Part Time Prime Minister Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson appeared before the House of Commons Liaison Committee on Wednesday. Despite the fact that the Government had ensured that the chair of the committee is the arch-loyalist Bernard Jenkins, who is one of those Tories who is happy to say that up is down, black is white, and driving to Barnard Castle is a perfectly acceptable substitute for going to Specsavers, Lying Bastert Johnson still executed a car crash that couldn’t have been worse if it had been him who was driving to Barnard Castle with dodgy vision. Johnson delivered the worst TV performance of any PM in modern times this evening. On live TV, in front of a Committee of senior MPs, he showed that he is utterly unfit to lead a conga line, never mind the UK.
The session began with a request for the Prime Minister to attend the Committee regularly. He hummed and hawed and made an excuse about being terribly busy. Trying to keep track of how many children he’s got is a full time job all by itself. However as the session proceeded we discovered the real reason why he’s so reluctant to answer questions from MPs. It’s because he’s utterly shite at everything except self-promotion. He’s a posher version of Ruth Davidson with blonde tousled hair.
“This is a Government which has done some astonishing and creative things,” he told the Committee. And this would be true. It’s done some astonishing things to trash public trust and has been extremely creative with the lies it has invented. Today we were astonished to see a Prime Minister so publicly display his complete inability to do his job. Every day it’s an adventure in astonishment with this Government. He was so far out of his depth that not even Nigel Farage could have saved him with a Brexit flotilla.
Mostly what we got today was stuttering, stammering, fnaugh fnaughing, and a complete inability to accept that his senior advisor could possibly have done anything wrong. Bernard nodded in approval. “We’ve got a fantastic agenda for this country for uniting and levelling up,” he fnaughed, mistaking the Committee for a party political broadcast just before an election. Bernard nodded again. By this time you will have realised that Johnson could have taken out his wullie, waved it about, and then done a dump on the table and Bernard would continue to nod in approval. It wouldn’t even be the most astonishing thing that this pathetic Prime Minister has done.
The only time that Bernard got a bit annoyed was when Labour’s Yvette Cooper had the audacity to press Johnson on making a choice between the national interest and Dominic Cummings. Naturally he chose Cummings. “Here’s the problem Prime Minister, the reason you are ducking this is because you are trying not to incriminate Dominic Cummings,” she told him, and got cut off from Bernard for her pains. It’s not the job of the chairman of the Liaison Committee to allow MPs to liaise with the Prime Minister unless they want to tell him how astonishing and creative he is.
When Johnson was asked about providing additional assistance to the childcare sector he stumbled, muttered, hummed and hawed. His answer contained precisely no thought, no content. He’d clearly not given the topic the slightest consideration. Which is also the amount of consideration he’s given to everything that’s not about the sucking vacuum of nothingness that’s his ego and self-importance.
We also learned the startling news that the Prime Minister isn’t actually in charge of the Government. “I’ve been forbidden from announcing any more targets or deadlines,” said the man who’s supposedly the World King in response to a question from Jeremy Hunt about delays to testing. Has Dominic put his foot down, like he did on the accelerator when he was driving to Barnard Castle? Despite this astonishing revelation, yes indeed Prime Minister your government does continue to astonish, he had revealed a new target just moments previously when he’d said that all tests would be returned within 24 hours. Perhaps that wasn’t really a target or a deadline then, just a fond wish that has no bearing in reality. A bit like his promise that there would be no checks on goods travelling between Northern Ireand and the rest of the UK then. Or £350 million extra for the NHS. Or an extra 50,000 nurses. Or just about anything he’s ever said.
Mostly however, what he wanted was for everyone to move on from the Dominic Cummings affair. Dominic has already moved on. He moved all the way from London to Durham and back again via Barnard Castle. The Prime Minister wants us all to follow Dominic’s example. You know, by breaking the lockdown rules that we don’t fancy having applied to us and smirking about it in a press conference.
Elsewhere in Westminster, Health Sock Puppet Matt Hancock was trying to announce the launch of the new trace and contact system for England. He lectured everyone about their civic duty to stay home if infected and do as told about track and trace. That’s the man who says Dominic Cummings did not break the guidelines and in the process disintegrated any moral authority that he might have had to call on other people to inconvenience themselves.
If you’ve been in contact with an infected person you will be expected to self-isolate for fourteen days, but Dominic Cummings’ behaviour just opens up so many questions. Does isolate mean in your own home? Or does it mean by driving 260 miles from London to Durham and back again? Does it mean staying at a relative’s house, perferrably in Durham? Does it mean going out for a wee day trip, say for example to test your eyesight by driving for 45 minutes to Barnard Castle with your family in the car? So many unanswered questions. And most importantly of all, can we all claim to be Dominic’s friends and have been in contact with him so that he’s got to self-isolate for the rest of his miserable life?
Just as we enter one of the most crucial phases of the crisis, the British Government has blown what was left of its credibility. The same people who are demanding that we stay at home are still excusing the actions of one of their own who didn’t stay at home. Their lies about Dominic Cummings are lies of a different order from all their many other lies. They’ve lied so often and so reflexively that they’ve lost the ability to calibrate their lies. This time they’re contemptuously pissing all over the sacrifices that millions have had to make. Rules are only for the little people. We’re not all sacrificing together, we’re the sacrifice so that they can continue to enjoy their privilege. This is the great betrayal that destroys the UK. We’re not going through all this just so that they can get back to their entitlement.
And finally, because we could all do with a laugh during these difficult times …
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