I dislike Boris Johnson intensely. I think he’s a thoroughly contemptible human being. He’s a liar, a charlatan, a fraud, and a smirking entitled buffoon who is nowhere near as clever as he thinks he is. But I don’t wish death on him. Humiliation and political ruin, sure, but you’d have to be even more immoral than Boris Johnson to wish a slow agonising death from coronavirus on a person. If we seek to condemn him and his like, we need to be better human beings than they are. Admittedly this isn’t difficult, as they have set the bar extremely low. There are gall wasps which inject a paralysing poison into the bodies of caterpillars and then lay their eggs on their victims condemning them to a slow agonising death being slowly eaten alive by the wasp’s grubs – which carefully eat their way around the caterpillar’s vital organs to keep it alive and its flesh fresh. These wasps have a more nuanced and highly developed sense of morality than Priti Patel or Michael Gove, and are a hell of a lot more fun at parties. Remember when we could have parties? Sigh …
The wasps are infinitely less hypocritical than the Conservative commentator Julia Hartley Brewer who tweeted her disgust at those who were happy about the possibility of Boris Johnson dying, reminding them that he’s more than just a political leader, he’s a father (albeit of an uncertain amount of children), and has family who love him. That didn’t stop her exulting in glee when Fidel Castro died though. Fidel Castro was also more than just a political leader. He was also a father, who actually admitted to how many children he had, and he had family who loved him. Don’t be like Julia. She’s what you get when Katie Hopkins shops in Waitrose.
I’m not going to be like Julia. Boris Johnson is currently in intensive care. Anyone who is in intensive care right now is seriously, properly, ill. They deserve nothing but our good will and the hope that they make it though this dreadful trial. There but for the grace of the major and minor gods go any one of us. So I’d just like to say that I wish Boris Johnson a speedy return to full health. I’d like him to recover, so that he can be held accountable for the screw up that he and his administration have made of handling the epidemic. I want Boris Johnson to recover to full health so that for the rest of his life the rest of us can say “So how did that taking it on the chin work out for you? Hurt like buggery, didn’t it.” I hope that Boris Johnson makes a full and rapid recovery so that for the rest of his life we can remind him that karma is spelled H.E.R.D.I.M.M.U.N.I.T.Y. I want Boris Johnson to get better soon so that we can remind him that when he mouths platitudes like “we’re all in this together”, that means him too. And most of all, I’d like him to recover so that he can gaze upon the consequences of his handiwork when Scotland becomes an independent nation. Because revenge is a dish best served with a Scottish passport which promises freedom of movement throughout Europe.
In Scottish news, Ian Murray has been appointed as the new Shadow Scotland Secretary by the new Labour leader Keith Stormdrain. It was a difficult decision for Keifer Strummer, and we must congratulate Ian for winning through in such in a tightly contested race with a field full of such worthy competitors as … checks notes … Oh …
Together with Jackie Bailey’s election as the deputy branch office manager in Scotland over the weekend, this represents a resounding victory for the kamikaze faction of the Labour party in Scotland. The way for the Labour party to win its way back into the good books of the voting public in Scotland is to scream at the voting public that they’re fools and to keep doing what it’s been doing for the past decade. Only now they plan to do it more loudly and with the greater pomposity and sense of self-importance that only Ian and Jackie can provide. Even the British press in Scotland is finding it difficult to convince itself that this pair are their new Saviours of the Union™, and that’s a bunch who are so desperate that they managed to believe in Jeau Sweynseun.
With Ian in charge the Labour party branch office in Scotland can get back to the basics, being tough on Scottishness and tough on the causes of Scottishness. Labour’s position on Scotland has never been clearer, Ian tells us. It’s the exact same as the Tories. That position would be that it doesn’t matter what Scotland votes for, the electorate of Scotland needs the British state to protect it from the consequences of its own decisions.
Ian believes that as the sole Labour MP to remain in Scotland, he is uniquely placed to understand what the party needs to do in order to become electable. In Ian’s case that meant appealing to douce Conservative voters in the leafier suburbs of Edinburgh. So presumably the way to electoral recovery for the Labour party in Scotland is to out-Tory the Tories. That’ll work. Ian is dead set against Labour consenting to another Scottish independence referendum. Since this is a man who once posed cheerfully in a Union Jack suit, that comes as no surprise.
Instead, we’re promsed a “Labour option”. Apparently this means a constitutional convention that no one in England is interested in. And that’s the nub of Labour’s problem. By conceding that the UK is in need of fundamental reform if it is to meet the needs of Scotland, they are implicitly conceding the case for independence. They are admitting that the UK is in need of far reaching deep seated reform, reform which the British establishment has always shown itself to be extremely good at avoiding. Reform which the Labour party has always shown itself to be extremely good at avoiding too.
However the problem for the Labour party in Scotland is compounded because Labour is also telling us that the constitutional reform that Scotland so badly needs can only come about with the consent of the rest of a UK which has no particular interest in altering a situation that already works pretty well for it. Voters in England are already resentful of what they perceive to be Scotland’s special treatment. They have no appetite at all for surrendering power and influence within the UK in order to placate Scotland. Labour has been mouthing platitudes about Home Rule for Scotland for over 100 years. But never mind, as Ian tells us himself, “The important thing is to do what’s in the right interests of the Labour party.” Yes Ian, we know where your priorities lie.
Boris Johnson might be in intensive care, but for the Labour party in Scotland it’s already too late. It’s en route to the graveyard. Ian wants to tell us that his Labour party rejects independence and rejects an independence referendum, but it’s a moot point. Scotland has already rejected Ian’s party. Scotland’s position on the Labour party has never been clearer.
And finally, because we could all do with some cheering up during these difficult times…
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