The Governor General of the North British Colony addresses the natives

In an interview for Borders Television, in special episode of See It’s Me Street brought to you by the letters F and U, the Governor General of the North British Colonies Alister Jack addressed the natives. All through this crisis we northern barbarians have been deprived of the wisdom of the Great Tousled Haired One, the White-Elephant of the nation, and have longed for instructions from his pith helmeted representative in these benighted lands. Well, we mutht thuppothe that it’th called pith. Or at least, that’s how Jackie Boy looks at it. In his fond imagination, there’s an entire country full of loyal North Britons who hang onto his every word as though we were estate workers incapable of any action without orders from our green wellied laird.

Jack used his address to his subjects to insist that the village elders of Holyrood must not get above themselves and dare think about either lifting coronavirus restrictions or keeping them in place until such time as the British government does likewise in the rest of the UK. Because it would be wrong and separatist for rebellious Caledonian tribespeople to make decisions that are in their own best interests. What’s in the best interests of the natives is what the Colonial Office tells the natives to do. Anything else is just not civilised and would be a symptom of unBritishness that will not be tolerated. It would make Michael Gove come over all slimy. Or at least slimier than usual. It would make that vein on Dominic Raab’s forehead throb more obviously than usual. It would make Priti Patel smirk, and you won’t like that at all. Oh no. Any deviation from the incompetence, malign neglect, and herd-immunity-oh-no-that’s-never-what-we-had-in-mind-at-all of the British state will not be tolerated.

The man who is supposed to be representing Scotland at the highest level of the British government has been silent so far during this crisis. And for that small mercy we should be grateful. We’ve enjoyed several weeks of not being patronised, spoken down to, and ordered about by a clueless rich idiot who only enjoys his lofty position because he allows other rich and well connected Tories to use his estates for holidays. It is a measure of his utter uselessness that even David Mundell had a higher public profile, and David Mundell’s public profile would struggle to get over a roadside kerb.

When Scotland’s care homes were being told that they were not allowed to order vital PPE from suppliers in England on the orders of Public Health England, where was Alister? When Scotland’s self-employed were worried about the catastrophic loss of their incomes, where was Alister? When Scottish workers were terrified that they might not be able to pay their rent or their mortgages, where was Alister? At no time during this crisis has Alister Jack ever spoken up to defend ordinary people in Scotland and to fight for their corner within this British state that he’s always telling us that we need. Not one single word. Not one single syllable.

The British state does what is in the best interests of the British establishment and if that means Scotland’s needs are prejudiced that’s simply for the greater good and we have to suck it up. Yet the second that he thinks that his precious so-called union might be threatened by a Scotland that does what’s best for Scotland, up he pops like a red white and blue puppet. Alister’s job is to defend the interests of the British state in Scotland, the interests of Scotland within the UK – not so much. Well, I say “not so much”. What that really means is not at all.

Just the other day Alister told Good Morning Scotland that it was important that businesses get going again soon because “what we learned from previous analysis of recession and depression is that poverty kills.” Every single day for the past decade Tory imposed austerity and the poverty it has created and magnified has killed. Yet there was not word of complaint from Alister. Yet the second that he thinks that there’s a threat to his own interests and his own wealth, there he is lecturing us on the evils of poverty. The hypocrisy is breath-taking, even by the standards of the Conservatives in Scotland.

Alister wants us to come out of lockdown as soon as possible because he’s thinking first and foremost about business interests and what’s good for the economy not the people. However a Scotland-only decision about when it’s best to come out of lockdown might suggest that we’re not all in this together after all. Alister said in his short interview with Sesame Street, sorry, Borders Television, that the virus doesn’t respect borders, and neither does the economy. Yes, he actually said that. It will be useful to remind him of it when he’s trying to tell us that Scotland shouldn’t become independent. The SNP get slaughtered in the press for saying anything remotely related to independence during this crisis, but it’s just fine for the likes of Alister.

Naturally the interviewer didn’t think to ask him any difficult questions – like asking him if he thought that the Scottish government wasn’t capable of making a decision that’s best for Scotland, or asking him why he thought that Scotland should come out of lockdown if the Scottish government and Scottish public health bodies didn’t think that was the correct decision for Scotland. It’s not just human beings who are dying during this crisis, it’s basic journalism and holding the government to account.

There’s plenty in Alister’s short statement that ought to have provoked some serious and hard hitting questions from any journalist who was interested in doing more than providing a rich and privileged idiot with a platform from which to spout his entitlement. This is a man whose ideological attachment to the British state is so great that he would rather that Scotland remains in lockstep with the rest of the UK even if the evidence shows that Scotland’s situation is different and merits a different response.

If there is evidence that the lockdown can safely be lifted in Scotland but not elsewhere in the UK, Alister would prefer that Scottish workers can’t get back to work, and the economy can’t start to return to normal, as that’s better in his eyes than people in Scotland realising that there might ever be a time when Scotland could do things differently. Alister would prefer that Scottish workers lose their jobs and their livelihoods rather than risk any threat to his precious so-called Union. That would be bad enough, but it would be even worse if there were evidence that it’s not safe for Scotland to come out of lockdown when the rest of the UK comes out of it. Alister would prefer that people in Scotland risk their lives and expose themselves to the risk of catching a potentially lethal infection just in order to prove his Better To Die Together point.

