At Prime Minister’s Questions yesterday, Part Time Prime Minister Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson declared himself ‘very proud’ of the British Government’s record on handling the coronavirus epidemic. This is presumably very proud in the exact same sense in which a small toddler who has just learned how to use a potty shows off the products of their bowel movements to their parents’ guests. The difference being that Johnson is not remotely cute.
The creature who occupies the office of British Prime Minister is an abject lesson in what happens when you’re revealed to be not remotely as clever as you thought you were. Ambition and ego are no substitute for the ability to do the job, that much at least Johnson has in common with Gordie Broon. Like the man widely recognised as the worst Labour Prime Minister for decades, Johnson’s talents lay in scheming to get the top job, not in actually being able to do the top job once he’d got it.
Given that the record of the British Government has been woeful where it’s not been mistimed and incompetent, Johnson’s statement raises the question just what would it take for him to acknowledge that the performance of his government has been less than stellar. It’s far too much of a stretch to expect him to be ashamed of anything, given that he is genetically incapable of shame, guilt, contrition, or indeed anything approaching a normal human emotional response to bearing the responsbility for upwards of 60,000 deaths. At this stage we’d settle for ‘perhaps we could do a bit better’. But even that is beyond the limited range of Johnson’s pre-programmed responses. There are AI robots in Japan which would do a better job. These are primarily dedicated to sexual gratification, so there’s already a considerable similarity to the British Prime Minister.
On social media some people were sharing a photie of the side of Johnson’s head, taken during PMQs. The photie appeared to show a dark shadow that some thought looked like a black earpiece and it was taken as proof that Dominic Cummings literally has the ear of the Prime Minister. Suspicions were raised because at times Johnson seemed to be listening to someone other than anyone who was in the chamber. But that’s probably because the only voice he ever pays attention to is the one inside his own head, the voice that tells him that this is his birthright, and he’s rubbish at it. It whispers to him in Latin and it takes him a moment to translate it into fnaughs.
It’s far more likely that the dark shadow in his ear was the portal to the void that is inside his head. If it was an earpiece, there was a total jibbering idiot on the other end who was feeding him his lines. Let’s get real here, Johnson’s performance at PMQs was so godawful that he could have had a teleprompter and a Sky satellite dish hanging out of his arse and still no one would have suspected that he was being fed the answers, based on the bumbling garbage that was issuing from his gob.
The Prime Minister was unable to answer even the most basic questions from the Labour leader Keir Starmer. There was no reply when he was asked about the alert level that supposedly means it’s safe to begin loosening lockdown in England. There was no answer when he was asked if he knows what the current R rate is. There was no response when he was asked about the UK Statistics Authority’s characterisation of the British Government’s test figures as inadequate. Instead there was just a tetchy retort that he doesn’t “see the purpose of endless attacks on public trust and confidence”. There are a lot of things that our part time Prime Minister doesn’t see the purpose of. Like for starters being prepared for the questions that he’s likely to be asked at PMQs.
This is a Prime Minister whose entire career has been built upon an edifice of lies. He’s perfectly content to protect his advisor in mendacity when he chose to run a Landrover through the lockdown restrictions and take off to the north of England to do an eye test and told us all that Dominic had acted with integrity while he trashed the efforts and sacrifices of everyone in the UK who has gone without seeing their loved ones or been unable to say goodbye to a dying relative. Johnson has lied, prevaricated, misled, misdirected, and dissembled his way through this pandemic, and now he wants us to believe that it’s because Keir Starmer has been asking him perfectly reasonable questions that any halfway competent Prime Minister should have been able to answer with ease that it’s the Labour leader who’s undermining public trust. The bully crumbled under the slightest pressure, without his howler monkeys he’s nothing.
Johnson demanded that we trust him even as he uttered yet another brazen lie. After being pressed by Keir Starmer Johnson admitted that the current alert level in England is 4. Johnson insisted that Starmer “knows perfectly well” that the Alert level does allow lockdown easing. Starmer knows no such thing, because he knows perfectly well that the UK Government’s own guidelines state that at level 4 the current lockdown measures must be maintained.
It only got worse when the part time Prime Minister was invited by the SNP’s Ian Blackford to join the widespread condemnation of Donald Trump’s handling of the protests in the USA over the murder of George Floyd. Peaceful protesters being pepper sprayed and tear gassed so that Trump could pose waving a bible in front of a church for a photo op was a particularly crass example. Trump stood there in front of a church he doesn’t attend waving a text he’s never read in order to lay claim to a moral authority he’s never possessed while America burns. You might have thought that Johnson would leap at the chance to criticise a leader who’s been performing even worse than he has. Instead there was just more fnaughing, mumbling, and shuffling. The voice in the void in his earhole whispered a bleak nothingness, it’s the nearest thing that Johnson has got to a soul.
And finally, because we could all do with a laugh during these difficult times …
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