Drinking Dettol to own the Nats

Just when you thought that things couldn’t possibly get any worse in a universe in which Boris Johnson is Prime Minister, Donald Trump is the president of the USA, billionaire Richard Branson is demanding that you and I bail him out, Madonna tells us that the coronavirus is a great equaliser as she sits in a bathtub filled with rose petals, and Gemma Collins’ celebrity is an actual thing, the world got worse. This is what we get for living in a society which rewards stupid vacuous people with their own reality TV shows. They end up getting elected and giving us health advice. Now we have the intelligence vacuum that is a Cheeto coloured game show host leading the most powerful country in the world and openly wondering whether it’s a good idea to inject yourself with bleach.

If you had told me five years ago that Boris Johnson would be Prime Minister, we’d be out of the EU, and Donald Trump would be president of the USA advising people of the health benefits of drinking Cillit Bang as a cure for a virus that’s killing thousands of people around the world every day, I might very well have considered making myself a disinfectant cocktail.

Today Nicola Sturgeon had to make a public statement warning people that ingesting disinfectant was a really really stupid idea. This is because during his press conference last night Donald Trump suggested that since disinfectant can destroy the coronavirus within a minute, then perhaps it might be a good idea to inject disinfectant into people to cure them. It would certainly cure them, it would cure them of living. That’s yer actual President of yer actual USA there, suggesting that mainlining toilet duck might be a good idea. To which the world can only reply – sure thing Don, you try it first.

A journalist for an anti-independence newspaper retweeted Nicola Sturgeon’s remarks about the idiocy of drinking bleach, and said that on this subject she was speaking for all of Scotland. There are many things about which there is disagreement in Scotland, but you’d like to think that the stupidity of drinking bleach was not one of them. Sadly you would be wrong. As soon as the journalist had tweeted, there was a response from a particularly staunch union flag waver that Nicola Sturgeon and the Scottish “Nationalist” party did not speak for him and his family. How dare Thatessempee tell a true blue Brit not to drink dettol.  He’ll bloody well drink dettol if he wants to, and he’ll do it standing on top of the White Cliffs of Dover while singing a Vera Lynn song.  That’s what WW2 was all about you know. So there you go, a British nationalist drinking bleach to own the Nats. It didn’t take long to get from coronavirus will kill off hopes of independence, to drinking Cillit Bang will show those Nats what’s what. The world’s stupidity has consumed itself and is now working its way up its own colon, where it will meet bleach on its way down.

To be fair to the Britnat zoomers of social media, there’s plenty of stupidity from politicians to inspire them. Today a suspiciously bleached looking Jackson Carlaw released a wee video online in which he demanded that the lockdown in Scotland should only be ended at the same time as in the rest of the UK. This came in response to the tentative suggestions from Nicola Sturgeon about a possible exit strategy from the lockdown in Scotland, with a phased loosening of restrictions, and the publication of a very welcome document from the Scottish Government setting out the conditions that would be required in order to loosen the current restrictions. This is in marked contrast to the Westminster Government, which has so far refused to publish any detailed information about its plans for an exit strategy, or indeed about that scientific information upon which it’s constantly claiming to base its decisions.

The Scottish Government very clearly recognises that we can only loosen the lockdown once the rate of infections has declined sufficiently, and once there’s a system in place to ensure that the contacts of those who do become infected can be traced, tested, and quarantined. This is very different from the UK Government, which explicitly abandoned efforts to contain the virus in mid-March. The document, and the careful statement from Nicola Sturgeon, both point to a very welcome divergence by the Scottish Government from the discredited herd immunity strategy which the British Government is now desperately trying to pretend never happened at all.