Just because he talks with a posh voice doesn’t mean we don’t hear that he’s speaking bollocks. The days when cut glass posh accents led Scottish people to their deaths are over Alister. What is really worrying Alister is that his party and his government’s appalling handling of this crisis is putting his preciousssss at risk. There’s Alister there, who has done sweet FA for Scotland during this crisis, telling us that we need to do what’s best for the Conservative party and not what’s best for Scotland. He’s not just incompetent, he’s dangerous.

And finally, because we could all do with some cheering up during these difficult times…

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32 thoughts on “The Governor General of the North British Colony addresses the natives

  1. From a tory whose government has so badly handled this crisis, that English hospitals are about to run out of protective equipment in days. And this government, who thinks a fucking wee badge is compensation to health workers, now expects these people to work without protection at all.

    Now this worthless little tory arse kisser, tries to order Scotland to be embrace Trumpian levels of stupidity in the handling of covid-19.

    Is it ok to use the word “quisling” to describe these people now?

  2. Pingback: The Governor General of the North British Colony addresses the natives | speymouth

  3. I believe that he is self-isolating with his fellow, the Governor General of the West British Colony, in the latter’s second home in Pembrokehire (for which he would be eligible for a business grant), both of them sipping G&T’s or Singapore Slings and taking the pith out of the natives.

    There’s so much of this that one can take, bwanas.

  4. If you’re listening to the sound of the jungle drums beating out in right wing Tory land it sounds like there are many who want to start lifting restrictions very soon, as soon as the middle of next month sounds likely.

    Their priority is, of course, the economy and not people. It’s a certainty that the elderly and most vulnerable will be ordered to remain in isolation without even family visits for a great many months, a year or more, while others will be told to get back to work and rebuild the economy.

    These people have a problem though if the devolved nations choose their own timing of when to start the lifting of restrictions and deciding what these measures will be. It could also be a problem for the devolved nations if Westminster refused to pay business the furlough money for their workers if they didn’t return to work but English workers did.

    That would make Westminster look very bad as such threatening behaviour is never a good look, I think for this reason it’s possible that they begin lifting restrictions on a regional basis where the areas with the lowest number of new cases come out of lockdown first. This would get them off the hook as far as the devolved nations are concerned at least for a time.

    As we all know, can kicking is the one thing in which Tory governments excel.

  5. Close the Border now.
    The Scottish Government should act independently of England whose whole objective is to Save London.
    Elizabeth II of England has holed up in Windsor Castle, a heavily fortified fort with small town within the ramparts and a moat around the Royal Citadel, the bolt hole for the Saxe-Cobergs when the Luftwaffe was pounding London.

    It is time to tell England where to get off.
    I shall treat any individuals who live out with Scotland as hostile insurgents if they attempt to ‘invade’ Scotland in the event of England lifting the curfew, either as a whole, or by English County before we do.

    Alister Jack is your old school Tory English Colonial. Oxford Educated Uncle Tam.
    He better watch that the locals don’t nick his turnips and carrots because he has fucked up UCS and furlough payments.

    • Jack.there is not one Tory mp does anything to promote and never will.the very sad thing is very many in Scotland voted for them.what is it
      That would make people vote for Jack.or Mundell.two absolute crackers.this
      Tory going to be found out for their lies and Scotland they
      Have the backing of the Doing their damnedest
      To promote just has to look at Nicola Sturgeon.answering questions
      Updates of the see those so called journalists.a shower of sharks.
      Who Could not tell the true story if they tried.(.and in my opinion doing a
      Superb job.) and what about this car crash Carlaw.saying the bbc.talking up the
      SNP. I have yet to see the bbc.give the SNP.any credit whatsoever.Carlaws all the other Britnats unionist parties.are toiling.are really.really.
      Scraping the barrel to try and find something to get at the SNP.and they are
      Failing.the biggest disaster for all the unionists parties this year was when
      Alec Salmond was found not guilty.and walking free.that hurts them sore.
      They like the tabloid had Alec Salmond doing time.
      Scotland is going through a bad time at the many other countries.
      With the Coronavirus.but Scotland is handling it better than many at the
      Moment.and the unionist parties dont like that.
      Jack I do not like saying this but i bet Nicola will be looking over her shoulder
      Hoping that no one in the party does anything stupid.because this is exactly
      What these disgusting nasty Britnat unionists are looking and waiting for.
      Lets get out of this discredited union.
      Roll on independence and the quicker the better.

  6. The Tories are trying to hide the fact that they have f***** up the health and care services in England with their creeping privatisation agenda and consequent deliberate lack of funding for
    the public sector.
    Health and social care have been on a divergent path for some time on both sides of the border
    and the figures during this crisis will show that.
    At some point people in England are going to decide that Scotland is a safer place to be than England,especially if lockdown is relaxed.
    I have no doubt that the Tories will do whatever it takes to ensure that the border remains open because otherwise,people might view Scotland as a separate country.
    No death will be spared in order to accomplish that.
    Ein Reich,ein volk,ein fuhrer!
    That will be right.

