’s as much a media creation as Ruth Davidson, foisted upon our TV screens by producers who think of politics as a species of light entertainment and not as a series of decisions that directly affect our lives, our opportunities, our futures. There is a special place in hell for the production team of BBC Question Time. For all eternity they will be forced to listen to the spittle flecked rants of Derek from Northamptonshire about how his grandfather fought Nazis in the war, and all so that Derek could be a racist today.
The UK honours system is hopelessly corrupt. It’s used by politicians as a means of giving favours and extending patronage. It’s used to reward donors, and to ensure that politicians who have been kicked out by the voters can continue to enjoy the privileges of political careers and influence. Awarding an honour to a man who has destroyed the UK’s international reputation shortly after he did a favour to the ruling party simply confirms the perception that the UK is as corrupt and dysfunctional as any middle eastern potentate.
And so as we reach the end of 2019, we reach a new low in the moral bankruptcy of the UK. This is a state which rewards the likes of Nigel Farage, while denying that democratic will of the people of Scotland. It’s a reward for the Messiah of Gammon, the knight of Little England. The real tragedy here is that with a large majority in the Commons for Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson, the liar’s liar, the UK’s descent into moral and intellectual bankruptcy has only just begun. Next year we’re going to see consistent majorities in opinion polls for Scottish independence. The UK cannot be reformed, it can only be escaped from. Merry chuffin’ Christmas. Merry Oh Christ must we. Well, no. We don’t. Scotland is leaving.
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