However in the interests of not being different from the rest of the UK, the Scottish Conservative branch office manager Surname Surname thinks that the lockdown in Scotland should end at a time when it’s not necessarily in Scotland’s best interests to do so. There are two logical possibilities from Jackson Carlaw’s suggestion – given that he appears to have no clear idea himself on an exit strategy for Scotland and wants us to wait for a UK wide strategy decided by Westminster. Either he’s willing to open Scotland up because Westminster has decided to loosen lockdown restrictions in England even though the health advice for Scotland is that it’s not safe, or he’s perfectly prepared to risk jobs and livelihoods because the advice is that it’s safe for limited reopenings in Scotland even though it might not be safe elsewhere. And all for the sake of remaining in lockstep with Matt Hancock and proving a spurious political point.

This is not the solidarity of the four nations of the UK, this is a suicide pact. Because you can bet your last bottle of dettol that the Conservatives in London will not delay the ending of the lockdown across the entire UK just because the public health officials in Scotland say that Scotland might not be ready. We know this Conservative government and we know that the best interests of Scotland do not figure high on its list of priorities. In fact it doesn’t figure at all. This is a Conservative government which will end the current lockdown when it judges that it’s best for the Conservatives to do so.

Surname Surname’s suggestion is way up there in the dumb suggestions league with the Mayor of Las Vegas saying that she’d like the casinos to reopen, and then the ones where there was the greatest number of infections could be closed down again.  A sort of viral roulette then.  It’s just a stupid stupid idea, and most voters in Scotland – at least those who don’t have union flags in their avatars on social media – will conclude that it’s a stupid stupid idea and that Surname Surname is not prioritising the best interests of the people of Scotland. While any sensible person understands that it’s a dreadful idea to drink bleach or disinfectant, there are still plenty of British nationalist politicians who want Scotland to keep drinking the red white and blue Kool-Aid.

And finally, because we could all do with some cheering up during these difficult times…

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41 thoughts on “Drinking Dettol to own the Nats

  1. Of course President Turmp didn’t mean for everyone to drink raw disinfectant as a cure for Corona virus, it must be diluted like a cordial or it’s far too strong, everybody knows that
    It is however excellent for cleaning banjos catfish and raccoon skins after you’ve been skinny dipping down at the crick with Billy Bob and Cletus

    • Have you ever wondered (I do) just how many folk The Donald can get away with shooting on 5Th Ave. before those Trumpeteers think WTF? Thing is, he will still be re-elected IMHO, as, regardless what Americans may opine publicly, in the voting booth… they are alone.

      • Disinfectants are in vacines already . What we need to do is look into why they are now heh – also we need to look into the conection that our goverment has with the vacines companies …uk

  2. Was chatting to an englander today.
    His take is that the virus first appeared in London and Manchester in big numbers. They, IF the programme of lockdown started early there,they would come out early.He says it’s fairly obvious that the virus proceeded northwards and he’s now seeing the numbers picking up the virus is still on the increase in his area. The government saying the peak has passed applies to London not necessarily Scotland or Northern Ireland or even english regions.
    If carlos jackass want to synchronise why not synchronise with China, that’s where it started by all reports.
    The real answer is that the release will come when each region needs to be released from the lockdown, the number of deaths per day in englandland today is reported as 680,that is an annual rate of 240,000 people dying.
    The question is, what number of deaths will handcock consider acceptable every day?
    Even in Scotland certain regions might be able to go back to normal BUTT movement from outwith would need to be restricted.
    Somewhere like the Western Isles or Orkney which have virtually no cases,I think,could be release after testing for the people who are carrying the virus without symptoms.
    My personal view is they’re still on the herd immunity programme.

  3. Jackson the car man is welcome to head south and he can take every true blue defender of the Westminster faith with him .

    Protect the NHS – export a Tory

    Protect the health care workers – export a Tory

    Protect the health and wellbeing of Scottish people – export a Tory

    Exports are the life blood of Scotland , its good to Export. also it cleans the place up we don’t need rubbish cluttering the place up .

    I am sure car man will be welcomed with open arms . oops sorry oh the English don’t want him and according to the last survey they don’t really want any of us .

    How sad eh never mind .