  7. Jack would be better disappearing like his boss for all the good they do. Useless white noise. The fact that some people think someone speaking ‘posh’ is speaking the truth. When it is covering up lying. The Tory boys. The Tories call them ‘bastards’. Strangers to the truth. The majority see through them, especially in Scotland.

    Devolution is saving lives in Scotland. Nicola and Co put up SNHS/social funding. The SNP caring, different approach is saving lives in Scotland,

    The Tory/unionists cut NHS funding. Elected to protect the NHS, they cut funding for years. They would not listen to repeated warning of the damage being done. Especially in an emergency. Vote Tory die younger. Life expectancy declining.

  8. Oh, desperate old Border TV. English-based local ITV monopoly foisted on South Scotland whether they wanted it or not. Now increasingly becoming the British Empire’s retro TV attempt at “Germany Calling”, it would seem.

  9. Tories must live in a bubble of advantage. Or self isolating. Totally away from reality. Migrants staff the NHS.

    They should ask their bossy, boss who found out big time. To his advantage. Migrant workers saved his life. Will they be appreciated with a change of ideology policy. The Tory supporting farmers and fishers who benefit from migrant workers. Supporting Brexit. Cutting off their nose to spite their face. Irrational decision.

  10. If this interviewer is the same muppet who keeps trying to pick a grievance with the FM on each CV-19 daily briefing, it wouldn’t surprise me in the least. That’s where the line “virus knows no borders, sez the Colonial Gov.” first got an airing a day or so ago. The mighty British Empire can’t be put to shame by a better-performing semi-autonomous little colony. Carefully forgetting that Scotland’s economy isn’t at all the same as England’s, so forcing us to respond in rigid lockstep as we eventually emerge from isolation will almost certainly put us at a significant disadvantage.

    Nothing new there, though, eh…?

  11. Philippa Whiteford’s husband is a Doctor from Germany. Migrant. They know all the Healthcare concerns first hand. Well informed and articulate. Like the other healthcare workers.

    Johnston is a migrant. He came here to access the healthcare and then cut funding. Hypocrite. Leader of the Tory government. Benefitted from free education. For all his benefits and privilege. Tories name calling other Tories. ‘Bastards’.

    Cameron used the healthcare system and then cut the budget. Did not appreciate it. Plenty of monies for a ghost train and redundant illegal weaponry. Illegally killing others. The Tories cheered to cut the healthcare budget. Ignorant and shortsighted.

    • “Herd immunity” revisited. CV-19 just an anti-business conspiracy of leftist nanny statism. Aye right. Another piece of dangerous delusional right-wing neo-Trumpian shite.

  12. Thank you so much for this Paul. Again you put into words how I feel. Alister Jack is an absolute disgrace to Scotland.

  13. Great stuff, the wee Ginger Dug. Enjoyed the evening in Dalkeith a while ago. Looking forward to your thoughts on a criminal charge, equivalent to corporate manslaughter, against the privileged, incompetent buffoons in charge of Westmonster, for being directly responsible for thousands of unnecessary and entirely preventable deaths. Keep up the good work.

  14. Neatly done.

    I’m sure Mr Jack is worried about the economy (ain’t we all?) and what that entails for our populations. Also pretty sure that most countries the world over will have their eye on the fiscal and societal meltdown that’s headed their way, or in their laps already. Shame the Tories didn’t think ahead when they were lining the pockets of those and such as those for personal and political gain. Also a shame they spent decades legislating for removal of front line staff in the NHS, enacting austerity legislation, Brexit, faddling the devolution settlement (and don’t get me started on their shameless manipulation during indyref).

    I’m also sure that the folk currently in lock down, on furlough, desperately ill or otherwise… inconvenienced, won’t be giving a flying f…. wossiname over Mr Jack’s worries.They’re a bit busy just trying to live through one catastrof..k at a time and, as a by the by, they’re a bit more concerned over the health of family, friends and community about now.

  15. “virus knows no borders’ – indeed it does not. This was posted today on Talking Up Scotland:


    Amongst several examples of co-operation, it reported that Brigitte Klinkert, head of the local government of the Haut-Rhin administrative district in France had asked for help in responding to the pandemic from local politicians in Germany and Switzerland. Following their positive response she said this (its a cracking quote!):

    “”Of course we work very closely together and are great friends with many connections, but this was an incredible demonstration of cross-border cooperation — of European solidarity. In more normal times, our regions are completely interconnected. It’s really emotional for us to see this chain of solidarity with Germany, Switzerland and the rest of France.”

    Co-operation and solidarity across nation-state borders? Surely this cannot be true – Mr Jack and his Unionist associate Ian (‘mr solidarity’) Murray tell us we cannot have co-operation or solidarity with our neighbours in England AND Scotland’s independence!

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