  4. Clearly Ms Sturgeon’s performance yesterday in content, substance, delivery and plaudits for it from a wide range of people has seriously rattled the UK Government.

    Her interview on Ch4 news last night was particularly noteworthy not just in tone and content but in the fact that she actually agreed to be interviewed which stands in direct, and telling, contrast to UK Gov ministers who routinely turn down all such interviews from Ch 4 news to appear.

    Then lo and behold tonight Matt Hancock is interviewed on Ch4 news. Bad decision on his part. The contrast between MH and NS was telling.

    As I said they’re rattled.

  5. Pingback: Drinking Dettol to own the Nats | speymouth

  6. The Brits are going into meltdown because they are being exposed for the Muppets they are by the Scottish Government. And I don’t say that lightly. They are on the offensive.

    I am beginning to think that one important element of their analyses right now is: can we get away with ‘temporarily ‘ suspending the devolution of health in the Brit national interest for the duration of this pandemic?

    Their mouth pieces are deliberately promoting confusion right now. Is this to justify that course of action? Never was Scotland so much in their news and we all know that they don’t care what happens in Scotland. Throw in more confusion about what is happening in Wales – as if they give a toss about what is happening in Wales – and how is a Brit to understand what is going on? Then throw in some distortions about “UK wide” issues and we have the perfect picture of confusion. The perfect rationale for simplifying everything by having just one narrative, just one NHS – NHS England, branded as NHS UK.

    Could they get away with it? Jackson, Leonard and Rennie would be right behind it – may already be being consulted on it.

    Am I being too dramatic? I hope so but it is a lot less dramatic than the president of the USA promoting the advantages of drinking bleach.

  7. Is trump going to stick a torch with ever ready batteries up his erse til light comes out his other orifices. Should this be done in a darkened room or outside in bright sunshine? Can it impact on skin tone? I think we should be told. Ps other battery makes are available. Pps always wear oven gloves.face shield optional

  8. So carlos jackass is not respecting the last election result.
    The rules of the game are that the FM does indeed talk for everyone in our Nation.
    So it is disrespectful of him to suggest that the First Minister of Scotland doesn’t speak for the nation.
    If carlos doesn’t like the idea maybe he should move, North Korea might change his attitude.
    Brexit crashout is on the cards as doris is disrespectful to the EU,see the pattern.

  9. Do you remember when your parents told you, “This is our house and we pay the bills and so long as you’re living here you obey the rules and do what you’re told.” Or words to that effect. That’s what living in Scotland feels like. The English think they pay all the bills and we live ‘in their house’ (the UK) so we do what we’re told, or else. Sadly, we have siblings living among us who are only too happy to agree with Mother England no matter what. I suspect they get more pocket money than we do.

    Of course, if you really wanted to rebel you could leave and do your own thing. Time for Scotland to rebel and do her own thing.

    I’m away for a swig of TCP (other makes are available).

  10. You’d like to think you’d seen stupid a’plenty in the past few years, but no. No, there’s always some halfwit out there saying hold my pint.

    As someone who’s spent some time living in the old U.S. of A (back in the mists), I know there’s a lot of good people there just as shocked and embarrassed as you would expect.

    We have our own problematic politicians and Mr Surname Surname is one of them. He still thinks we live in one country you know. Mind you, he still thinks his southern heed office has forgotten and forgiven his part in operation arse…. Yeah. That’ll be the day.

    Just for clarification? We don’t live in one country. We live in a political union. Scotland’s geography, demography, politics and society are …. somewhat different from other parts of the UK. Mr Surname really needs to grasp this factoid. Should Scotland come out of lockdown sooner, later, at the same time as the rest of the UK is entirely down to the science and/or necessity which best suits the needs of Scotland’s population. That’s going to be a hard enough decision for anyone to take that has even a smidge of empathy or care. (Not something you associate with the average Tory policy gonk)

    In short? Probably best if Mr Surname Surname butts out with his overly politicised guff and thanks his lucky stars that he’s not the one who’ll have to make those decisions.

  11. No, I’m with Carjack Lawson here. The United Kingdom is one country, and we face this epidemic together.
    I am a convert to Toryism, and will campaign for Carjack and the Blue Tories next May, to bring Scotland into line with the other Regions of Great England, and the Capital City London.

    By May 2021 of course we shall have got Brexit Done, and London will have taken back control of most of those devolved issues, like, Fishing and stuff, and opened up the Free Market to US Private Health providers, charging us to see GP’s and attend A&E, and Matt Hancock will have introduced Blue Cross Health insurance for those who can afford it, and fuck the poor, there will be Charity Hospitals funded by Lenny Henry, Peter Kaye and a host of BBC B Listers, and Old Captain Tom staggering about his front garden.

    We’ll be noshing on Texas Steroid T Bone teaks, slugging back Jim Beam Scotch, and eating NZ lamb frozen before Obama was President.

    I’ll campaign vigorously for Scotland to harmonise our laws, legislature, and Health, Welfare and Education with the townsfolk of Seven Oaks and Surbiton.
    I’ll insist that teachers doctors nurses police and firefighter stake a cut in their pay and conditions to match the capped wages of their English counterparts.

    Carjack will vow to introduce prescription charges, tolls on bridges tunnels and motorways, re- introduce the Right to Buy Council Houses, charge pensioners for their personal care, and travel on public transport, introduce tuition fees to Universities, bring back the Bedroom Tax, scrap Scottish Government free child care, reinforce the Rape Clause, and cut out mitigating the impact of the Two Child UCS Cap, and let the buggers starve or go to the wonderful Food banks, which will be many and growing in numbers.

    Faslane will be expanded to take all nuclear subs, and nuclear waste from England will be dumped off the shore somewhere North of Glasgow, but location will of course be hush hush.

    The High Earners Up Here will at last get a big tax cut, and the pensions triple lock will be unpicked, and Scots pensioners, the third worst rate of pension in the EU will see their pension reduce year on year because they’ve had it so good during ten years of Blue Tory, Willie Rennie, Austerity.
    It’s time the pensioners paid for JK Rowling’s tax cuts.

    At my own expense, I’ll produce a few hundred leaflets with all of the above as bullet points, and personally canvas door to door and deliver the UK Blue Red and Yellow Tory Message. Scrap the Scottish Government, tear down all those Jock road signs, hoist the Butcher’s Apron on every public building, and enact as law ‘God Save the Queen’ as ‘national’ in the Outer Territories of Great England, formally known as Wales Scotland and Ireland.
    I’m with Carjack.

    Scotland is a county of England. Bow down or be deported for treason to the colonies.

    What an absolute plonker this Nobody is

    Close the Scottish Border now before England allows their citizens back on the roads.

    The cult of Branch Jacksonian.
    Raise you glasses and toast the Mighty Tory.
    Kool Aid and Domestos?

    • Now, now, Jack. Take yer tongue oot yer cheek man, am sair laughing. Either that or lockdown has been too much for you and you’ve cracked, Haha.

      • I’m as sane as the next old codger.
        My next project, Carol? Calculating how much tummy button fluff would I to harvest and spin into yarn to knit a jumper for the coming winter, when we emerge from Amber lock down?

        Or like les tricateuses during the French Revolution, I could rattle off a Phrygian Cap, the de rigeur liberty cap worn by the peasants, as they transported the nobles by tumbril to keep their their appointment with Mme Guillotine?
        Is it to much to hope that Blue Tory heads will roll when the Covid dust settles?
        I repeat, close Scotland now.

  12. Do you remember Nicola Sturgeon live on TV warning us of all this five years ago, there’s even an STV video of it
    and do you remember all the rabid Tories and their supporters promising such things as Brexit could never happen and Boris Johnson as Prime Minister and Boiled Turnip as president would be unimaginable

    The only thing she couldn’t predict was this virus that’s made the whole thing even worse, still, two out of three eh

  13. The Tories did not properly fund the NHS and essential services for years. They cut the budget. People died because of it. The economy suffered because of it.

    The Tories did not take the warning of an epidemic seriously. First given In 2016 and before, They chose to ignore repeated warnings.

    The Tories and Johnston did not lockdown soon enough. They should have locked down a month before. People have died because of it. The Tories ignored expert advice, repeatedly.

    They are still blundering on. People are dying because of lack of equipment.

    The Tories are a complete disgrace. An appalling mess, as usual. Especially in Scotland, where people did not vote for them Never have so many been promoted above their capabilities. Habitual liars. Just as expected it will all end in tears again.

    The Tories are killing off their own voters and supporters. Elderly males over seventy and anyone else who gets in their way. Vote Tory to die younger. Not a great political agenda.

    Life expectancy has decreased in the rest of the UK because of Tory austerity.
    They could not make a bigger mess. An absolute Brexit shambles.

    Scotland is going it’s own way. Will make it’s own decision, in any case. The decision will be made in Scotland where the crisis is being handled better. Less people have died because of it. Half the death rate (pro rata). The SNHS was better prepared because the budget had been increased.

    The SNP Scottish Gov has handled the crisis in a more appropriate manner and were better prepared.

    The responsibility for pandemics in the UK is held by Westminster. They have failed miserably in every direction. Once again the SNP Gov has out performed the Westminster ‘psycho bastards’. Their own description. From Thatcher to Major, Cameron, Johnston and their cronies. Useless policies. It will all end up in tears again. Deja Vu. EU matters.

    The opposition. Labour Lords and public officials campaigning to lose an election. Wasting public time and money. Led by a Sir. Now suing each other. Trying to keep it secret. The LibDems who cut the NHS, Education and Welfare Budget. Lied about it. The usual lying hypocrites. None of them are fit for public office.

    It nearly killed their leader. The worthless, useless PM. and his cronies. An unelected ‘advisor’. An habitual liar, who lied to gain the poison chalice. It has come back to bite. He will not last very long. Totally discredited. Liars always get found out. The Tories will be voted out.

    Deja Vu, The Tories ruining the economy and supporting tax evasion. Brexit. They are charging essential workers £thousands just to stay. Including healthcare workers. An absolute disgrace. Requiring children born in Britain £thousands to stay. Just for a UK passport, to which they are entitled. Totally illegal. Deporting people illegally, despite Court orders.

    No wonder people in Scotland vote SNP and support Independence. More people should convince their grannies. Rather than a fate worth than death. If they want to survive longer. Their lives depends upon it.

    If Scotland gets better off so does the rest of the UK. Independence will bring prosperity and better policies. A more equal, cohesive and successful economy. Scotland is going it’s own way. People are voting for it. More people will vote for Independence. Taking a better route. Cutting ties with the ignorant, arrogant Westminster incompetents.

  14. Mouthwash might help and cleaning teeth. It does prevent infection getting to the body by the usual route. A thorough wash out. Disinfectant. Cleanliness is next to Godliness. Heavens above.

  15. You can bet your bottom dollar that the Scots tories will fight to the last Scot for England’s Green & Pleasant Land. We’re “British” thinks the modern tory. England is British. The tories rule England. They must be doing something right. Therefore what works for the English tory, must work for the Scottish tory. From that day to this, the Scots tory has worked tirelessly to fight for English conservatism in Scotland. They truly are a sub branch in every sense of the word.

  16. So Carlaw aligns himself to the Westminster exit strategy which , it now appears, has been influenced to some extent by the presence of the delightful Dominic Cummings via SAGE. I wonder what figure Carlaw has in mind for acceptable collateral Scottish deaths as a result if his approach?

  17. If Charles had not deceived and betrayed Diana. Weak. It would have been Queen Beatrice. A different kettle of fish. A right stink. Daughter of a sexual predator.

  18. London S/E would have been more affected as the main transport hub. The Tories/Johnston should locked down faster to contain the epidemic, stopped flights etc. One month earlier as they were advised.

    The Tories/Johnston slow reaction caused twice as many deaths. Johnston got the virus and nearly had vital complications. Johnston criminal action nearly cost him life and the lives of others.

  19. Hi Paul I’ve been following your erudite and entertaining blog for a long time, but I feel I must comment regarding your renaming of the leader of the Scottish Conservatives as “Surname Surname”. A huge amount of people, including myself and yourself have a surname as a given name. This could also apply to the U.S. president and many others (Keith, Neil, Alexander, Joyce etc, etc) Personally I feel a little slighted to be associated with Jackson,

    I feel a more appropriate and descriptive moniker would be “Dookin’ fer chips”. Apologies to others of a limited intellect and florid complexion.

  20. Nicola is inviting e-mails to the Scottish Gov website, For people’s comments on the lockdown and how to end the crisis. People can have their say and join a discussion on how to proceed.

    Over fifties and vulnerable people (except) essentials workers still have to self isolate, including still maintaining social distance. For a while.

    The young with no underlying causes seem to be Immune. Keep people away from the older members. Until there is a vaccine or better intervention procedures.

    No one wants to get the disease. Masks on but not compulsory.

    People are getting a bit stir crazy. Fed up with lock down. Although it is completely necessary. Groundhog Day. Like the Herald website. The same arguments. No collated facts. Stuff and nonsense.

  21. Carlaw really expects Nicola Sturgeon to follow Johnson’s lead, that is if he’s now leading anything at all? Or was it always just Dominic anyway? The UK Government has been well and truly outed for botching up one thing after another throughout this crisis which has clearly contributed to many thousands of totally needless deaths up until now. With even more to come.

    The UK Government (passing the buck) says that it’s being led by a group of experts who by the way will remain anonymous. Handy, eh? Anonymous, as per Professor Vallance, due to wanting to protect the security of scientists and also shielding them “from lobbying and other forms of unwanted influence which may hinder their ability to give impartial advice”. Don’t forget the latter point as you read on (if you read on, lol). Whilst people such as Professor King say, ”there is no justification for the government to withhold either the advisory group’s membership or the minutes of its meetings. Doing so, he said, eroded public trust in the government, especially given the bewildering twists and turns in its response.”


    Now we hear that Dominic ”herd immunity” Cummings, the man that’s happy to say bye-bye to the elderly in the UK, ”has been taking part in meetings held by the secretive scientific group which advises ministers on coronavirus. The revelation yesterday evening was said to have raised “significant questions” about the independence of the scientific advice given by Sage.”


    It’ll come as no surprise that I want Nicola Sturgeon / the Scottish Government to make the decisions for me, my loved ones, the Scottish people in general and our country overall. Not a bunch of ignorant, notorious Westminster nutters and a secret SAGE group of so-called experts being led by the go-between Dominic Mengele. I don’t think that we need bother ourselves with Carlaw’s crowing either, as the vast majority of Scots can see right through him … more so his bosses down south. If he really wants to follow the Westminster way, I suggest that he takes himself off to Johnson’s London, where CV19 cases are going right through the roof, instead of hiding out in Scotland under the protection of Nicola Sturgeon.

  22. Peering under the sink where it is a bit murky I see an unopened bottle or two of, possibly, Greek wine, though it is difficult to tell. Maybe a sample is required. Screw cap, that makes it easier. Then the sniff test – pine resin perhaps, with a hint of chlorine – as a preservative probably – maybe they ran out of sodiummetabisulphate. How about a quick swig. A bit prickley going down. But then the first swig is always the worst. A bit alkaline for me. How about a pickled onion to counteract. Hmm that makes me feel a bit gaseous. Maybe I had better look at the label. The vision is getting a bit blury. Domestica I think it says. The blue bottle is a bit unusual though.

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